Demonic possession is grounds for divorce in Italy

Zuuly, you nut!

Here in America, they hand out divorces like free samples companies used to give out before they had budget cuts. But it’s not nearly that easy to end your marriage in Italy. In some cases, it takes an act of Satan.

An Italian court has granted a man a divorce from his wife because she is possessed by the devil. He claimed that since 2007, the woman has been displaying unusual behavior, which include an incident where she threw a church pew wind a single hand, and eyewitness account of her levitating. A priest, a monk and even her own sister attested to the woman’s strange behavior, and if people like that will testify against you, you’ve got to be a huge bitch.

Reportedly, exorcisms haven’t worked, and doctors can’t find a medical explanation for the woman’s behavior.

This guy has been living that “There is no Dana, only Zuul” scene from Ghostbusters for 10 years — without 300 ccs of thorazine. He should be up for sainthood.

Devil may care: Satanists quarrel in Detroit

In case you haven’t heard, it’s not the best time to be in Detroit. Tax revenue is gone, jobs are scarce, crime is up, fires are up, drugs are up (probably). It’s like all hell has broken loose. Now it finally has.

A Satanist group is moving into the Detroit metro area (widely scene as a hellhole), and they are seeing some protests. What’s surprising is that those protests are coming from Satanists that already live there. The original Satanist group is spitting hellfire at the newcomers because they don’t really worship Satan, which is kind of the point of Satanism. Rather, these upstarts are atheists and use logic and reason. But “Reasonism” just doesn’t sound as likely to make your parents ashamed.

It’s comforting to see that Satanism is just like any other religion: given enough time, people will start to fight amongst themselves about who worships correctly. Only in this case, being called a heathen isn’t really an insult.

Hell claims Va. town as fortunetelling ban falls

The ban kept Chris Berman away for decades.
The ban kept Chris Berman away for decades.

Whores of Satan, rejoice: the Town Council of Front Royal, Virginia has made a deal with the devil! Fortunetelling will be allowed within the town. Let the trumpets of Lucifer ring out!

In a 4-2 decision, the town council decided to strike down a ban on fortunetelling, “gypsies” and “magic arts,” whatever those are. Demons were heard shrieking with delight, as they set about plans of spreading Satanism and introducing criminal elements that are so often associated with things like tarot cards.

Concerned citizens said they worried that without the ban, children would be put in danger of temptations of evil. The Lord of Darkness himself was unable for comment.

Another win for intelligence! We did it!

The big meanies up in Utah decided to create a little thing called HB 353. What is HB 353, other than the worst nightmares of Satan, Hitler and John Lennon all rolled up into one? It’s a video game and movie bill brought about originally by Jack Thompson, in which stiffer fines to video game retailers and movie theaters that gave minors access to games or movies rated above their age level would be added. Also, it’s a giant leap in logic that doesn’t actually look for true accountability (i.e., most parents). So what’s the big hub-bub?

It breezed through the Utah House and Senate by wide margins and it was expected that Governor Jon Huntsman of Utah would back it as well. Not so.

“While protecting children from inappropriate materials is a laudable goal, the language of this bill is so broad that it likely will be struck down by the courts as an unconstitutional violation of the Dormant Commerce Clause and/or the First Amendment,” explained Huntsman. “The industries most affected by this new requirement indicated that rather than risk being held liable under this bill, they would likely choose to no longer issue age appropriate labels on goods and services.

“Therefore, the unintended consequence of the bill would be that parents and children would have no labels to guide them in determining the age appropriateness of the goods or service, thereby increasing children’s potential exposure to something they or their parents would have otherwise determined was inappropriate under the voluntary labeling system now being recognized and embraced by a significant majority of vendors.”

It’s a well known fact that I’m a bit of a major spelling and grammar nazi. Nonetheless, I’ve never been more happy to see sloppy writing. Well, that and some major lobbying by the video game industry. A big and hearty congratulations to everyone who helped knock the bill proposal down. You’ve earned it.