Tag: salon

Still no cure for combovers

The Guys hate to be bearers of bad news, but know that we’re suffering about this, too.

It turns out that your hair dresser was never that into you. But, although they most definitely do not want to bang you in a barber chair (or in the shampoo station), they don’t want you to die, either.

In the last month alone, 37 percent of polled Houston hairdressers examined at least half of their customers for signs of melanoma on their face, neck and scalp.

And that other half that went uninspected? Well, that’s what happens when you don’t tip, cancer-ass.

Take it from Snee: Online personals decoded

They’re lurking in the corner of every Web site that congratulates you on your politics, art tastes and sense of humor: personal ads. They’re usually in a sidebar, with a close-up headshot on someone (the better to hide your fat with) and a clever quote, like “Environmentalism is sexy, originality is sexier.”

When did Web mags like Salon or The Onion become meatmarkets? I submit they always have, at least in the comments sections. Likeminded individuals textually fellate the authors, the posters that agree with them and themselves for being so gosh-golly smart to the point that my monitor looks like a used bench press.

So with the click of the ad, you, too, can meet someone who finds Jimmy Fallon unfunny, yet physically likeable. Unfortunately, 300,000 users can’t all date Mel_Odius, so you’re gonna have to sort through a lot of cryptic loser profiles. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Online personals decoded

Chavez officially booted from message boards

Just like Hitler, German Chancellor Merkel also enjoys writing in her spare time, parades, and getting kissies from western leaders.Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, is renowned for his trolling. He frequently calls U.S. President Bush “the devil” and also spams Internet message boards with excerpts from Marx and “RON PAUL IN 2008!”

Yesterday, however, he crossed a line: in his counterargument against German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who urged Latin America to give Chavez a geopolitical “time-out,” Chavez compared her to Hitler.

  • They’re both German.
  • Hitler was once a Chancellor.
  • They were both political leaders in Germany.
  • Merkel loves dogs, too.
  • Merkel enjoys Raiders of the Lost Ark, but always “falls asleep” before the end where the Nazis’ faces melt.  (Spoiler alert!)

In response to these latest claims, his memberships to Total Fark, DeviantArt and Salon have been suspended for First Degree Godwinning. To get his screennames reinstated, Chavez will have to renew his IP address and create new Gmail accounts–a very stiff penalty indeed.