There was a shooting in my town earlier this week. Perhaps you heard about it. The good news is that only the attacker was killed. What I love about it is that you have a group of lawmakers who were attacked, who break down in tears during interviews about the attack, and the big lesson they all draw from it is, “We need security detail.” I don’t think there will ever be a better example of the self-interest of Congress than that. If you were busy heading to see a friend in North Korea this week, odds are you missed it.
‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
This weekend, Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hits theaters. Critics have answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news is that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?
The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.
Paris after dark
Two teenage boys were rescued after spending three days lost in the Catacombs of Paris, which is a series of tunnels under the city that contain the stacked bones of over six million people. The boys said it was a creepy experience, and say they ran into at least a dozen death metal bands while they were down there.
It really is official now, I’m old. The release of the new Power Rangers movie marks the first time that there has been a reboot of a childhood show that I was too old for the first time around. I haven’t seen a lot of the reboots, but I’m not necessarily opposed to them. There’s no issue in taking things I remember from my childhood and reworking them in a way to make them relevant for the next generation. Except for that live-action Beauty and the Beast remake. It’s literally the same movie, and you are all fools for going to see it. If you were busy taking it to Cracker Barrel for firing Brad’s wife this week, odds are you missed it.
Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
This week, FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continues to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale are just family friends.
Police get a win for Brady
This week, authorities announced that they found stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years ago. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.
Spot of T. rex
Paleontologists are arguing that a branch of dinosaurs that includes the Tyrannosaurus rex evolved earlier than previously thought and probably came from what is now Britain. The researchers said their first clue was that all dinosaurs had such bad teeth.
Russia may be trying to slowly take over Ukraine, but the former Soviet satellite has bigger problems on its hands–like a blog taking over seats in the Ukrainian parliament.
Claiming that his fellow members of parliament don’t show up for their jobs as often as they should, Borislav Bereza has brought a grey blob to sit in one of the empty seats next to him. The plush blob has been a popular meme in Russia and Ukraine in recent years, and that has seemingly translated into a seat in government. As absurd as an internet meme in a leadership role might seem to Americans, apparently it’s possible there. Bereza even sat the blob behind the podium.
What does it want? What if it multiplies? What if Ukraine falls under blob rule?
Late night talk shows have to have celebrity gimmicks now. They’re all doing games with celebrities, or singing in cars with celebrities, or doing fake singing competitions with celebrities. These things are funny once or twice, but after a while the shows lean on them like a crutch. I don’t know, I’m a sucker for comedy writing. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe Jay Leno wasn’t so bad. If you were busy waiting to go see a Star Wars movie that’s about Star Wars but not one of the real, numbered Star Wars movies this week, odds are you missed it.
Report: Trump was right about the election being rigged
This week, the FBI backed a CIA report that Russia hacked the U.S. presidential election in favor of a Trump victory. It’s also been reported that Russian President Vladimir Putin was involved in the decision to hack. But Republicans have decided it’s not a concern, as they cannot find a way to blame Hillary Clinton for it, yet.
Stocking the Cabinet
President-elect Donald Trump announced that he will nominate former Texas Gov. Rick Perry to head the Department of Energy, or as Perry calls it, “The uh, ummmm, the–I can’t, oops.” Trump also nominated ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, a friend of Putin, for secretary of state, rejecting a CIA report claiming Tillerson had been hacked by the Russians.
Optimism is overrated
And finally, a new report this week found that trying to always find the silver lining when things don’t go your way could actually bad for you. If that’s the case, 2016 has been a landmark year in mental health.
Between invading and annexing other countries and launching cyber-attacks to rig our elections, you’d think Russian President Vladimir Putin would be too busy to make a stand for civil rights. And you’d be wrong, because — when the International Olympics Committee enforced their ban on nearly the entire Russian track and field team for systematically and flagrantly covering up performance enhancing drug use — Putin stood up for the little guy.
Putin called the IOC’s decision to ban everyone in the Russian track and field system from the 2016 Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil “discrimination.”
‘We can’t accept indiscriminate disqualification of our athletes with an absolutely clean doping history,’ Putin said. ‘We cannot and will not accept what in fact is pure discrimination.’
Putin’s right: the Russian government worked hard to make sure that all of their athletes had a clean doping history. It’s not fair to those who followed his government’s rules of doping without getting caught that they should have to stay home with the f*ck-ups who got caught.
This is pure discrimination against good guys on drugs, who are the only ones who can catch up with and stop bad guys on drugs, thanks to the modern athletic field. Pharmaceutical-Russians (and Pharmaceutical-Americans for that matter) are people, people who were born to not be afraid of needles or consequences. We can’t punish them for their very nature to overcome nature.
It’s been a while since we last checked in on the military dolphins left over from the USSR. Nearly three years ago to the day, we warned you that some Ukrainian dolphins with special military skills went AWOL. Luckily, we haven’t seen them since.
But now, Russia wants some more dolphins. You see, when Russia invaded Crimea a couple years ago, they captured the Ukrainian Navy’s prized killer dolphin unit. Now it looks as if Russia wants to expand that program. The Defense Ministry is offering $24,000 for five bottlenose dolphins for unknown reasons.
Let’s keep in mind that these things have worked with knives and guns specialized for their use. Russia, you have teamed up with the enemy of all mankind. This will not stand.
In recent centuries, mankind has been on a winning streak in wiping out animals. But we still have our work cut out for us, and we don’t need scientists bringing back ancient species on top of that.
That’s why a team of Russian and South Korean scientists needs to be stopped. They are working on extracting DNA from a pair of frozen cave lions that were found frozen in Russia last year. Our ancestors killed off the Panthera leo atrox some 12,000 years ago, and we are safer for it. But now, these foolish people in lab coats want to bring them back.
Should they be successful, The Guys are organizing a hunting party. Spears only. Be there.
Russia may smell nice, but it’s a very dark and evil place, according to Google.
The company recently fixed a bug in its translation app where “Russian Federation” was translated as “Modor” from Ukrainian to Russian. It was also translating “Russians” as “occupiers,” apparently mad about the Russian annexation of Crimea last year. Google said the error wasn’t caused by humans, as the Google Translate app isn’t updated manually. It was likely so many people were using these terms online that the app started to assume the words meant the same thing.
Russian Minister Sergey Lavrov was translated as “sad little horse,” which sounds as Eastern European as an insult can be.
If you didn’t receive a new scent for Christmas or are looking to expand your Brian Fontana cabinet, might we suggest picking up a bottle of Leaders Number One? It’s the only fragrance on the market guaranteed to make you smell like the world’s greatest shirtless head of state with a weird accent since Conan the Barbarian: Vladimir Putin.
Much like Putin, Leaders Number One is billed as “attractive, matter-of-fact and natural” and the peer of established, recognized cologne leaders like Dior and Dolce and Gabbana. It’s also the exact opposite of that: cheap-smelling and more forced than a photo shoot with a tranquilized tiger, just like Putin. It’s also extremely overpriced, much like the cost of letting Putin run your country for more than 16 years.
In other words, Russia has finally stolen CK One from the First World.
And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2015 edition