Tag: Russia

Explanation: The Georgian-Russian conflict

Readers, if you’re anything like us, you’re an expert on all affairs, foreign and domestic. But not everyone has the time or inclination to study the world, learning the fine nuances that shape our own backyards.

It’s not enough to know that the flap of a butterfly’s wing gives birth to a huricane on the other side of the globe; you also have to use that knowledge to kill butterflies to end huricanes.

This is why we’re bringing you this explanation for the current brough-ha-ha in Georgia: the Russians want to hide the true identity of Bigfoot!

Yes, a pair of hunters have discovered a hidden enclave of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) northern Georgia, presumably along the border it shares with Russia. The Russians have invaded to prevent these hunters from revealing the identities of these beasts later today.

The hunters, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer (don’t bother trying to pronounce these bizarre Slavic names), claim to have DNA and photographic evidence, but will not reveal the monkey-men’s whereabouts because it’s an utter war zone now.

This just in: Apparently we’ve already done the “confusing the two Georgias” bit already. We, here at SeriouslyGuys, apologize and will brutalize our writers for this oversight.

You Missed It: Eights are wild edition

It’s Friday. More than that, it’s an 8/8/08 Friday. Does that mean something special to you? It should, because it’s the last time we are going to see all three date categories matching up until 9/9/09, and we all know that is way too far in the future to comprehend. Anyway, if you were busy airing fake political ads this week, odds are you missed it.

Lucius Fox will not drive the Batmobile anytime soon
Actor Morgan Freeman and his wife’s friend were involved in a car accident in Mississippi. Reportedly, Freeman was driving at night and the car left the road, flipping into a ditch. He had surgery and was released, but it turns out he and his wife are getting divorced. It just so happens Freeman has been rumored to have a mistress that was one of his wife’s friends. Draw your own conclusions on the cause of the accident, if you know what we mean. Freeman’s accident is the latest in a series of mishaps and tragedies that have befallen the cast of The Dark Knight. First Heath Ledger’s death, then Christian Bale’s assault charges, then Maggie Gyllenhaal’s droopy face.

The Olympics are seeing red
Today marks the first day of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This means that we can expect a great deal of sports coverage on television for the next couple weeks. Security is said to be very tight at the event, so that means all the athletes have to worry about is smog, SARS and possible jail time for even saying the word “Tibet.”

Georgia on Russia’s mind
In a military operation totally not planned to happen the same day as the beginning of the Olympics, because that would just too conveniently take the world’s eye off the ball for a little while, Russia has invaded Georgia, making it the first time since General William T. Sherman in 1864 that an invading force has–wait, I’m being told there is more than one Georgia. Apparently there is one in Asia, too. Russia says next it will invade New Jersey, the one in Asia.

Packers send Favre packing
Brett Favre (pronounced FAV-ree) has been traded by the Green Bay Packers to the New York Jets this week after being reinstated in the NFL and a drama that has been going on since the end of last season and Favre’s (supposed) retirement. Favre is clearly going through the classic mid-life crisis, where a man looks around at his life, at his NFL records, his Super Bowl rings and his piles of money and asks himself “Is this really all there is?”

Anastasia is dead …

… as of 90 years ago.

Scientists in Russia, Austria and the U.S. have finished examing the remains of the Tsar Nicholas II’s two missing children. Using DNA, medical records and forensics, they have been positively identified as dead, not living and definitely not your grandmother.

Turns out the old broad was just crazy/hated your great-grandparents. The real little princess was executed, just like those commies claimed, in 1918.

So, now that you’re not the heir to the Russian throne anymore, get back to work!

The latest from the field of medicine

Here at SeriouslyGuys, we care about our readers’ health, mostly because there are so few of them and we can’t afford to lose any. With that touching thought in mind, we have two important pieces of medical advice for you today:

Did you know that metal objects, while they may be tasty treats, can actually be bad for you? It’s true! While an excellent source of iron (HAR!), assorted metal objects can be harmful to one’s tummy. Doctors in Peru recently announced this medical breakthrough after removing knives, nails, screws, a watch, some barbed wire and other scrumptious shiny objects from a man’s stomach. Also bad for you: standing near a magnet after eating a meal like that.

