We’re back here again, in a news comedy column, avoiding talking about something horrible that happened a few days ago. It’s Friday, and we’ve had plenty of time to overload ourselves, so I won’t bum you out. I’ll just say that we need to make changes happen now, and I’ll move along to the funny stuff. If you were busy calling your boss a moron this week, odds are you missed it.
The final away message
AOL announced this week that it is shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all in December. Your parents were reportedly very upset by this announcement.
The woke yogurt
This week, yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”
The tomb of Santa Claus
Archaeologists this week announced that they believe they have found the tomb of Saint Nicolas in Turkey. They say his remains are likely in a church, and have further work to do to confirm it. So there you have it, kids: Santa Claus is real, he’s just dead. Sleep tight!
It’s still the off-season for Santa Claus, and even though he’s on vacation, he’s been busy with his side gig: selling drugs.
Back around Christmas, we told you that Santa Claus got arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling drugs. It seems that the jolly old elf didn’t learn his lesson, because police picked him up in the Florida Keys selling again. According to authorities, Fidel Gutierrez, which is apparently the name Claus is going by right now, sold cocaine to undercover police officers six times in February and March. In his defense, those officers had wished for coke.
Should we really be shocked that a guy with white hair and a white beard selling snow?
Santa Claus, a rather large elf who probably has diabetes from all the cookies we give him, only works one night a year. That gives him a lot of time to do what he wants to do–like drive drunk or steal a helicopter. This time he was arrested in Florida.
According to authorities, Pere Noel was in Jacksonville, Florida selling marijuana, molly and ecstasy out of a U-Haul truck. Acting on a tip, police caught up to Saint Nicholas, who was in his trademark red suit with white furry trim (heh), probably just trying to make a quick buck on his side hustle. He tried to run when he saw the cops, but was foiled when his pants fell down and tripped him up.
The Post Falls, Idaho Police Department is going to be on the naughty list next year after they arrested a man named Santa Claus last week.
According to authorities, Claus was spotted driving the wrong way on a one-way street and was pulled over. Father Christmas explained that he wasn’t from around there, and wasn’t familiar with the streets in town. However, cops smelled alcohol on his breath. He blew a .13 of jolliness. Pere Noel was arrested and charged with DUI, which was later reduced to reckless driving.
Santa, next time you have a few, ask one of your helpers to drive. At least now we know where he went with the stolen helicopter.
It seems like the Krampus just kind of wormed its way into our current popular culture out of the blue. How did a piece of obscure folklore from Austria/Bavaria take root in a public consciousness that barely has enough room for Jesus, much less a horned creature that whips naughty children with birch branches?
Can’t blow down modern houses, so he sneaks down the chimney?
Connect the dots, people. It’s even in the name:
“Santa” is an anagram for “Satan,” the basis for Krampus’ horns.
Claus sounds like Clause, which is how Tim Allen flogged America for making Home Improvement — a show about working with various woods, including birch — a hit.
So, you better watch out, you better now cry, you better not pout, we’re telling you why: Santa Claus is Krampus this year. But, then you can go right back to being a douche. Well, until 2034 when the Christmas moon is full again.
Thanksgiving has come and gone, and while here in the U.S. it means the beginning of Valentine’s Day season, in other countries, they’re just getting their Christmas season underway.
In Brazil, they’re already dealing with the annual worldwide scourge of Santa Clauses committing crimes. Santa’s starting off big this year. Authorities say he stole a helicopter in Sao Paulo. Chris Kringle rented a helicopter from a nearby airport, and forced the pilot to land in a field, where another guy, likely one of Santa’s helpers, joined them. They tied up the pilot and flew off.
We are left to assume that we’ll see the helicopter again Christmas Eve, provided we’re good.
Now, that war has joined another war: the War on Animals. Except it’s the victim.
This week, a black bear was caught on camera attacking an outdoor Santa Claus lawn ornament (warning: autoplay). The Santa was absolutely destroyed and taken down by the bear. Some might chalk this up to the idiocy of someone putting a lawn ornament up in a forest, but we know the real reason: the black bear in question is a weapon of the Pope, waging his war of Masdamentalescent on the state of California.
Stop it Pope Coolness. Just because you said that animals can make it to heaven doesn’t mean that you should trick them into waging a war. That’s our job.
If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.
Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.
Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.
The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition