The Guys’ War on Christmas: declassified

Our anti-Christmas symbol is an upside-down Holiday Tree in every store front after Halloween.

As a somewhat liberal-leaning web site, it’s probably time for SeriouslyGuys to come clean: we’re absolutely at war with Christmas. We tried to keep it under wraps, CIA-style, but, that’s now impossible because of our new amazingly strong president and his very productive tweets. So, yes, Virginia, the War on Christmas is real, and The Guys aren’t going to give up the fight until every American on Earth says “Happy Holidays” and eats a Kwanzaa cake or whatever.

That said, The Guys are sending our thoughts and prayers to Christmas prisoner of war who, like POWs in Vietnam, alerted us to their status through clandestine sign language. In one captive’s forced photo with Santa Claus from 12 years ago, a toddler signed the word for “help,” letting us know both that he is alive and also that baby sign language totally works, you guys.

Mr. Spencer, even though it’s been more than a decade, stay strong. Santa may claim he has leverage through surveillance on you and try to convince you that you are naughty, but that’s just how he wins hearts and minds over here. We have it on good authority that you have been and shall remain on the nice list … provided you don’t give away any of our War on Christmas secrets.

Man covered in blood says it’s from Santa Claus

There may actually not be a Christmas this year. Santa Claus may be injured or dead.

In Michigan, a man was found wandering around outside a gas station covered in blood and holding a piece of meat. (No, that’s not the punchline, we’re not that dark.) Authorities say that before they arrived on the scene, the man ran off to his mobile home nearby. They found him because there was a trail of blood leading right to his door. There was even blood on the door itself. Police say Roy Purple, 62, was visibly drunk, and said that the blood on the door was from Santa Claus.

This alarming response was brushed off by police, who arrested Purple on resisting an officer after he lunged at a cop. All too eager to explain a possible murder of Chris Kringle away, authorities say they believe the blood was from a deer hit by a car nearby. The head was cut off and found near Purple’s home.

Can we get a welfare check on Santa?

Seems like Santa gets arrested earlier every year

Flight risk.

We’re barely a week after Halloween, but Santa Claus is out making appearances — and having inevitable run-ins with the law — once more. This year, old Chris Kringle is starting off the retail Christmas season with drug charges.

Police in South Hackensack, New Jersey say that Santa, going under the alias Charles Smith, 66, was arrested on drug paraphernalia charges after a crack pipe, empty bags of crack and heroin and hypodermic needles were found in his car during a traffic stop.

The South Hackensack Police Department just made it to the naughty list this year.

You Missed It: Buddy icon edition

Kids, this was our Snapchat.

We’re back here again, in a news comedy column, avoiding talking about something horrible that happened a few days ago. It’s Friday, and we’ve had plenty of time to overload ourselves, so I won’t bum you out. I’ll just say that we need to make changes happen now, and I’ll move along to the funny stuff. If you were busy calling your boss a moron this week, odds are you missed it.

The final away message
AOL announced this week that it is shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all in December. Your parents were reportedly very upset by this announcement.

The woke yogurt
This week, yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”

The tomb of Santa Claus
Archaeologists this week announced that they believe they have found the tomb of Saint Nicolas in Turkey. They say his remains are likely in a church, and have further work to do to confirm it. So there you have it, kids: Santa Claus is real, he’s just dead. Sleep tight!

Santa arrested for selling drugs … again

It’s still the off-season for Santa Claus, and even though he’s on vacation, he’s been busy with his side gig: selling drugs.

Back around Christmas, we told you that Santa Claus got arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling drugs. It seems that the jolly old elf didn’t learn his lesson, because police picked him up in the Florida Keys selling again. According to authorities, Fidel Gutierrez, which is apparently the name Claus is going by right now, sold cocaine to undercover police officers six times in February and March. In his defense, those officers had wished for coke.

Should we really be shocked that a guy with white hair and a white beard selling snow?

Santa Claus caught selling pot, molly

When the North Pole sends its people down here, it’s not sending its best.

Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.

According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.

Kids, Santa needs a belt this Christmas.

Santa Claus arrested for being too jolly to drive

The Post Falls, Idaho Police Department is going to be on the naughty list next year after they arrested a man named Santa Claus last week.

According to authorities, Claus was spotted driving the wrong way on a one-way street and was pulled over. Father Christmas explained that he wasn’t from around there, and wasn’t familiar with the streets in town. However, cops smelled alcohol on his breath. He blew a .13 of jolliness. Pere Noel was arrested and charged with DUI, which was later reduced to reckless driving.

Santa, next time you have a few, ask one of your helpers to drive. At least now we know where he went with the stolen helicopter.

 

Krampus Claus coming to town this year

Younger kids instinctively know Santa's other form. Hence why they defend themselves by peeing on him in malls.
Younger kids instinctively know Santa’s other form. Hence why they defend themselves by peeing on him in malls.

It seems like the Krampus just kind of wormed its way into our current popular culture out of the blue. How did a piece of obscure folklore from Austria/Bavaria take root in a public consciousness that barely has enough room for Jesus, much less a horned creature that whips naughty children with birch branches?

Simple: this year will be the first full moon on Christmas since 1977. And, Santa Claus is a werewolf.

C’mon. You didn’t see it?

  • Immortal?
  • Hairy?
  • Can’t blow down modern houses, so he sneaks down the chimney?

Connect the dots, people. It’s even in the name:

  • “Santa” is an anagram for “Satan,” the basis for Krampus’ horns.
  • Claus sounds like Clause, which is how Tim Allen flogged America for making Home Improvement — a show about working with various woods, including birch — a hit.

So, you better watch out, you better now cry, you better not pout, we’re telling you why: Santa Claus is Krampus this year. But, then you can go right back to being a douche. Well, until 2034 when the Christmas moon is full again.

Santa Claus steals helicopter

This is what happens when reindeer feed prices go up.
This is what happens when reindeer feed prices go up.

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and while here in the U.S. it means the beginning of Valentine’s Day season, in other countries, they’re just getting their Christmas season underway.

In Brazil, they’re already dealing with the annual worldwide scourge of Santa Clauses committing crimes. Santa’s starting off big this year. Authorities say he stole a helicopter in Sao Paulo. Chris Kringle rented a helicopter from a nearby airport, and forced the pilot to land in a field, where another guy, likely one of Santa’s helpers, joined them. They tied up the pilot and flew off.

We are left to assume that we’ll see the helicopter again Christmas Eve, provided we’re good.

Santa Claus is governing the town

The man is a political junkie, as we saw at the Democratic debate.
The man is a political junkie, as we saw at the Democratic debate.

We don’t think about the North Pole unless it’s Christmas, but the town exists year-round. That means they must have some sort of government and all the problems of a small town.

It turns out that North Pole isn’t a dictatorship run by Santa Claus, but he just got elected to the city council. Claus conducted a successful write-in campaign for the seat in North Pole, Alaska after no one threw their hat into the ring. He got more than twice the candidate who finished second. You may remember Santa Claus from his stirring speech in favor of medical marijuana back in June.

This holiday season promises to be merrier than ever.