Lasers are bad, too–not to eat, that’s perfectly fine. But it turns out lasers may not be good for your eyes, so stop staring at your optic mouse right now! Some ravers in Moscow are now partially blind because the laser show burned their retinas (retinae?), which, this blog understands, is not a good thing. However, listening to loud electronic music while on illicit substances is A-OK, kids!

For more expert advice, be sure to turn your head and cough for Dr. Snee.

In Soviet Russia, cop goes for ride with you!

It’s the night beat. You’re tired, hungry, and for story purposes, we’ll say that you’re a night beat cop in Russia, so you’re also obviously quite cold. Your shift’s almost over, which is a relief; however, you spot it. You see him weaving around and you know what your duty is-pull over the drunk driver. This should be routine. This should be standard. This should be one last “oomph” on your otherwise easy going night. But it isn’t. What is it really?

Mr. Wino’s Wild Ride (which is totally unlike that former Disney World ride, sweartagawd).

A drunk driver that was pulled over in Russia proceeded to continue on driving after stopping. The only catch? The officer that pulled him over was clinging to the roof of the car. Neither coffee nor a cold shower could stop the driver. The only thing that cease his drunken shenanigans and save the life of the Russian police officer were eight rounds from the officer’s gun.

Which didn’t go into the driver at all. Now that’s a boozer.

In not so Soviet Russia, former president divorces YOU

So, a few months back, Vladimir Putin recruited a young and rather attractive gymnast to serve in Parliament (oh, come on, like you haven’t done the same). Apparently, he liked her political skills so much that he dumped his wife to marry her. The fact that she’s more than half his age and very flexible? That’s just fully and totally a coincidence.

I mean, really, ladies, could any of you say no to this?

Booze News: Ladies’ Night edition

The Guys are all about women, especially the drunk variety. In keeping with news about boozy broads, we have another edition of Booze News that is all about those with two X chromosomes and a rather high BAC.

Thanks to Boris Yeltsin, it’s no secret that vodka is the favorite spirit of Russia. But did you know that Russian men seem to drink it more than Russian women? One distiller has seen this niche market and plans to tap it with new Damskaya, or “Ladies” vodka.

Dames: Are you heading out to the gym? Instead of some fancy sports drink or even water, why not bring along something that looks like water–vodka. Finishing off that salad lunch? Good for you, you’re so health-conscious. Time to celebrate with a nip!

Next up for the lady lushes is wine. We all know that only females and Frenchmen drink wine, anyway. A Dutch man, seen here looking like Saddam Hussein shortly after being captured, who makes wine, has insured his nose for $8 million. This will help keep him going in case something happens. Because, as you know, one drinks wine through the nose. Only peasants drink it through the mouth.

An army of drunk

Join the Russian Army, see the world–through an alcohol-fueled haze.

Recently, some civilians got a rather rude wake up call when a tank crashed into the corner of their house. A cell phone video (unavailable) reportedly shows the tanked tank crew get out and start laughing. The tank had stopped in town to pick up more vodka, and apparently they completed their mission. The red-faced members of the Red Army then continued on their way, most likely merrily.

“‘Of course, there were violations but the crew acted in good faith to catch up with its unit,’ said Colonel Konstantin Lazutkin, spokesman for Russia’s Volga-Urals Military District.”

Well put, comrade, at least they got back in formation after their booze run.

The Fantastic 4,000,000,000,000,000

Proving that no good comes of mixing space and bugs, the Russians have reported that cockroaches born in space are “faster and tougher than their terrestrial brethren.”

Theories for this disturbing development include developing in a zero-gravity environment or, like the Fantastic Four, exposure to space radiation.

To maintain superiority over all lower forms of animal life, we must ban all non-humans from spaceflight. To not do so will risk making our worst fears a reality.