Scientists create race of mutant ants, because you don’t have enough to worry about

If you read this blog, you probably know that that there are more insects than humans on this planet, and you rightly suspect that they want to overthrow us as rulers of the world. So why are we making new types of them?

This week, two different research teams openly admitted to genetically altering ants. They worked with jumping ants and clonal raider ants, which both sound terrifying on their own. They then altered the genes of the ants to affect how they interact with each other. So now we have a few new species of mutant ants that aren’t right in the head.

You fools, you’ve doomed us all!

Study: We’re not as manly as we used to be

The internet trolls are right, men today just aren’t as manly as they used to be. But it’s not how they think it is. Turns out we don’t have as many swimmers.

Between 1973 and 2011, men’s sperm counts have dropped by more than half, according to a new study. That means that you’re not as potent as hairy, mustachioed men of the early 70s. But it’s not something that’s happening to men worldwide, it’s only men in western countries that have fewer sperm. Researchers think it’s related to weight, lack of exercise and smoking.

That’s not fair. Men in the 70s used cocaine to stay thin, the only exercise was disco dancing and everyone smoked.

 

Science: Drink coffee daily for a long, jittery life

Coffee — it’s what we drink when trying to erase the mistakes of the night before. But new research has found that it could also be a life saver.

A pair of studies conducted by researchers around the world has found that a cup of coffee will basically keep you from dying early from anything. By “anything,” we have to assume they mean any illnesses, because there is no amount of coffee that will keep you from dying when you’re hit by a bus.

Scientists said that a cup a day for the rest of your life basically adds three months to the life of a man, and one month to a woman’s life. Having three cups a day increased the health benefits.

We’re hoping these findings don’t mean that people who drink candy bar lattes all year aren’t around any longer than they should be.

Two-headed flatworms grow on space station

Based on a true story.

Earlier this week we told you that astronauts could be making their own crumb-free bread on the International Space Station next year. But we just learned that something equally unnatural was growing up there recently.

According to a new report, some tiny flatworms were send to the ISS and spent nearly two years up there. When they were returned to Earth, scientists found that some of them had grown two heads, one at each end of their body. Researchers also noted that the space flatworms were acting somewhat differently than their kin who have only lived on Earth.

We don’t know what this means, but you can be sure that it’s not going to be good for mankind.

Bad dog edits scientific journals

You shouldn’t trust science — not because it doesn’t line up with your religion, politics or financial interests — but because the entire field has been corrupted by animals.

Don’t believe us? One Australian dog sits on the editorial board of seven different medical journals. To make matters worse, he’s a pit bull, a breed that takes its name from a Florida rapper who has been involved with some of the worst music in modern history. Ollie the dog goes by Dr. Olivia Doll in her written work.

The so-called media will have you believe that this was all a plot by Ollie’s owner, a public health researcher named Mike Daube, to show how some scientific journals don’t thoroughly vet (heh) their experts. But we know that this dog, which may be one of the smartest dogs ever to exist, has done this on her own, with the assistance of the human she keeps around, to misguide mankind.

It’s entirely reasonable to believe that she’s not the only infiltrator.

Children of divorce can blame skin, bowel issues on parents

If your parents are divorced, and you have health issues, congratulations, you can blame that on Mom and Dad, too!

According to researchers in Spain, children whose parents are divorced are more likely to have neurological, gastrointestinal or dermatological problems, or even problems with their genitals. Researchers believe that the ailments are all related to stress, which is linked to the splitting up of the parents.

Stay together for the zits.

Study: Journalists’ brains don’t work good due to booze, caffeine

Journalists are all idiots, just ask your average Fox News viewer. In terms of popularity, journalists often poll lower than lawyers, but still ahead of members of Congress. Now, scientists believe they have figured out why reporters are so dumb.

According to a study, journalists’ brains are inhibited because they drink so much alcohol and caffeine. Neuroscientist Tara Swart found that their brains’ executive functioning skills were lower, which was attributed to dehydration (from alcohol), caffeine, and foods high in sugar. However, their brains were better able to spot patterns that weren’t immediately obvious.

Even the dumbest of journalists will point out that the study has not been peer-reviewed, and had a sample size of just 31. This drunken, jittery reporter is happy to donate his brain to science if there’s another round of tests.

All mammals take the same amount of time to poop

There are a lot of differences between humans and other mammals. For example, we’re smarter, we have souls, and we don’t create memes anthropomorphizing humans. But apparently we all take the same amount of time to poop.

According to researchers, pretty much all mammals take 12 seconds or so to empty their bowels. It doesn’t even really matter what size of an animal you’re comparing. A mouse might take 12 seconds to get its relatively small amount of feces out, and a whale would take just as long because it is able to expel higher volume of waste at a faster rate. Maybe we’re not so different after all.

And to the women thinking, “Then why does my husband spend an hour in the bathroom?” It’s because he’s trying to avoid a woman in life so controlling that she times how long he’s on the can.

Science: Drink with friends to lower your tolerance

We’ve heard for years the saying that you shouldn’t drink alone, but what if that actually had some scientific backing? Drunken crayfish are here to back it up.

Researchers at the University of Maryland have found that social crayfish get drunker faster than crayfish that drink on their own. They put some crayfish in their own tanks for 10 days to desocialize them, and kept a bunch of other crayfish in the same tank. They found that when pure alcohol was added into the tanks, the social ones acted drunker than the loner crayfish. The findings could mean that there is a link between social interaction and the effects of alcohol.

Or that social crayfish are just playing it up to impress their friends.

Scientist are working on cyborg turtles

Technically, this is a robot turtle, but you get it.

The main problem with animals is that we can’t control them. You can say you have your dog trained, but when the food supply runs out, who’s really the master? Cats do whatever they want, and every other animal you come into contact with does whatever it feels like doing at that time. Thanks to science, soon we will have remote-controlled turtles.

Researchers in South Korea are working on creating cyborg turtles. If everything goes according to plan, you could one day control the movements of a turtle using only your mind. These folks want to put a system onto a turtle’s shell that would send it signals on which way to navigate. The human controlling it would wear a headset that would read brainwaves, and send commands to the turtle-mounted system over wifi.

So basically, it’s Dino Riders, but in real life. The future is going to be awesome.