Cry about it: Scientists can produce energy from tears

This week really isn’t off to a good start. Between Las Vegas and Tom Petty, there seems to be a lot to be sad about. But if there is any bright spot to be made, it’s that we have finally found a truly limitless source of energy.

Researchers in Ireland say they have found a way to harvest energy from human tears. Lysozyme crystals can be found in your tears and your saliva, and scientists have found that these crystals have an electric current if they are pressurized. That means that if we cry and drool enough, we can be our own sources of renewable energy.

Lysozyme crystals can also be found in the whites of birds’ eggs and in the milk of mammals. So if you’re sitting down to a mouthwatering breakfast that includes eggs and milk, and you’re crying about the mistakes you made the night before, we’re going to say your carbon footprint doesn’t exist.

Lonely? Go find someone else to complain to

Are you feeling lonely? Depressed? Sad? Stay the hell away from us, bub.

A new study shows that loneliness can spread to up to three degrees of people. This means that if you feel like a disease, technically, you are. The concern here is that if you’re lonely, you’re not supposed to be able to tell other people about it, because no one is around.

So to repeat, we don’t want to talk to sad people, but when you’re cheered up about the whole “no one wants to talk to me” thing, we’ll be happy to talk to you.