Construction has been halted on a highway underpass that would have resolved traffic congestion in San Antonio, Tex. Why did workers stop digging? Because somebody saw a spider.
Animals have borrowed a page from the U.S. Civil War, tying up Southern transportation lines with the only weapon at their disposal: the heebie-jeebies. Good luck getting anyone to shovel dirt when any trowel-full could lead to an underground spider cave.
The spider, a Braken Bat Cave meshweaver, is an endangered species that hasn’t been seen since it was first discovered 30 years ago. It’s blind, so that means it finds its way around by touching everything with its disgusting, spindly legs and mouth parts.
What we need now is an anti-environmental judge with a really big shoe to get roadwork started again.
A Bexar County, Texas, jail guard was convicted of smuggling a saw blade to an inmate by hiding it in a taco. A surprise inspection of now-convicted double murderer Jacob Keller’s cell turned up a hacksaw blade, a rope, and a prison jumpsuit dyed to look like civilian clothes.
The guard, Alfred Casas, however maintains his innocence, and in his defense, Keller did not escape. So, how did the blade end up in a taco?
- Fire sauce just doesn’t cut it, butt pain-wise, once you’ve had prison sex.
- It could have been from Taco Bell, which are filled with 100 percent beef and 100 percent stainless steel saw blades.
- Casas’ wife may have been trying to slowly kill him, but ran out of arsenic for that day’s lunch.
- How else was Keller supposed to get the sapling he swallowed out?
According to a survey published in the BMC Psychiatry journal, mentally ill patients are more likely to be obese or overweight than patients with physiological disorders.
This may help explain why a San Antonio, Tex., man attacked a Taco Bell with an air gun and a semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol over the price increase on Beefy Crunch Burritos. He discovered the beefy crunchy hike from 99 cents to $1.49 after ordering seven of them.
The good news is that, after a three-hour standoff with the SWAT team, we can all have a hearty laugh about this. Unless of course, you, dear reader, planned to buy 30 burritos for $30 at lunch today.
There is sadness in San Antonio, today. Citizens will have to make due with ghost riders in the sky, because they will not see a floating banana anytime soon.
Yes, it was announced last week that there will not be a banana blimp in the Texas sky, as had previously been planned. Really, what state doesn’t need a floating fruit vessel? perhaps the most shocking part about all of this is that the banana blimp won’t happen because of lack of funding.
What is wrong with the citizens of Texas, that they don’t want to donate money to make this blimp a reality? Do they not like proper nutrition or something?