We’ve said this roughly 689,524 times on this blog before, but this time we’re right: We’ve probably reached the end of humanity. It’s been nice knowing you all. Whatever historians are alive centuries from now will mark the beginning of the end with the hacking of a Segway.
That’s right, the Segway, the rolling scooter thing widely used in all facets of society today, has been hacked. We were such fools to trust such a convenient piece of technology! Hackers have been able to stop the Segway MiniPro via an accompanying app that connects you to your machine’s controls. A vulnerability in the software allows a third party to take control of the Segway. Of course, thousands have already been killed, and there is mass panic around the world because such a vital machine is no longer safe.
Mark our words, if mankind has any hope, it must relegate Segways to airport security officers and city tour groups.
There’s a danger in the skies over Los Angeles, and its name is Harrison Ford.
Nearly two years after a crash landing on a Santa Monica golf course, Harrison Ford is once again endangering the lives of unsuspecting Angelenos. The famed actor has just been cited by the FAA for landing his plane on another non-runway, but at least this time it was an airport. According to authorities, Ford was cleared to land on a runway at John Wayne Airport on Monday, but mistakenly landed on a taxiway instead, nearly hitting a 737 with 116 people on it. Luckily no one was injured.
So the next time you fly, don’t worry about turbulence, worry that Harrison Ford is lurking out there somewhere.
Australian police are looking out for some dangerous motorists. You probably guessed they let a kangaroo drive, and you’re somehow not thinking weird enough.
Police in Western Australia are looking for a group of men who went cruising around a beach town on two motorized picnic tables. They didn’t hit anyone, they weren’t drinking (although it would make sense if they had been). The “vehicles” aren’t approved for road use, and authorities say the lack of safety clothing means they were a danger to themselves as well as the public.
The smart money is that they left their getaway vehicles in a park.
You wouldn’t know it by walking in one, but Wal-Mart has employment standards. They proved it by firing Joseph Casias, 2008’s Associate of the Year.
How had Casias fallen so far in only a year? Marijuana.
Well, also cancer, living in Michigan and a prescription for marijuana from his doctor.
But still: Joseph Casias is a reefer addict, and The Store That Sam Built can’t abide junkies jeopardizing “the safety of its customers and associates.” (They will continue to sell three-day old hot dogs to stoner customers, however.)
And just in case you aren’t on the exploitative global corporations’ side yet, guess who’s leading the fight against them? The ACLU. We’re not saying you’re wrong for agreeing with the ACLU per se, just that God may not be able to tell the difference when you die.
For eight years–eight years–I believed we had created a safer United States, a bomb-free and non-terrorized America. I thought that, by taking my shoes off at airports and picketing Muslim schools, we were safe.
All of that was thrown out the window this morning thanks to CNN and Bryan Schools (but mostly Bryan Schools). Now I’m terrified, which is terrorism. (Bryan Schools is a terrorist.)
If 10 U.S. government agents could sneak bombs into U.S. government buildings past other U.S. government employees, then every step the U.S. government has taken to protect me was all a lie. I’m not safe, nor was I ever.