Fish attack California elementary school

It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.

In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.

Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.

Apparently teachers aren’t allowed to drink in class

Teaching is hard work. Just ask any teacher, they will be happy to tell you about how underappreciated they are, and why they should be making more money. These people really enjoy their lives. And it’s because teaching is so hard that they should be able to drink on the job. But we don’t live in a just world.

In South Carolina, a substitute teacher was arrested for drinking in front of high school students in class. According to authorities, the woman had a box of wine in her purse, which is saying something about the size of her purse.

Now, the spoilsports will point to the fact that the substitute teacher drank so much that she was throwing up, and had to be removed from class in a wheelchair because she was unable to walk, but we would argue otherwise. What better way to keep the youth of America from drinking than by getting wasted in front of them and puking in class. If teachers aren’t cool, then everything they do isn’t cool, including getting blitzed.

Police shut down dead-animals-through-the-mail service

When angling for a new job, persistence is usually a good thing. Employers like seeing your enthusiasm for the position. At the very least, they will hire you just so you stop harassing them. But there is a line.

For example, if an employer has passed on you, it’s best not to harass the person who won. An Indiana man who sought a job as fourth grade teacher and basketball coach was distraught that he didn’t get the gig, and just to show there were no hard feelings, he started sending the guy who was hired some dead animals in the mail, according to police. Authorities say he began harassing the man and his wife through the mail, sending four skunks and a raccoon in all.

Surprisingly, the school board has not reconsidered hiring this guy.

You Missed It: Worth it edition

R.I.P., Ron.
R.I.P., Ron.

I’m not really a big Halloween guy. It’s not because I’m in my 30s and its a little weird for people my age to dress up in costumes. I’ve been this way at least since high school. When I was a kid, Halloween was great. I got to wear a costume of my choosing, I got tons of candy, and there were pumpkins to carve. Now it just seems like a hassle. Finding a costume is the problem. Either you make one yourself by shopping around, or you pay a ton for a crappy pre-made thing. I always look forward to the day after Halloween so I can read about all the people who wore clearly inappropriate costumes. If you were busy claiming you had sex with Prince this week, odds are you missed it.

WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report this week linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report release found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.

Racing Johnny Carson would be better
It was announced this week that Universal Studios Orlando will open a ride featuring Jimmy Fallon in 2017. The move is seen as corporate synergy at its best. The ride is supposed to be a race with the Tonight Show host through the streets of New York, but probably with less profanity than the real thing. Like the show, all the “spontaneous” moments will have been choreographed, and no one will think Fallon is funnier than he will. Just try not to fall down and hurt yourself, Jimmy.

Wrestling moves in our schools
This week, a school resource officer in South Carolina was caught on video throwing a teenage student out of her chair when she refused to leave a classroom. And a video at a school in California showed a large student fight, during which the principal is body slammed. Man, Michelle Obama’s Let Move campaign is really connecting with kids.

Pirate unfairly seen as a threat at school

People are discriminated against every day simply because they dress like a pirate. Last week was not an isolated incident.

On Talk Like a Pirate Day, a North Carolina elementary school staff member dressed as a pirate, probably because he’s a method actor. It wasn’t long before police were called because of a “suspicious person,” and the school was put on lock down. Someone saw the staff member as a threat simply because he chose to dress like a pirate.

The struggle is real.

You Missed It: In-flight entertainment edition

"Hey everybody, I'm Jay Mohr. What is it with airline food? Am I right?"
“Hi, I’m Jay Mohr. What is it with airline food? Am I right?”

August is still summer, damn it. And I’ll challenge anyone who says otherwise. When I was a kid, I hated the fact that classes started up in late August. In college, they started a week or two earlier. So for me, summer was effectively over. Now that I’m an adult and don’t have to worry about such silly things, I still have people telling me summer is over. One such person is Samuel Adams. His Octoberfest season beer hit shelves in late July. As far as I’m concerned, that’s prime summer beer time. There’s also talk that the summer movie season is drawing to a close this weekend. That might seem reasonable, seeing as how it how starts in April. In the Northern Hemisphere, summer goes from June 21 to September 21. If you announced your possible retirement from music this week, odds are you missed it.

