Truly a Christmas miracle

Fun fact: Santa Claus is not Sylvester Stallone.

Do not let Rick Snee lie to you. Despite his claims and false joyful appearance as of late, facial hair can do nothing but lead to death.

In an event that will eventually be recorded as a stop-motion animated Rankin-Bass movie titled “The Year Santa Claus Nearly Died In a Mall In Front of a Bunch of Kids,” we learned that Kris Kringle is not an extreme sports rock climber. One of his many agents isn’t either, getting his beard stuck in rappelling equipment while entering a mall from its glass ceiling. The beardo eventually made his way down to the ground, but not in a speedy fashion.

Hey, Papá Noel: The next time you want to surprise a bunch of kids at a mall, try using the front door, okay?

He’s taking a bottle

And taking swigs from it twice.
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is coming … to a bar.

Remember the Santa we talked about a couple days ago, the one who was fired for being on the naughty side, rather than the nice side, of his list?

Well, listen close Virginia-there is indeed a Santa Claus. In fact, you can probably see him when you pick up your sloshed dad from the bar. However, we can’t say whether or not you’ll have to buy him a drink before you’re able to tell him what you want for Christmas this year.

We know which list he’s on

In other Santa related news

To paraphrase a line, it’s hard out there for a Claus. The recession hit all of us, and by all of us, I mean all on a global level. Which is true. And a part of the globe: the North Pole. Not all of the great toys could be produced, some of the elves had to be made redundant and a few reindeer had to be sold to … factories of questionable means. The worst part is that the bumbles no longer bounce.

So yeah, you can kind of see that morale up in the greatest of the white norths might be a little down, and positive feelings have to be garnered anywhere that they can be found. However, that does not excuse improper behavior.

Sadly, the Union Square Macy’s Santa didn’t get the memo. He’s been telling the same risque joke for more than 20 years, and one couple had had enough. As a result of the complaint, this particular Santa has been canned from that store. I blame the elves.

Take it from Snee: Oh, there’s a Santa Claus alright

“DEAR DR. SNEE: I am 8 years old.
“Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
“Papa says, ‘If you see it on SERIOUSLYGUYS it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?


VIRGINIA, your little friends are buttf#%king morons, maybe even retarded. In either case, they have at least been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

In other words, everyone (but me) is full of s@#t, so it’s a good thing you wrote me. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Oh, there’s a Santa Claus alright

Fox and facts? Oh, deer

SG is breaking new Internet comedy ground with ROFLDeer (patent pending).It’s already understood that Fox News has a very tenuous grasp on what separates “fact” from “s#@t we’re spitballing on live television.” It’s also common knowledge that they have a Web site that reports this “news,” yet looks like it was built by CNN two years ago.

But, just when you think Fox can’t lower the bar any further, here are some very true, controversial facts about Santa’s reindeer.

Bonus: The article mentions “climate change” and steps to address it, but very carefully avoids implicating human emissions.

Shine up your jingle bells

With a recession on, Christmas in July is more than just a marketing ploy for retailers out there. It’s not just a way of stirring up business with sales during a really slow month. It’s turning into an attempted extension of the Christmas season. You know who’s behind it? The Santa Claus World Congress.

Apparently, all those Santas get together in Copenhagen, Denmark to reaffirm the importance, well, probably malls and elves and stuff. But this year, the Chris Kringle Congress started off with a wedding. Apparently Nordic people have a thing for the jolly old elf.

Well, we have weddings officiated by Elvis/Darth Vader/Captain Kirk, so who are we to talk?

The year they fined Santa

New York is trying to become America’s Christmas hatingest city this year, and from what we have seen, it’s way out in front. Olympia, Washington has nothing on the Big Apple.

Santa Claus was delivering presents in Brooklyn recently, and he found out the hard way that parking laws apply to him, even though he is a seemingly immortal elf who regularly braves animal attacks for our benefit. This time, San Nicolas was operating under the false identity of Chip Cafiero, a “retired schoolteacher.”

On Black Friday, he parking his horse-drawn carriage and an SUV assisting him was double-parked next to the carriage and a traffic cop noticed.

Santa says he yelled “Ho! Ho! Ho!” to get the traffic agent’s attention because the SUV wasn’t blocking traffic. But in his words, “This grinch just went ahead and fined me.”

Sure, it’s nothing like the booing Santa got from Philadelphia Eagles fans during a game in the 60s, but that’s pretty rotten. Santa didn’t have it easy last year, either.

When animals attack Christmas

As we all have been aware of for some months now, it’s the Christmas season. And with Christmas always come those who want to destroy Christmas and turn it into a secular holiday. Then there are our enemies the animals, who every year seem to launch an attack. This year is no exception.

This time, the attack happened in New Jersey, and our foes took it up a notch this year, going after Santa Claus himself. Yes, Father Christmas was at a Petsmart in New Jersey to take pictures with pets–because pet owners have way too much free time. Out of nowhere, a bobcat sprang upon Chris Kringle, going under the pseudonym Jonathan Bebbington.

For almost five minutes, the big cat attacked what is probably our greatest symbol of good will. But, Frère Noel was saved, probably by elves or Santa’s helpers. After some concern about having to get rabies shots, the bobcat’s owner came forward. Also, it wasn’t a bobcat, it was a pixie bob, the smaller, more magical breed of big cat.

This holiday season, remember: Your pet will do whatever it can to mess with your holiday joy.