Why do some people live to be very, very old? Science would argue that the odds of a few people out of a population of 6 billion living well beyond the normal age range is very high. But that doesn’t make for fun local news stories. If you love getting bad advice from old people, you’ll love this one.
Matilda Curcia of San Diego turned 100 last week, and of course she was asked what she attributes her longevity to. Her answer: beer and potato chips. She has a beer every night and three potato chips, and neither amount sounds worth living for. She also said she exercises every day.
We’ll stick with the beer and chips, thank you.
Yar! I never be someone who watched 24. I always be thinking the show be just extremely ridiculous, and that’s me saying that (just yesterday at work, aboard my vessel, I be telling quite a tale about a robot that runs around dispensing hyper-ebola). All I know about 24 is that Jack Bauer be seemingly as invincible as the Flying Dutchman and that he works for a counter-terrorism group. Also, Aisha Tyler (mmmm, Aisha Tyler be quite a tasty wench).
I can now successfully say that Jack Bauer’s counter-terrorism group, even with Aisha Tyler, be a group o’ landlubbers. The most awesome counter-terrorism group be officially HALO Corp., located out of San Diego (known to many a water-bearing vessel as Whale’s Vagina).
On Halloween, HALO will be taking on zombies. And it will not be a drill.
Actually, aye, it be a drill, but that’s okay. Part of a counter-terrorism summit, the future-training for their employees is being done in order to save human lives. It’s that kind of serious thinking and planning that brings a proud tear to my eye.
You know how the waves are riding the crest, and you’re all, like, “Dude, I’ve totally gotta ride that curl! It’s, like, one big dream wave, dude!” But then, brah, you get majorly thirsty. So, obviously, you start pounding the brewski’s, cuz after all, you’re radically thirsty.
But whoa, now you’re all sleepy, but even worse, now you’ve got one massive mess in the beach! What do you do, especially after having been an awesome bro by giving one of your buds your board. What do you, dude?!
You make a surfboard out of the cans. Radical!
Invasion. Infestation. Invertebrates. These are three words that start with the letter I that we cannot stand here at SeriouslyGuys.
Unfortunately, they exist for a reason. One reason being that giant snails have invaded South Florida. We’re not talking snails that you’ve seen before, we’re talking about African giant snails, the type that grow up to three quarters of a foot. They make badly shot movies about these monsters! Even worse, ten thousand of them have been found. That’s a lot of ugly, the likes of which Miami hasn’t seen since Chris Bosh came to town (I kid, I kid, but seriously, the dude looks like an alien). The mollusks are known to be carriers of meningitis, eat the local flora and can seriously damage the foundation of houses in the area. Do your part, residents of South Florida-stomp out a snail today.
But that’s not the only problem with invertebrates. In the quaint town of San Diego (German for “whale’s vagina”), the brave firefighters of Station 29 have been forced to flee the station house. Why so? Those monsters of New York, the bedbugs, have infested the beds. And the clothing. And the equipment. That’s not good for anybody that needs to be saved if a firefighter is too busy scratching to save you from your burning house!
Clearly the invertebrate world is attempting to take we humans on. Don’t let that happen. We’re bigger than them (well, most of us are).
Nutella, that hazelnut and chocolate spread from Australia, tends to be a fairly tasty food paste. Slap it on a sandwich with some peanut butter (fact: peanut butter makes everything better, so suck it people allergic to nuts) and you’ve got a tasty sammich. Slide some on a warm biscuit and you’ve got another tasty breakfast treat (or a treat that’s good anytime in the day, as I live in the south). But never should you, or would you, assume that it’s 100 percent the healthiest thing ever. I mean, it’s partially made from chocolate-you’re not gonna replace a grilled fish and pineapple salad with it.
But, as this is America, home of the frivolous lawsuit, that’s never stopped anyone from being dumb enough to feel that their ads calling it a tasty yet balanced breakfast are misleading.
You know what’s sad? When Fred Phelps and the Westboro “Totally Not Gay” Baptists make it to Comic-Con before we do.
Phelps plans to picket the world-famous comic book convention because he believes nerds worship comic characters instead of Phelps Jesus. He hopes to encourage attendees to put down the action figures and pick up a Bible, warning them that
“The destruction of this nation is imminent – so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry.”‘
Well, Fred, we’ve tried that. And as much as we’ve prayed for Jesus to slap the blasphemy out of you, it’s more likely that someone dressed as Aquaman will finally do it.
So, thanks for converting us over to the church of a comics character based on Greek (read: butt-loving) paganism.
(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)
Capitalism strikes again! A 22-year old San Diegoan (loosely translated into “a 22-year old whale’s vaginan”) wants to auction her virginity to pay for her college eduction. (She’s going for a doctorate in marriage and family therapy.) Well, if it’s one night in Reno vs. 10 years of student loan payments, that’s a pretty tough call to make. Of course, potential buyers are encouraged to supply their own ’89 Corolla.
We have finally figured out how to eliminate those annoying dolphins as a species (aside from humiliating them to death for tourist shows). SeaWorld, the world’s largest chain for aquatic gulags, has managed to kill a dolphin as part of its show.
Sharky the dolphin was performing some sort of aerial stunt when it hit another dolphin in a mid-air collision. Now THAT’s entertainment! In the War on Animals, it is always great to see people showing initiative and eliminating the great dolphin threat.
Sadly, we lost one of our boys on the West Coast recently. An animal trainer in California paid the ultimate price in this crazy, mixed-up war, when a “friendly” grizzly bear he was wrestling with bit him on the neck. We proudly salute our fallen comrade. May he go where the bears and their hunts for picanic baskets cannot reach him.
Finally, many of our readers have been clamoring for mention of the shark attack in San Diego last week. There, we said it.
In a tough election cycle, it can be tough for a candidate to make themselves stand out above the crowd. As one San Diego City Council candidate learned, peeing into a cup and masturbating on a public street in the middle of the afternoon is certainly one way to do that. That might cost him a few votes, but sometimes real leadership means do things that are unpopular, right? Plus, I’m sure that he’s locked into the “Urination and Globule” constituents.
Sorry to interupt today’s observance of the War on Animals, but Starbucks is in trouble!
The San Diego Superior Court has ordered the company to pay over $100 million to all of its
waiters baristas in California. They were sued by a former employee who claimed that shift supervisors were included in tip-share, which is in violation of state law.
This venti order of justice could not come at a worse time. Starbucks has been in financial trouble for almost two years now because caffeine junkies have turned their back on them in favor of quicker fixes like Red Bull, Dunkin’ Donuts and crack-coccaine.
Remember the world before Starbucks? When you had to drink a Coke to wake up in the morning? When your tongue wasn’t stained hemorrhoid brown? When you didn’t have a place to show off your Macbook?
Do you really want to go back to using PCs, having money for cigarettes and listening to Peter Cetera un-ironically?
We didn’t think so. Get to a Starbucks today, and let them know what America is really about: not drinking tea.