‘Thank you, thank you. Be sure to tip your flight attendant’
If you hate flying and just wish you could get some peace a quiet during your flights, be glad you don’t live in England. Virgin Atlantic announced this week that it will be offering stand-up comedy acts on some of its flights within the U.K. There will even be live music acts on certain flights. And you know how everyone agrees on music. Virgin founder Richard Branson said that he just wanted a way for sky marshals to blow off some steam.

Has anyone thought to blame ‘Shark Week’?
Scores of dead dolphins have been washing ashore on the East Coast this summer, especially over the past two weeks. It’s happening at seven times the normal rate, according to some counts. Scientists say no cause has been found yet, but it’s likely something related to water quality. This is why you shouldn’t pee in the ocean.

The Roots were there for entrance music
Back in late July, Jimmy Fallon and his wife welcomed their new daughter, Winnie Rose. This week, the new dad announced that they had had the child through a surrogate, after having difficulty conceiving. Fallon said that he had been concerned that if it was his wife having the baby, he’d start cracking up in the middle of one of her contractions.

The McBournie Minute: I’m still as cool as I was in college, right?

It’s been the better part of a decade since I graduated college. I’d like to think that there is still a lot of the same kid who was spat out of school with a degree and debt. After all, a lot of the people I’m closest to I’ve known since college. I’d like to think that I still have the equal parts passion for what I do and the apathy for taking orders. But this past weekend I realized I’m way off.

I went this past weekend to Ohio University for my fiance’s sister’s graduation. It was probably the first time I’ve spent on any college campus that wasn’t my alma mater. Further, none of my college friends were there, so rather than try to re-live the glory days, I had a chance to see what college is like now. I wasn’t around long enough to get anything near the full picture, but I got a glimpse.

College today would kick my ass.
Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I’m still as cool as I was in college, right?

The animals aren’t taking the winter off

Animal apologists will tell you that male deer, or bucks, do some crazy things when it’s mating season. Then they wink and give you the “Am I right?” look. They trot this out every time a deer breaks into a building and harasses its occupants. But when this happens at a school, it’s not funny anymore.

Just outside Cincinnati, a teacher and three students were inside a classroom at Kings Junior High School, when suddenly a buck crashed through the window, nearly hitting the teacher. The quick-thinking occupants made it out of the room and closed the door behind them. That’s when they called on the history teacher, who just so happens to be a deer farmer (we need to farm these things?) and has a tranquilizer gun.

Folks, this is exactly why every teacher needs to be armed with a tranq gun at all times.

No good breakfast goes unpunished

Alas, another lawless three months of summer have gone and went. School is almost back in session, which means it’s time to remind parents to start raising their kids again.

As your teenagers will need to wake up before the crack of 2 p.m., researchers suggest feeding them a breakfast mixture of protein and fiber–otherwise known as the classic “One-Two Combo” on blenders and toilets. This should energize your future voter and keep them full until lunch.

The link contains recipes, but might we suggest The Guys’ recommend breakfast?

  • Coffee with Bailey’s (caffeine and dairy)
  • Bacon (protein)
  • A cigarette and a newspaper (fiber)

It’s proven to boost standardized test scores by making standardized tests bearable.

My grenade says you WILL give me more recess time

Remember show and tell? It was so much fun! Every week (or whatever calendar interval you were given), you got to bring in whatever you wanted to brag about-it could be a new toy, an awesome book, your emergency spleendectomy souvenirs, anything. Why, in the third grade, I brought in my pet turtle. Boy oh boy, was my class surprised when my pet turtle was actually my newborn brother (this is not an exaggerated story).

But this kid here? This kid wins it all. The Scottish lad (or lassie) brought in a fragmentation grenade. We’re talking World War 1 era potato masher style.

There’s been no word on injuries or anything like that, but man, Chuck Fenderman is going to have one heckuva time trying to top that next week.