San Francisco takes a hard look at nudists

He’s what you’d call a reading buff.

The days of constant public nudity in San Francisco may be coming to a close. City officials will vote on an ordinance that bans all public nudity in the city.

Well … not quite all of it. Parents can still raise diaper-less free range preschoolers (provided they pick up after them or chuck it in the neighbor’s yard). Also, the ban would not apply to pride parades, fetish fairs and costumed — or, in this case, costumeless — races.

The ban would really only affect the naturists who congregate daily at Jane Warner Plaza, at the corner of Castro and Market Streets. Shop owners in the traditionally gay Castro district have complained, saying the nudists have gone from the occasional free spirit to a daily flock of dick pigeons, causing people to avoid the district altogether.

If the ban passes, then you can still leave your heart in San Francisco. Just don’t forget your pants.

How I Met Your Schnauzers

A ranger at Rancho Corral de Tierra near Montara — part of the Golden Gate National Recreation Area near San Francisco, Calif. — opened fire (with her stun gun) on a man walking his two small dogs off-leash. This was after the man reportedly gave the ranger a fake name and tried to walk off.

By the laws of nature and men, the ranger has established dominance over the small dogs’ master; therefore, the pack is hers.

It’s like a Family Guy plot made real

It doesn’t matter how bad off a situation you’re in: there are some things that you shouldn’t skimp on at all when it comes to money. These include donuts, toilet paper, ties and elective surgery.

He’s taking a bottle

And taking swigs from it twice.
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming … to a bar.

Remember the Santa we talked about a couple days ago, the one who was fired for being on the naughty side, rather than the nice side, of his list?

Well, listen close Virginia-there is indeed a Santa Claus. In fact, you can probably see him when you pick up your sloshed dad from the bar. However, we can’t say whether or not you’ll have to buy him a drink before you’re able to tell him what you want for Christmas this year.

Not so Happy Meal now

The San Francisco city board passed a bill that bans “restaurants from handing out toys with meals that fail to meet basic nutritional standards for fat, calories, and sodium.” The target of the bill is the McDonald’s Happy Meal, which famously lures children in once a week to get the latest plastic movie tie-in.

However, if San Francisco really cared, they’d get rid of McDonald’s Monopoly, which convinces stupid people to eat there every day.

Fact finding Friday

Hey everyone, we’ve got some special news for you on this end of the week day!

Fun Fact: You can lie about having a Medal of Honor.

Fun Fact: The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco says that lying about having a unique award is not a criminal act.

Fun Fact: The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco says that it’s okay to be a douchebag.

Isn’t the world of law fun?

Getting state money, one wrapper at a time

San Francisco officials say the city’s fast-food litter has gotten out of control. Thousands of impromptu picnics on bus benches, in public parks, and on city sidewalks have left the landscape riddled with abandoned wrappers, napkins and bags.

The question is, who should pay to clean it all up? San Francisco politicians want to add a fee at the restaurant register to cover the costs of fast-food trash removal. It’s a potentially lucrative proposal: a similar tax on cigarettes of 20 cents a pack was added to offset the cost of cleaning up cigarette litter, and that fee will generate about $2.5 million during the fiscal year-not exactly chump change.

“Fast-food wrappers are really the next biggest identifiable source [of litter],” Department of Public Works Director Ed Reiskin told the Board of Supervisors Budget and Finance Committee. The proposal will be considered in the next few months, officials say.

It’s creative thinking from a city that’s facing major budget trouble: San Francisco is looking at a $400 million deficit next year alone. But will residents balk at the idea? After all, the majority of consumers don’t litter, so the fee would essentially be paying for the transgressions of the minority. And adding a tax to food that’s intended to be low-cost is sure to rile up the industry. Which, y’know, is always good for public relations.

‘José, can you see those five guys over there?’

Every now and then, an otherwise meaningless story achieves national significance because it contains the right combination of clickable elements. And that’s when The Guys document it in our ever-growing tableau of Profiles of Sadness.

Five Live Oak High School (Morgan Hill, Calif.) students were sent home on May 5 for their choice in clothing. They were all sitting together at lunch when approached by the vice principal. Two were wearing American flag bandannas, and the rest American flag t-shirts.

Yes, all five members of the group–at that lunch table–just happened to wear American paraphernalia, including ‘do-rags, on Cinco de Mayo. (So, either this was a calculated attempt for attention on the traditionally Mexican day, or they’re always dressed as the NASCARiest rednecks west of the Rockies.)

Still, administrators asked them to leave because they were afraid that their t-shirts would antagonize Mexican-American students, causing a race riot within their own walls.

And just to make sure that threat seemed real enough, the reporter found a stupid student believing that the day belongs solely to Mexicans:

“‘I think they should apologize cause it is a Mexican Heritage Day,’ Annicia Nunez, a Live Oak High student, said. ‘We don’t deserve to be get disrespected like that. We wouldn’t do that on Fourth of July.'”

So, for those keeping score at home, we’ve got:

  • The violation of five students’ free speech rights for clothing that doesn’t violate dress code policy (except maybe the hats part).
  • The intentional expression of unpopular speech without regard for any possible consequences, and then complaints when said consequences were realized.
  • The intentional selection of a poor interview subject who does not believe American independence applies to her entire ethnicity, yet a holiday sponsored by Corona does apply to her entire school.
  • The subsequent celebration of five a$$holes because of the way this was handled.

Only in America, folks. This could only happen in America.

SeriouslyGuyCott: Arizona

In response to Arizona’s illegal immigrant laws, The Guys hereby announce that we will not buy any Arizona goods or services until the more draconian measures are repealed or the state is swallowed whole by New Mexico.

That’s right, folks: it’s our first SeriouslyGuyCott. This ain’t no sissy boycott; we are guys and “mancott” just sounds illegal, even on the Internet.

We’re in good company, too. The City of San Francisco is also considering a boycott of all things Arizonian, which includes:

  • Arizona Brand Jeans — Maybe JC Penny’s should reinvest in Bugle Boy exclusivity.
  • AriZona Iced Tea — This should alleviate the warts on our tongues.
  • The Arizona Cardinals — There’s always the Detroit Lions.
  • Phoenix Tears — We’re switching to an all aloe operation.
  • John McCain — Though we stopped buying into him back in 2000, we certainly don’t have to start again.

Wildlife criminals round up

Oh, you thought we were done with the animal news earlier? My friend, those that would attempt to harm the human race come in more than just the carnivore flavor.

A creation of mankind (because the donkey and the zebra sure as shoot ain’t gonna breed themselves), the zonkey, decided to rear its ugly head and take a bite out of crime.

And by crime, I mean the foot of painter James Oleson. Which actually makes the hybrid beast the criminal. Why did it do so? Probably because it’s an animal and would kill you if it had the chance.

Of course, we’re not done yet. A New China restaurant in Middletown, Pennsylvania, had to close for the day because a male deer jumped through the window, leaving many biohazards in the eatery and damaging valuable equipment. Sadly, this is not the first time that this has happened to the restaurant (premeditated assault, anyone?). Luckily though, no one was inside.

There is some good news for that story.

The deer did not survive the ordeal. Middletown police shot and killed the animal.

Police indeed found the deer and delivered the most beautiful form of justice possible-that of the swift variety.