Tag: school

The animals aren’t taking the winter off

Animal apologists will tell you that male deer, or bucks, do some crazy things when it’s mating season. Then they wink and give you the “Am I right?” look. They trot this out every time a deer breaks into a building and harasses its occupants. But when this happens at a school, it’s not funny anymore.

Just outside Cincinnati, a teacher and three students were inside a classroom at Kings Junior High School, when suddenly a buck crashed through the window, nearly hitting the teacher. The quick-thinking occupants made it out of the room and closed the door behind them. That’s when they called on the history teacher, who just so happens to be a deer farmer (we need to farm these things?) and has a tranquilizer gun.

Folks, this is exactly why every teacher needs to be armed with a tranq gun at all times.

No good breakfast goes unpunished

Alas, another lawless three months of summer have gone and went. School is almost back in session, which means it’s time to remind parents to start raising their kids again.

As your teenagers will need to wake up before the crack of 2 p.m., researchers suggest feeding them a breakfast mixture of protein and fiber–otherwise known as the classic “One-Two Combo” on blenders and toilets. This should energize your future voter and keep them full until lunch.

The link contains recipes, but might we suggest The Guys’ recommend breakfast?

  • Coffee with Bailey’s (caffeine and dairy)
  • Bacon (protein)
  • A cigarette and a newspaper (fiber)

It’s proven to boost standardized test scores by making standardized tests bearable.

My grenade says you WILL give me more recess time

Remember show and tell? It was so much fun! Every week (or whatever calendar interval you were given), you got to bring in whatever you wanted to brag about-it could be a new toy, an awesome book, your emergency spleendectomy souvenirs, anything. Why, in the third grade, I brought in my pet turtle. Boy oh boy, was my class surprised when my pet turtle was actually my newborn brother (this is not an exaggerated story).

But this kid here? This kid wins it all. The Scottish lad (or lassie) brought in a fragmentation grenade. We’re talking World War 1 era potato masher style.

There’s been no word on injuries or anything like that, but man, Chuck Fenderman is going to have one heckuva time trying to top that next week.

Beware of Australo-fascists!

Something nefarious is happening in Australian schools.

Last week, Kalgoorlie-Boulder Community High School students were assigned a project–a terror project to be exact. The assignment was to plan a chemical and/or biological attack designed to inflict the most civilian deaths possible.

We took that news with a grain of salt because, if there’s one way to make sure teenagers don’t do something, it’s to assign it as schoolwork. (This is why we still haven’t read The Red Badge of Courage.)

But now–NOW–a Catholic school in Perth gave its top costume award to a nine- or ten-year-old boy dressed as Hitler!

We’re not saying it’s time to distrust all Australians in your midst as potential terror Nazis, just any that seem particularly interested in Hitler, terrorism, scapegoating and your television.

Stop thinking about the children

It’s over. It’s all over.

All the illusions of “school life” that have been built up in the fragile psyche of those that love Japan have now been shattered, as the traditions and strictures of school no longer match those of Japan’s reality.

Accordingly, an increasing number of public and private middle schools have begun switching their school terms to a semestral system instead of the traditional trimestral system. For students, that means ten to fifteen more school hours in a term, and teachers are more free to deal with their classes rather than prepare report cards. That’s a lot of school.

It’s over.

Now, I was lucky enough to graduate from my podunk little high school (“What high school did you go to?” “Culpeper.” “Where’s that?” “Culpeper.”) before they began the switch to block scheduling. As such, all I know of is the period system, and as such, I know not of these new-fangled academic systems that schools these days use. But this system? It just sounds rough.

I never did trust the LEGO maniac

Any you know what? Neither should you. After all, any interaction with LEGO products is a deadly experience that will get you and everyone around you killed.

Mock shooting is apparently a very big issue in America. Plastic guns, while ridden with the inability to actually fire any projectiles, are clearly one of the biggest banes of our society. The only reasonable solution is to eventually remove our hands.

The moral of the story? Never bring an ax to a gunfight.

Can’t escape the long arm of the law

You know what’s a great animal to have at a petting zoo? An alligator. It’s an even better idea to have the gator around children.

A Florida wildlife officer brought in a gator to show off at his daughter’s school for show and tell. Then the gator got away. Whoops. Luckily, officials now think they have caught the bastard, who was probably waiting in a nearby pond to eat an unsuspecting student.

By the way, who knew gators could jump?

Oso close to school

In other bear related news, a bear found near a Florida school caused a lockdown this week. It’s bad enough you have to worry about the enemy coming for you, now they’re after your kids.

The bear did not make any demands during an afternoon standoff with police, but it seemed that the bear had been surveilling the school for quite some time from a dumpster nearby. Unfortunately, the bear was not harmed and managed to get away unscathed, free to stalk other school children.

Kids these days, with their rock music and their kilts …

Men don’t wear skirts. It’s just not something that is done. Sure it may make more sense ergonomically than constricting pants, but it’s just something that we men don’t do.

Now, on the other hand, it is extremely manly to wear a kilt, particularly if you are Scottish. But in Utah, they don’t take kindly to your cross dressin’ sinful behavior. It was a lesson one student learned recently, when his principal made him change his clothes after showing up to school in such a man skirt.

The principal has since been forced to apologize, because kilts are not offensive or inappropriate, they just cost a couple hundred dollars for one. They won’t throw in the codpieces, either.

Japan already handing their nation to robots

It’s a well known and scientific fact that Japan has some of the worst teachers ever. Obviously bothered by seeing this documented in many real-life fictional accounts documentaries on film, Japanese teachers are sick and tired of dealing with their students, instead wishing to deal with the sharp-end of a knife instead. So, in order to combat this, Japan is putting Saya the robot into the classroom. You know, the same country with the rent-a-cop robot.

Saya has been used previously as a receptionist at an Israeli University, and — now that she’s moved up in life from there — she’s prepared to take on the classroom. The robot’s skill sets include “[being] multilingual, [organizing] set tasks for pupils, [calling] the roll and [getting] angry when the kids misbehave.” Thank god and the First Robotic Law that it can only get angry; it certainly can’t do anything about the students misbehaving.

Japan’s plan is to have a robot in every home by 2015. But certainly not more people. Nope. That’s out of the question. No coitus for the otakus. But now, not only will we have robots in every home, but we’ll have them in every school! This is fairly questionable, given that the AI has the intelligence of a two-year-old. More use for it will be created by the students that’ll learn how to manipulate it and turn it into Skynet a killing machine.

There’s only one thing to do: we have to fight these robots and put them down for good. Now, come with us if you want to live.