Tag: San Francisco

Bear Whisperer discovered?

That was the potential bear whisperer's previous offense.Doctors at an undisclosed San Francisco hospital are evaluating the mental abilities of a man who survived jumping into the grizzly bear pen at the city’s Zoo.

Police described the 21-year-old man as a transient, a recluse with a record of warning people that they were getting too close, presumably by standing on his rear feet. And when he jumped into the grizzly display, the bears merely approached him and sniffed him, almost as if he were one of their own!

It’s clear what’s going on. Science may have discovered the first bear whisperer in recent history. The question is, whose side is he on?

We hope the doctors in San Francisco can find out for certain.

Yet another war the hippies try to undermine

When an animal wanders onto a busy highway, that’s generally pancake time–a tradition we proudly salute. But, as has been the case since 1967, the rules don’t apply in San Francisco.

It was there that a baby sea lion cutely waddled its way out onto I-880 when there were  a lot of cars on the road. Instead of doing their civic duty and teaching that sea feline a one-time lesson in consequences, they called the police. When the California Highway Patrol got there, they did the right thing and threw the sea lion in the back of their car, not even stopping to Marandize the beast.

Presumably, they were taking the juvenile in for questioning (waterboarding doesn’t work well on aquatic creatures), then the namby-pambies had a change of heart and brought it to a nearby marine center.

The good news is this seems to be a fairly common occurence. That means there’s always next time.

Science inches closer to jumping the Ewok

Everyone who’s seen Star Wars (any of the good movies, that is) remembers the Death Star-large, gray beach ball ship that used green lasers to blow up a planet. Blew up exactly one whole planet in the movies. More bark than bite, truthfully.

Scientists in California would like to prove that wrong. A new laser was debuted recently, detailing about how it has the power to burn as hot as a star.

“We have invented the world’s largest laser system,” actor-turned-governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said during a dedication ceremony attended by thousands including state and national officials.

Coming from a man who’s sole mission in film is to be more violent and Arnold-ier than anyone else in movies, that’s only fitting. Granted, the press may be saying that real purpose of the laser is to create large amounts of energy, but, c’mon, we all know its true use.

Next step: star powered gravity drives on spaceships. Why? How else are we going to tow our massive laser cannon into space and blow the hell out of a planet?

Will they hit tailgaters next?

The terrorists are hitting San Francisco and they’re doing it one porta-potty at a time. Since November, more than 20 of the temporary toilets have gone up in flames. What kind of a criminal genius would do such a thing?

The fires have happened at construction sites near Lombard Street, which you probably know as that street swerves so much that only drunk people can navigate it properly. Contractors are hopping mad about it, and not just because they have to find somewhere else to go, because it smells really really bad and has caused $50,000 in damage.

But the construction workers are fighting back. Apparently they are camouflaging their cans so the pyromaniac or pyromaniacs cannot find them–like a toilet cake scented Easter egg hunt.

But will her mouth have a spam filter?

A San Francisco artist has decided that the best way to replace her missing eye is with a web camera. Lindsey Wagner is most probably proud of the decision.

Artist Tanya Vlach, who lost her eye in a car accident, has used the power of the INTARWUBS to issue a challenge to engineers all across the world wide web: make an “eye cam” for her fake eye that can all kinds of things seen more often in science fiction movies than in real life.

Now, is there a problem? Of course. Power would definitely be the restriction here. The idea of having the wireless power magically “beamed” to the eye is theoretically sound, but putting it in practice is another issue, especially considering this power would need to be sent through a human body, which may have safety issues. The loss in such a process is considerable, and it’s not like a phone is some endless source of power in itself. I mean, I have to charge my iPhone at least once a day, and I’m not surfing the web on it all the time. How much power could be outputted by something that has to “dilate with changes of light” and allow a user to blink to control its zoom, focus and on/off switch?

Problem number 2: in 2047, Sam Neill will open a dimensional portal to a place where “we won’t be needing our eyes.” So, you know, we’ve got that going for us.

Inverse black hole creation question: What will happen if she looks at a live feed of her site in a monitor? Or is that sight?