Tag: school

Moonspeak ZOMG!!!11 TXT U L8R?

Fire off that last mail message real quick, Japanese students. You won’t be able to do that at school anymore.

It seems that Japan’s Ministry of Education, Culture, Sports, Science and Technology doesn’t want students to have their phones at school anymore. They will hand their decision down to schools and school boards as early as this month. Cell phone heads, it looks grim for you.

Forget the kids at school. They can go talk to each other face to face — that’ll be good for them. What’s really important are the Japanese entertainment implications. This will change the face of a good deal of stereotypical life in Japan. How often does a phone call or message at school advance the plot of their stories in entertainment? What’s going to happen to the phone flirting? How else will the tentacle monsters surprise school girls?

What are they going to do now? Are they going to have to go back to the carrier pigeon? Don’t tell me we have to go back to that note-in-a-shoe-locker thing again.

Solution solved. Now for the homework!

Problems in Richmond aren’t just found in Virginia–sometimes they’re found in other Richmonds. A Richmond County school in Georgia has finally figured out a solution to the problem of teachers having sex with students—they’ve started having sex with each other. Which they can, since they are consenting adults, after all.

On school grounds.

While class is in session.

Oh. Well. Hmmmm ….

See, problem solved! Or, you know, maybe not. And people, like me, say that math is hard.

Settle down, class!

After finally getting the majority of students medicated into docility, educators are facing a new Madison Avenue-created education-deterrent: energy drinks.

In response to children being awake, enthusiastic and eager for discussion, schools are banning the drinks outright. There has been little fight against the bans, which is fortunate because no prevention tactics have been adopted. (That’s right, kids: you can still take shots of Red Bull before school.)

As opponents to education in general, The Guys fully support these meaures. The last thing we need is for kids to realize that their adult contemporaries can’t do anything without their morning coffee. That kind of knowledge will only lead to our eventual downfall.

Go to school, learn an illegal trade

After Friday’s highlights on the War on Animals, we switch focus to our other war, the War on Education.

Educators in Victorville, California have learned a hard lesson: when candy is criminalized, only criminals will have candy.

At the urging of Governor Arnold Schwartzenhophenhujablange … the Terminator, Hook Junior High School banned all candy sales to help cut down on childhood obesity.  Since then, a black market of students with Twinkies and Snickers bars has exploded.

Leave it to our educators to create a new generation of Al Capones.  If we needed more criminals, we could just send them to the movies or let them play video games all day.