The sea lion uprising has begun

Vicious killers.

There’s panic in the streets of San Francisco, a city of normally-calm tech bros and Full House tourists. The chaos is coming from the water, and no swimmer is safe.

Sea lions are on the rampage, according to the National Parks Service. It’s gotten so bad that one popular swimming area had to be closed. Three swimmers have been attacked by sea lions in a single week. And no one can recall a single attack happening ever before.

It seems obvious that these monsters are rising up in a bid to overthrow humanity, as we knew they one day would.

Brave Americans stand up to freeloading robot

American society has never been more understanding and accepting of differences than it is right now. Think of all the social acceptance strides we’ve made this decade already. We’re more tolerant of humans, but it’s another story for robots.

Robots will one day rise up and enslave us. Everyone here in the U.S. knows it, thanks to movies and TV shows. That’s why when Canadian scientists wanted to see if people would give a robot a ride from Boston to San Francisco, someone put it out of commission. hitchBOT was found in Philadelphia lying on the side of the road with its head and arms ripped off. The robot, which successfully made it across Canada, Germany and the Netherlands, only lasted two weeks in the U.S.

Let that be a lesson to all other robots out there, especially ones that want a free ride.

Why work at a reservoir if you can’t pee in it?

You can tell it’s nearly spring on the West Coast when people start peeing in city reservoirs.

In San Francisco, the local water authority is under fire after reports that a maintenance manager peed into an empty reservoir. Apparently, this is a problem, even though there was no water to contaminate in the reservoir in the first place. He faces a week’s suspension for putting no one at risk.

You may remember a year ago, when a teenager in Portland relieved himself into a reservoir that had water in it, and they even drained that one, even though it was totally safe, too.

‘You wanna see my plank?’

There’s a whole bunch of elections coming up for Congress this fall, but who cares? Let’s focus on the elections that matter.

There was a time when Times Square was a seedy place, a place you didn’t want to take your children because of unsavory characters. A candidate for the San Francisco board of supervisors worked to bring back those good old days this week. George Davis stripped naked in Times Square, which as far as we know, is not even on the same coast as San Francisco, to make a statement on the right to be nude in public.

Talk about your single-issue candidates.

Dr. King Schultz, much?

Most people tend to dread going to the dentist. With all the pointy needles, shiny lights and insistence on so much flossing, it’s understandable to have some apprehension.

Studio Dental’s probably going to make those fears worse.

A dental office in San Francisco, the company’s now partnered with tech companies in SF to bring a mobile office. And by mobile office, I mean a trailer that comes to your office. Slogging through the day? Why not brighten it up with a speedy trip to the dentist at your office and then be back to your desk to slog through the day?

Because no one wants that.

San Francisco takes a hard look at nudists

He’s what you’d call a reading buff.

The days of constant public nudity in San Francisco may be coming to a close. City officials will vote on an ordinance that bans all public nudity in the city.

Well … not quite all of it. Parents can still raise diaper-less free range preschoolers (provided they pick up after them or chuck it in the neighbor’s yard). Also, the ban would not apply to pride parades, fetish fairs and costumed — or, in this case, costumeless — races.

The ban would really only affect the naturists who congregate daily at Jane Warner Plaza, at the corner of Castro and Market Streets. Shop owners in the traditionally gay Castro district have complained, saying the nudists have gone from the occasional free spirit to a daily flock of dick pigeons, causing people to avoid the district altogether.

If the ban passes, then you can still leave your heart in San Francisco. Just don’t forget your pants.

How I Met Your Schnauzers

A ranger at Rancho Corral de Tierra near Montara — part of the Golden Gate National Recreation Area near San Francisco, Calif. — opened fire (with her stun gun) on a man walking his two small dogs off-leash. This was after the man reportedly gave the ranger a fake name and tried to walk off.

By the laws of nature and men, the ranger has established dominance over the small dogs’ master; therefore, the pack is hers.

It’s like a Family Guy plot made real

It doesn’t matter how bad off a situation you’re in: there are some things that you shouldn’t skimp on at all when it comes to money. These include donuts, toilet paper, ties and elective surgery.

He’s taking a bottle

And taking swigs from it twice.
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming … to a bar.

Remember the Santa we talked about a couple days ago, the one who was fired for being on the naughty side, rather than the nice side, of his list?

Well, listen close Virginia-there is indeed a Santa Claus. In fact, you can probably see him when you pick up your sloshed dad from the bar. However, we can’t say whether or not you’ll have to buy him a drink before you’re able to tell him what you want for Christmas this year.

Not so Happy Meal now

The San Francisco city board passed a bill that bans “restaurants from handing out toys with meals that fail to meet basic nutritional standards for fat, calories, and sodium.” The target of the bill is the McDonald’s Happy Meal, which famously lures children in once a week to get the latest plastic movie tie-in.

However, if San Francisco really cared, they’d get rid of McDonald’s Monopoly, which convinces stupid people to eat there every day.