But … we really hate child molesters

When you’re a controversial figure who can’t seem to get anything right in the media, it’s best to lay low until a real softball of an issue comes your way. You know, something you can’t possibly ruin … unless you’re Sarah Palin.

Half-term Gov. Palin made an appearance on her best friend-in-a-totally-non-creepy-way Greta Van Sustern’s Fox News show. While interviewed, she took the very tough stance of being against raping children. (That’s raping, not wrapping children, which is still legal if you punch a few air holes in the box.)

But, she didn’t leave it at that. Oh, no. Sarah had to prove she’s more disapproving of forcible sex with children than anyone. More than President Obama. More than Rep. Nancy Pelosi. Even more than George Soros.

“As for the perp and perps that allowed the sinfulness to go on as they had allowed in the past, you know, I say about this assistant coach Sandusky: Hang him from the highest tree. I’ll bring the rope.”

And, just like that, Sarah Palin forced the world to consider if she’s more annoying than forced pederasty is terrible.

In her defense, she used ‘irrelevant’ correctly

In yet another fluff interview in a politically-friendly venue, Sarah Palin told Christian Broadcasting Network personality David Brody that she wants to help the mainstream media because she’s worried it’s become irrelevant.

This is, of course, coming from the woman who couldn’t sell a movie to people who can’t read.

What’s that? Just mentioning Sarah Palin increased our site visits and promoted her next reality show? Well, don’t mind us while we eat our hats.

‘Different’ is a pretty sad euphemism

When it comes to this year’s Republican primary, it’s certainly been raining s@#t on Newt Gingrich. Earlier this month, his campaign staff resigned en masse, and two of his top fundraisers follow suit on Tuesday. His war chest is currently $1 million in the hole, and that doesn’t count money owed to Tiffany’s.

But, that can’t stop a man who once ground our government to a halt because the President didn’t have Newt’s decency to marry the girl who sucked his dick.

No, Newt said, “I’m different,” and further compared himself to Ronald Reagan, whose once lost 13 staffers on a bar bet.

In response, Sarah Palin said, “Oh yeah?” and has taken his plan one step further by resigning from her own campaign bus tour.

Pot, kettle, color of nubian descent

Margaret Thatcher was never the most well-liked person in England. V For Vendetta was created as a response to her being in charge, and her conservative form of government was even given a name, Thatcherism, which in turn has been analogized to fascism (usually of the jack-booted thug type). The woman’s had an assassination attempt made against when no one cared about women enough to try to have them killed. More often than not, British contemporary stories about dystopic futures tend to originate thanks to her rule. She’s got quite a reputation.

So when she calls a person “a nut bag” and then gives out a snub, hoo boy, that says something. Especially when said person is Sarah Palin. It’s time for a Republican jihad against their own kind!

Interesting choice of battle there

The Republican Party’s had a rough couple of weeks. They lost the fight over health care reform. They had some trouble outright condemning death threats and failing to distance themselves from racist lunatics. The Pentagon’s trying to make the military more gay-friendly. The President even co-opted their idea to expand oil exploration off the mid-Atlantic coast.

Through all of that, the faithful have remained …

… that is, until LesboStripperGate 2010!

After it was revealed that the Republican National Committee funded a $2000 field trip to see How Lesbians Work, family values “expert” Tony Perkins, Sarah Palin and others have announced that they are boycotting the RNC and encourage others to do the same.

Really? Strippers are the line? They do realize that there is no–none–sex in the champagne room, right?

All the same, we’d like to officially welcome the GOP to the third party ghetto now.

You Missed It: Wooooooooooooo! edition

It’s the end of the week for most of you reading this. Because for you, it is Friday. However, for me it is only Thursday. No, I’m not in some sort of time warp, I actually have to work tomorrow, which in your universe is Saturday. I will be missing a basketball game, a pub crawl and a parade–all in the same day. Yes, I am bitter. If you were busy heading for higher ground, odds are you missed it.

You mean spring break can be dangerous?
Remember those wild spring breaks in college? Probably not, because most people stay home. However, more students could be staying above the border this year, after the Texas Department of Public Safety warned college students not to visit Mexican border towns where rival drug cartels are waging war. This makes sense, because spring break is all about listening to authority and making good life choices.

