In Soviet Russia, dolphins kill you

We don’t want to alarm anyone, but some military-trained dolphins have gone AWOL. No, really. Let’s back up a bit.

The Soviets had a secret dolphin military training program back in the day, going back as far as 1973. They were used to detect things like mines usually, but they were also capable of attacking enemy divers and putting explosives on the sides of enemy ships. After the USSR fell, the evil dolphin unit was basically given to the Ukrainian navy, which began teaching them civilian things like working with children, which is exactly what you want a trained killer to do. But recently, they went back to their old training, complete with special knives and guns on their heads.

And now it looks like those dolphins spotted some females and went off to get them some. Yes, there are military-trained killer dolphins that are now swimming free. Thanks, commies.


Putin hits us right in the Jolie’s

In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin regretted cutting into Angelina Jolie's selection of children, saying that he would be more than willing to still help her have Russian children. With his dick. ("Brad can watch.")
In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that, while he regrets cutting into Angelina Jolie’s selection, he would be more than willing to help her have Russian children. With his dick. (“Brad can watch.”)

Mark it on your calendars, fellow Americans. From this point on, we can no longer adopt designer babies from Russia. According to a bill signed by Russian President Vladimir Putin, wealthy U.S. moms will have to dress underfed kids from pretty much everywhere else in the world in our country’s unused skinny jeans.

If that sounds harsh, please realize that this was in response to a U.S. bill that promised sanctions on Russians who have violated human rights. And, you know what? We’re with Putin. After all, what’s the point of protecting human rights abusers if there aren’t any unwanted children in your country for them to abuse?

It’s the court trial we can’t talk about at work

Russia gets a bad rap a lot of the times. We can blame that on the communists.

Russian justice doesn’t get a bad rap, mainly because it never actually got a good rap. And while we could talk about a Russian punk band, human rights, the rights of prisoners, separation of church and state, media attention toward show trials and other interesting topics of debate, we can’t.

Because we can’t at work. (Link Not Safe For Work)

Downgrades are the new upgrade

In most of the world, the iPad has become a new standard in the business world. People use it as a launching point for presentations, show demo videos on screens larger than their phone and play Angry Birds when they should be doing their job. But not in all of the world, no. Some parts of the world, well, progress has become slightly halted. Or even reversed.

In (not-so) Soviet Russia, iPad doesn’t replace typewriter, typewriter replaces iPad!

Seriously. The Federal Security Service paid over 2 million spacebucks toilet squares rubles (which comes out to approximately $67,000) just to exchange working iPads with modern typewriters.

In all of my life, that’s not a sentence I ever thought I’d be typing.

So they’re literal RealDolls?

  • Even though this isn’t the 1500’s to the early 1900’s.
  • Even though Frankenstein is a form of fiction, no matter what the medium.
  • Even though this isn’t Japan or the warehouse of Abyss Creations.

Grave robbing is alive (get it?) and kicking.

A Russian super nerd local historian and cemetery explorer was arrested by police in connection with grave desecrations. That’s right, Anatoly Moskvin is suspected to be a grave robber. But wait, there’s more!

The man is also alleged by police to have made 29 life-sized dolls from the mummified female corpses. Which is incredibly creepy. Considering the dolls were found in Moskvin’s flat, we can only assume that they stack within each other in order to save space.

Gettin’ Serious with Sasquatch

After years of Jack’s Links’ flirtations in their “Messin’ with Sasquatch” campaign, an international team of super regular-ass scientists have agreed to meet in Siberia to finally seal the deal and get serious with the legendary beast.

Russia, the United States and China — and four other nations that aren’t normally at each others throats — will form the first coalition of its type: the sharing of research about and hunt of the Siberian Yeti. Local game wardens of the conference location called in the greatest Bigfoot minds of our generation with motion-triggered camera footage of what they believe may be the creature.

Nobody is quite sure what Bigfoot truly is, whether he is a missing link between men and apes, a leftover Neanderthal that managed to get out of our Sapien way or even a medical experiment gone horribly awry. Hell, we’re not even sure if he’s really abominable or just a lovable goof. All we know is that, if they exist, there are only a few of them, so they will be very expensive in rug-form.

Lifestyles of the Rich & Vodka Drunkenski

Ahoy! It be the same situation that we’ve all heard ere: a chat show be televised. Russian billionaires be asked to be on the show. Eurasian Mooooooonspeak is uttered and five -ski’s later, three sounds are heard:

  • The first sound be a swing across the face
  • The second sound be another swing across the face
  • The third sound be the victim tumbling o’er the stage

If you be familiar with the situation, it’s probably because you’re Alexander Lebedev, former KGB agent turned Russian billionaire turned professor of the sweet science. Or, you’re Sergei Polonsky, former property developer turned punch victim. Or, you be simply a person that be leading an incredibly odd life that we be fixing to document.

Big hairy Russian wants to find big hairy snowman

Nikolai Valuev is a tall man. A former world boxing heavyweight champion, he retired in late 2009, presumably to become a butcher or deli-owner. Perhaps even owner of a sweaty and destitute gym. Anything, as long as he gets to punch things that won’t punch back.

Well, that must not have been all that exciting, because he’s now starting up an expedition to search for the yeti in Siberia. The trip will only take place over the space of two days, presumably because Siberia is super-duper-cold all of the time and most anyone that goes into the land will die.

A spokesman for the Kemerovo regional administration said that the boxer was keen to “talk to the yeti about life”.

We can only assume that Valuev will speak to the beast using his fists, which, as science tells us, is the most efficient form of communication.

Jurassic Park just got a whole lot more furrier and realer

Oh, and Russia-ier.

Russia’s always been just a bit more backwards than other countries. They say our catchphrases long after they’ve been played out, pop stars are still gigantic hits over there and they allow Dolph Lundgren to film movies in their country, long after his shelf-date expired.

Along with that, they apparently still let prehistoric animals be found as perfectly preserved specimens.

Quickly, can we get someone to use the cleansing power of fire onto it? Using my knowledge of movie science (which is just ever so slightly different than real science), theoretically, a woolly mammoth can be genetically recreated by taking the DNA and placing it in a mama elephant. And if the egg is in pristine condition.

THAT’S NOT GOOD IF MOVIE SCIENCE IS ACTUALLY CORRECT IN THIS CASE. I don’t know how many paintings of woolly mammoths that you’ve seen, but it’s always a whole lot of furry guys trying to take down just one … and that one is usually the sick one. And even then, the sick one’s got gnarly tusks. Now imagine a large herd of them trampling around the world. That’s not pretty.

Let’s not end up like Dennis Nedry. Kill the sample while we still can.

Russians drink beer and piss all over it

Russians faced a conundrum that only President Dmitry Medvedev could resolve. Russian law stated that anything with less than 10% alcohol was merely foodstuff, but even then only barely if you didn’t wrestle it yourself.

But then they started importing beer. They served it all hours of the day. They sold it to minors. They marketed as a healthy alternative to vodka and other spirits, just like we’ve been telling you for years. (Except liquor is good for, like, body builders and s@%t.)

So, Medvedev signed a law that officially classifies beer as alcohol with all the rules and taxes that implies.

Oh my god. It was the perfect world. All this time, it was … You finally really did it.