Schadenfreude: Go wild

Losing your shirt that you bought by getting drunk girls to do the same? Mm, Schadenfreude.
Losing your shirt that you bought by getting drunk girls to do the same? Thank you, Schadenfreude.

When sleazes like Joe Francis are able to exploit inebriated college girls into a multimillion-dollar empire, you’re bound to wonder why you bother following any rules at all. Why even bother showing up to work when Joe’s up there right now, banging your daughter on his private jet?

Well, the Office Morale Team is here, and we’ve brought you a whole case of 5-hour Schadenfreude drinks*: Francis’ company that produces Girls Gone Wild filed for bankruptcy, and it was mostly due to his own douchetacular f–ckuppery. The company has been forced to pay $10.3 million dollars to cover his slander of and gambling debts to casino mogul Steve Wynn.

So, even after the U.S. government failed to Al Capone him in 2007 for tax evasion, it was the gambling industry that finally dispensed our mob justice.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

*Warning! Consuming more than one 5-hour Schadenfreude drinks within a five hour timeframe can result in dizziness, nausea and diarrhea that you’re convinced does not stink.

Schadenfreude: ‘She was asking for it’

There are many fine coffees in the world, many found in France, Switzerland and other countries with no extradition laws. The rest of us must settle for Dunkin’ Donuts.

Or, there’s also the ultimate pick-me-up: Schadenfreude.

Roman Polanski, who gets to enjoy those special international blends, recently spoke to the press about his unfinished sentence for drugging and having “unlawful intercourse” with a 13-year-old girl.

Polanski complained about the Los Angeles prosecutors’ who are using the case for publicity. (We’d use their names, but none of the news stories identified them.)

The Academy Award-winning director begged “only to be treated fairly like everyone else.” To which L.A. prosecutors replied, “We’re trying to.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: The taste you know

In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.

There, that should be enough Schadenfreude to get you to five o’clock. It’s the taste you know you love, especially after pouring it in Jesse James’ rehabed lap.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Republican celebs embrace third-party ghetto

She might be the best thing to ever happen to abortion.You know the media and losing party are still suffering from post-election depression when they make a big deal out of a congressional election in New York. The Guys are normally better than this, too, but the stupid is too strong to ignore.

Sarah Palin–like you didn’t see that coming–and Rick Santorum have announced their endorsements for the 23rd District Representative race. They’re not for the Republican candidate for 23rd District Representative, Dede Scozzafava, but for the Conservative Party candidate, Doug Hoffman.

So, this is where the leaders of the Republican Party are at: endorsing third-party candidates when their front-runner is pro-choice. You know, the same mentality that cost every Democratic nominee their election when hippies couldn’t compromise on environmental issues, socialism and whatever a Dennis Kucinich does.

So, thanks for the laughs and the coffee–an afternoon rush of Schadenfreude Espresso.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it your daily shameful joy.

Shadenfreude: Light at the end of the tunnel

It always seems darkest before the dawn. Reality television has struck new lows this year:

  • Clowncar vagina moms
  • Crossovers between the worst shows by the worst “celebrity” couple since Hitler and Eva’s home movies at the Eagle’s Nest
  • MILFhunting

It’s enough to make you kill yourself in a tragic masturbation accident, just because waking up is hard to do. Well, put that silk curtain cord down and fire up your room’s Mr. Coffee, because Schadenfreude will make everything right again.

Unless you're making a cup for someone you don't particularly like.A French court has ruled that reality TV performers are owed salaries, overtime compensation, holidays and even damages for wrongful termination when eliminated or voted off of their shows.

This means that reality “stars” are now as expensive as professional actors, and the returns for reality shows will be on par with creative, scripted television.

So, sure, we’re eliminating some Schadenfreude opportunities of sub-human attention whores climbing greased ropes to stay on an island with no food … but that’s what the DMV is for.

And also, mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: Too metal for Sony, too metal for the law

By now, you’re probably sitting down and looking at this page near your lunch time. Still, who doesn’t like a nice cup of coffee at lunch? Especially when it’s the Schadenfreude blend.