Planet Alaska
Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is shopping around a reality TV show. The show would be about Palin’s home state and likely have the style of Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth. Sources say the show’s first episode would have everyone curious, but as more is learned, interest turns to either loving or hating it, and then the show will quit halfway through the season.

He was tall, puffy and had a homeless guy beard
Ben Roethlisberger. There’s a name you didn’t expect to hear in March, but just the same, here it comes. The star quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in Georgia early Friday morning. This is the second time he’s had to deal with such allegations. In the interest of neutrality and presuming innocent until proven guilty, I’d like to say I wish Rapistberger the best of luck shaking this latest blitz.

You Missed It: Brief sighting edition

Reader, we’ve been together for quite some time now. We’ve had this relationship through You Missed It for nearly two years, and well, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate it. I bought you some flowers and a card to show how I feel. If you were busy saying that Jesus was gay, odds are you missed it.

Tiger spotted in the wild
Tiger Woods is sorry, America. He’s been doing a lot of thinking since the whole crazy, mixed-up Thanksgiving crash/golf club-related window removal incident. He told us so during a press conference this morning. Veronica Siwik Daniels, the adult film star mistress, brought her lawyer out for statement after Tiger’s, saying she needed an apology for all Tiger had done to her, including breaking her heart. Because when you’re a porn star and one of dozens of women sleeping with a married man and father of two, yes, you are the one who deserves an apology.

Reverse Palinization
Sarah Palin (yes, her again) and family spoke out against Family Guy for an episode this week featuring a character with Down syndrome claimed her mother was a former Alaska governor. As we all know, Palin is the one who decides who can and can’t say “retard.” (Hint: Rush Limbaugh = A-OK. Rahm Emanuel = No way, Jose.) The only problem was that the voice of the character, Andrea Fay Friedman, herself has Down syndrome, and said Palin clearly doesn’t understand the word “sarcasm.” Zing!

‘Wipeout’ no longer just a summer show
The 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics are underway, so far: one dead luger, several MedEvac’ed skiers, figure skating live every damn night, and a week’s worth of NBC’s botched coverage of the games. I don’t know, I just feel so freaking excited about this Olympiad. I think it’s going to be the best games we’ve ever seen!

Who keeps buying these books?

We didn’t read the Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama or Going Rogue by Sarah Palin. You know why? Because they just reached the point where their lives have received notice, deserved or otherwise.

Sure, autobiographies have to be written within a person’s lifetime, so there’s obviously some time for an update, but:

  1. Who cares how you got into the career you enjoy, especially politics?
  2. Can’t it wait until you’ve accomplished something other than win (or lose, in Palin’s case) an election? Or are these the new Nobel Peace Prizes?

Proving that no politician who makes the news is above this trend, nor are the idiots that eat these books up, newly-elected U.S. Senator Scott Brown (R-Mass.) has started shopping his life story out to publishers.

Palin goes full retard, drags rest of U.S. with her

Sarah Palin kicked off a new Profile in Sadness this week by being offended by Rahm Emmanuel’s use of the word “retarded” to describe a retarded idea in a strategy session meeting.

Though Palin was not in attendance, she is demanding that the White House fire the White House Chief of Staff, claiming that it was just like Emmanuel called her son, Trig, the “N-word.” (Why do white people always pull out the n-word like it’s their go-to?) The Guys would bet dollars to donuts that she thought the staffers’ plan actually had something to do with her spawn.

But, she’s not the only one to behave like a retard in this situation: Emmanuel called Tim Shriver, CEO of the Special Olympics, to apologize. Tim Shriver doesn’t even have a mental handicap. That’s like apologizing to a car wash after you keyed someone’s pickup.

Of course, the Special Olympics is using the opportunity to “Spread the Word to End the Word.” And by “the word,” they mean “retarded”: a word they haven’t used in years to describe their participants, nor do the rest of us. We do use it, however, to refer to people that accidentally blow their nuts off or think Africa is a country.

Look, folks. Nobody cares if we use the words “stupid,” “idiot,” “moron,” “dumb” or “imbecile,” and they all have the same origin as “retarded.” Acting retarded will not make people with mental disabilities feel like they’re in good company because they’re not retarded.

At the end of the day, do we really want to live in a world where we can’t call Democrats “f#%king retarded” for proposing to launch an ad campaign against their own congresspeople in an election year?