Today’s Internet weather report

The picture don't lie.Partly cloudy, with a high chance of a lot of Internet black holes. Unfortunately, the pipes and tubes will still somehow be clogged, but that might be able to be blamed more on the Internet Tube Pirates.

It would seem that the Internet is full of more than just porn and pictures of kittens. Scientists (say it with me: SCIENCE!), have created a program that searches for the little holes where your email just goes vanisheroonie. Why is this useful technology? One of the founding premises of the Internet was that it could route around holes, the idea being to make it less vulnerable to things like nuclear strikes. What this research shows is that even without nukes, there’s plenty of holes out there that the Internet already routes around. It’s amazing how anyone can connect anywhere, given how many gaps are out there, servers that just don’t pass on packets properly, etc.

Unfortunately, no one seems to have figured out if the Grid will keep the nuke-proof methodology either on or off it.

Most powerful laser created, can totally beat up your dad

Scientists have created a laser that is the brightest light in the universe. Thanks to the temperatures that it generates, exploding stars and giant planet cores are now open for exploration. Unfortunately, with great power comes great responsibility. Is this laser such a good idea? Let’s go the pro/con route.

Pros: For about a ten-trillionth of a second, it’s 100 times brighter than a gamma ray burst. What does this mean for you? For about a ten-trillionth of a second, you can become 100 times stronger than the Incredible Hulk. Human smash puny hulk!
Con: We are totally going to get aliens called to our planet with this laser. They will be annoyed. They will also probably have brighter lasers.

Con: If stolen, the laser will next show up at a WWE pay per view.
Pro: We may successfully be able to rid the world of the mullet haircut in one weekend.

Pro: Fratboys and 13 year-olds will finally be able to live out their dreams of having a real life Spartan laser.
Con: Fratboys and 13 year-olds will finally be able to live out their dreams of having a real life Spartan laser.

Frat boys, your time has been saved!

010001111Hottie0001111101101Scientists at Tel Aviv University claim that they have taught a computer how to recognize a pretty face. Think of all the time you guys can save not clicking on “Hot or Not” now that machines can do it for us! Success! Now we don’t have to carry the burden of moral judgment upon our shoulders.

Put down that water bottle!

According to two scientists from the Renal, Electrolyte and Hypertension Division at the University of Pennsylvania, there is absolutely no evidence that drinking eight glasses of water a day is good for your health.

But you know what has been proven to be good for you?  (Hint: read the “Filed Under” in this post’s header.)

That’s right: its booooooooooze!

Open wide, human

The machines are rising up against us. Make no mistake about that. We are growing more and more dependent on them to do our everyday work and help speed up the simpler things in life. The more dependent we get, the more complicated the machines’ tasks become.

Now, we are going to be taking it in the hind quarters, literally. Robots are now being developed to give us colonoscopies. Scientists, whom this blog has always suspected are evil, are working on these robots to make the rather uncomfortable procedure “safer.

Sorry, bub. It’s a bad enough thought to imagine a human being doing that to someone, but there’s no way The Guys are ever letting a machine get in there, we don’t care what ivy league school it went to.

Today in ancient animals

Scientists love looking at dead animals, the deader and older, the better. Some like it because they are morbid, godless homosexuals seeking to find their beloved Devil. Others like it because they get to learn things, like how animals were before we came along and killed them off.

One such fine example is in North Dakota, where an extremely rare fossil has been found: a mummified dinosaur. The mummy, which is oddly enough not wrapped in toilet paper, nor was it found in a temple, is a nearly complete example of a dinosaur and will give paleontologists (godless and warriors alike) the chance to see how these monstrous creatures really looked, with, you know, flesh on them.

However, this blog is still hesitant. The dinosaur is now as hard as rock or even metal. This cannot go well should the dino wake up.

In other news, have you ever wanted to have your very own mastodon? You can’t, of course. They are all dead thanks to a little genocide on the part of our ancestors. You can, however, own a mastodon skeleton if you go to the right garage sale. A hippie San Fransisco resident is selling a mastodon skeleton she has just lying around in her garage. You know how easy it is to acquire junk.

The best news of all is that you don’t have to live in the area to buy it, you just need to have $115,000 and the ability to place a bid on eBay. Happy hunting!

Saturn blows rings around theories, gives them to moon

It’s no secret that Saturn is one wacky and crazy planet. But not so much in the “funny European tourist guy” type of wacky and crazy, but more in the “I’m going to kill you at midnight, and by midnight, I mean right now” type of wacky and crazy. Of course, given its symbolism in East Asian astrology as an icon of death, that’s really not too much of a stretch. Nonetheless, Saturn just got wackier-again. Now it’s got an STD-metaphorically speaking.

After years (eons (millenniums ?) ?), Saturn’s second largest moon, Rhea, may now have gained rings. If confirmed by the Cassini spacecraft, it would the first time a ring system has been found around a moon.

Now, does this mean anything pertinent to our existence? Not really, unless Saturn decides to send Rhea toward us as a whirling dervish of death and destruction. Ultimately though, this just proves that the more we learn about our own solar system, the more we realize we don’t know crap. I know people will probably disagree with me, but I for one am glad that we live in a society that’s willing to devote a lot of time and money to projects that are purely for scientific discovery without any tangible payback other than knowledge … even if most of the time, there’s no payback at all.

The sea is teeming with lethal life

We’ve been covering the dangers of the ocean a lot lately, but there seems to be more happening this time of year in the warmer seas and the cold depths, where animals are designed to withstand such harsh climate.

On this front, we have some shocking news to report: killer jellyfish are real and they seem to be breeding like rabbits. Yes, these things are not only weird looking, they can also kill you with a single sting and they happen to be having something of a baby boom. They are no doubt massing for an all-out assault on our shores. Just remember this: they can’t hurt you on land.

However, animals are not the only ones making moves in the war at sea. Swedish scientists are planning to launch 60 fish in a rocket from Antarctica. It’s nice to see the Swedes finally join us in our fight, and making an entrance with marked creativity. Sure, the scientists say it’s an experiment to figure out motion sickness, but we know better. It’s called sending a message.