You Missed It: Sudden withdrawal edition

A sex scandal involving the representative from N.C.'s 2nd district would have been much juicer if Clay Aiken had won.
A sex scandal with McCarthy and the representative from N.C.’s 2nd district would have been much juicer if Clay Aiken had won.

Apparently there’s a pumpkin shortage this year. That seems odd, because every grocery store I’ve seen has been bursting with them. The real problem is how we’re using them. The grocery store just down the road from me is selling painted pumpkins. Painted. Pumpkins. You’re supposed to do two things with a pumpkin: eat it, and carve a jack-o-lantern. When you paint a stupid face on a pumpkin, you can’t do either. Is this a thing now? If you were busy getting released from prison this week, odds are you missed it.

House wrecker
House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy was having a decent week until he removed himself from consideration to be the next speaker of the House. According to reports, Speaker John Boehner’s hand-picked successor received an email this week threatening to expose an alleged affair with Rep. Renee Ellmers. And that is called being majority whipped.

There’s no emoji to get this right
Speaking of getting messages you don’t want, Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz had a headache of his own when his fiance sent a group text to all of the women he is cheating on her with. In her message, Elaina Watley introduced herself, and called out the other ladies for banging her fiance. It appears Cruz will be using his hands for more than just football.

Emo Royale
This week, while promoting his new movie, Spectre, actor Daniel Craig said he would rather slash his wrists than play James Bond again. Perhaps this is a peak at what the new movie will be like. That would explain why Sam Smith’s song for the film is so moody and bland.

You Missed It: Ugly cry edition

Keep it together, man.
Keep it together, man.

I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the song for the new James Bond movie. “Writing’s on the Wall” is Sam Smith’s take on a theme song for spy thriller, and for some reason it’s slow and seemingly filled with self-doubt, which is the opposite of Bond. While the songs from Bond films are a mixed bag at best, at least they usually feel like they belong in a movie filled with explosions and easy women. The thing is, I can’t figure out which Tom Petty song Smith is stealing from this time.

The audacity of pope
Pope Francis started his tour of the U.S. this week by spending three days in Washington, D.C. He met with government officials, ate lunch with Catholic charities, and even addressed a joint session of Congress. The very next day, House Speaker John Boehner announced he will resign next month. No doubt because he allowed the literal head of a foreign religion to come in and tell us what we should do.

Das illegal
It was discovered this week that Volkswagen cheated on its emissions tests for its diesel cars for years in the U.S. and Germany. The company initially denied the claim, which means it supplied it, according to emissions playground rules. CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized and stepped down from his post. Worst of all, he has been uninvited to all the cool Oktoberfest events.

It’s officially fall
Port police in Philadelphia intercepted a shipment of 360 pounds of cocaine hidden inside pumpkins imported from Costa Rica, authorities said this week. Man, pumpkin spice is in everything this time of year.