Raise alert to ELFCON One or Five (whichever’s highest)

As you are probably aware, the North American Aerospace Defense Command tracks Santa’s movements on Christmas Eve. But, haven’t you ever wondered why?

According to NORAD’s Web site:

“On Dec. 24, 1955, a call was made to the Continental Air Defense Command (CONAD) Operations Center in Colorado Springs, Colo. […] It was from a girl in Colorado Springs who was following the directions in an advertisement printed in the local paper – she wanted to know the whereabouts of Santa Claus. […] However, the number was printed incorrectly in the advertisement and rang into the CONAD operations center.

“[…] Colonel Shoup received numerous calls that night and rather than hanging up, he had his operators find the location of Santa Claus and reported it to every child who phoned in that night.”

That’s a nice story. But, we all know the government doesn’t care about children. That’s why they hide Easter eggs in the lawn instead of handing them out.

No, this is just to keep tabs on magic people. We’re watching you, Santa. And don’t think we won’t notice if you drop off any “gifts” to Pyongyang or Tehran.

(Via Brand X and Wikipedia.)

Take it from Snee: Oh, there’s a Santa Claus alright

“DEAR DR. SNEE: I am 8 years old.
“Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
“Papa says, ‘If you see it on SERIOUSLYGUYS it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?


VIRGINIA, your little friends are buttf#%king morons, maybe even retarded. In either case, they have at least been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

In other words, everyone (but me) is full of s@#t, so it’s a good thing you wrote me. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Oh, there’s a Santa Claus alright

Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Every year, Americans do what we do best: sit around a table to observe a once-meaningful holiday because we’d look funny if we didn’t.

Me: Hey, Ted from Accounting. Big four day weekend, eh?

Ted from Accounting: Yep, gonna eat turkey with the family and watch some football. You?

Me: Oh, I’m going to Aruba for the long weekend to collect orgasms.

TfA: Well, that makes too much sense. Freak.

Thanksgiving, like every other U.S.-observed holiday, has auspicious, yet bullsh-t, origins. But if you boil that bathwater past the paper headdresses, you find a story that doesn’t matter anymore today: a group of proto-Americans are starving to death, yet finally scrape up enough farming to survive … until winter starts in earnest.

They’re thankful for managing with what they’ve got to enjoy each others’ presence, which ironically helps spread the cholera.

We don’t have that problem anymore. Even if we catch childhood leukemia, we still get an awesome last wish. (That’s only because Leonard Nimoy can’t catch leukemia from his Make-A-Wish cancer kid.) And we don’t really enjoy each others’ company. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, entire families would never see each other except to marry or bury someone.

And we definitely aren’t just scraping by. Outside of a certain percentage of poor people, the modern Thanksgiving is a modern festival of consumer distractions. The table is full of food that will go uneaten, and those who attempt to finish it off will slip into a gluttony coma on the leather sofa. This happens while everyone watches a parade full of cartoon characters selling toys, the latests must-see TV stars and the pirate of plastic productions, Santa himself. Then there’s football, which features players goosed up on the latest pharmaceuticals beating Vegas odds so the owner can sell more ball caps to guys trying to find cool new ways to cover up bald spots.

Even the idea of a feast in today’s America is ridiculous. The idea of a feast is to celebrate having plenty when you normally have little. Seen those obesity numbers lately?

So, with all that in mind, here’s my list of the things that I am thankful for this year: Continue reading Take it from Snee: I’m thankful

Your next paycheck will include a complimentary piece of coal

Do you feel it?

There’s a snap in the air. The temperature’s getting crisper. Wal-Mart has put up the candy and instead rolled out stockings. People are starting to put on their coats and get a cup of hot chocolate when they go out to pick up the latest cd. Classic cartoon specials are airing on tv, and you know them by heart. Everywhere around you, you can see the colors of a blaze red and a highly verdant green.

These are all traditions that we associate with Christmas. We’ve known them by heart and we shall continue to do so for most of our mortal lives. Well, it’s time to add another tradition to that group-the “mall Santa is fired in October” should definitely fit right in.

Yes, to quote Queen, “another one bites the dust.” Michael Graham, longtime Santa of Tysons Corner Center in McLean, Virginia (even I remember visiting the guy when I was 7, and I’m the youngest member of the SG crew), has been fired with no notification. Possibly unjustly, as he has had a contract with the mall until 2012. In fact, the mall states that he has done nothing wrong. This brings to mind that there may be a possible breach of contract, given these facts. Will Graham be able to put his now useless Santa suits to use? Only time and sufficient drinking will be able to tell.

A bit of warning: those that read the linked article will be put through Christmas-pun Hell. It was rough for me, and I love puns.