Robert Snively of Port Clinton, Ohio, should be having a moment of clarity right now, because the man is headed for town court over Guitar Hero. Heh.

Snively, 33, was jamming away on the game late at night this past weekend, pissing off his neighbors.

For the last time.

They got the boys in blue on him, who proceeded to show up and promptly write him a ticket. Since he’s a repeat offender for this sort of thing, that means he’s off to court in April.

Let’s face it people: this is sad. Now, I’ve been known to have people who lived below me in college ask to turn whatever I’m dealing with down. I’ve also had to do the same thing for people who have lived below me. But when you’re 33? And you’re a repeat offender? That’s just pathetic. And hilarious.

Mm, Schadenfreude. Taste that? That’s called being better than other people, having more common sense than most and reveling in the misery of others.

Schadenfreude: Like a bottle rocket in your cornhole

At this point, unless you’re in California, it’s the afternoon, and — if you’re reading this — you’re at work instead of celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in full frat-boy revelry.

It’s times like this that you begin to wonder, “Why didn’t I videotape the stupid stuff I did in college, make millions and not work here?” (Especially if you still have trouble sitting down in your rolly-chair.) “I could be a lazy damn jackass like Steve-O right now.”

Like who? Oh, you mean the guy who injured his back rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars, the most ironically-named show for Hollywood has-beens on television?

That’s right. Not only was Steve-O trying to revive his nutwrenching career with the over-30 couch potato demographic, but he injured his back doing it and might be cut from the show. At least he can console himself with his huge tattoo … of himself.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s afternoon’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: International blend

Good morning! And what a morning it is: the dawning of yet another wonderful day!

Just think of the day you have ahead of you: showering, sitting in traffic, going to work, eating a lousy lunch with people you hate, sitting in more traffic, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen — all while trying not to beat your children! Goodness, but these are blessed times, aren’t they?

No, they aren’t. When your only relaxation is going to a gym to work out, you really hate the people that make it look so easy. People like, oh, Martha Stewart …

Well, guess who’s persona non gratis in the United Kingdom? Yep, Martha’s life was easy when she was given insider trading tips, but now she’s not allowed to visit investors and business partners in Merry Olde England.

And that, we think, is a good thing.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: Sometimes it does taste like justice

Alright, it’s Friday. You think you don’t need a strong pick-me-up to start your favorite weekday. But is it 5 o’clock yet?

Yeah, didn’t think so. You still have to finish up the week’s drudgery while the kids off from school are already “warming up” the pool. (Don’t open your eyes underwater.) And you still need to fudge your time card before you sit in traffic with all of the other TGI-mother-Fers.

What you need is a steamy cup of all-natural Schadenfreude.

Jack Thompson, who you should be familiar with if you’ve ever read this blog or listened to a parent about video games, is in danger of being “found guilty on 27 of 31 counts of misconduct” by the Florida Supreme Court.

That’s right: Mr. Listen-to-me-because-I’m-a-lawyer may be demoted to crazy-angry-guy-on-talk-shows. He won’t be able to legally exploit the families of slain police officers because he can’t figure out the squares and circles on a Playstation controller.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Schadenfreude: Feel better about your broken dreams

It’s Monday!  Yay!  What better way is there to follow-up a lazy weekend than to go to your dream job and embark on another week of meaningful employment?

What’s that?  You hate your job?  You didn’t want to be an analyst, but a rock star?  Well, things didn’t work out for you, unlike American Idol winners.  Don’t you hate how they don’t even need a band, much less a garage and lousy drummer, to become famous?

You know what will make it better?  Starting your week with a savory cup of Schadenfreude.

Her successor hasn’t even been named yet, but Jordin Sparks may never sing again, thanks to “an accute vocal chord hemmorage.”  Jordans around the world are rejoicing, as is the alcoholic/caffeinated beverage that unwittingly shares her last name.

Mm, Schadenfreude: it may be shameful, but it’s still joy.