Time to make spears, everyone

We warned you about it over a year ago. It was announced yesterday that scientists have mapped the DNA of the woolly mammoth, better known as That Hairy Elephant We Killed Off a While Back.

This “groundbreaking” achievement was done under the guise of helping science learn what makes some species die off and some survive. Hey scientists, news flash, WE cause the extinction of animals, and we only save the ones that are cute and/or can’t be turned into clothing.

This blog knows better than to believe science–about anything. The real reason they wanted to map the DNA of the woolly mammoth is so that they can bring it back and set a herd of them up on an island in a theme park. (Say, someone should write a book about this.)

We don’t need any more animals to fight, especially ones we already defeated. Did the Romans clone Hannibal so they could sack Carthage again? NO!

Science: Bullies like being jerks

A new study published in the journal Biological Psychology presents evidence suggesting that bullies like inflicting pain and even watching others in pain.

To test this theory, they showed footage of pain to “unusually aggressive 16 to 18-year-old males” and a group of normal ones.

Obviously, they figured out which ones were super aggressive by putting all of them in a giant race, realizing the ones caring baseball bats were their experiment group.

The “normal” males’ pleasure brain nubs did not light up when showed footage of pain, while the aggressive ones furiously masturbated. When the bullies were angered because the slide show was done, the researches put them in a room with kittens to calm them down.

Surprisingly, no kittens were hurt, although one was photographed without permission and put into a YouTube video to the soundtrack of Schindler’s List.

How To: Avoid science

We lost one of the giants this week. Aside from President-elect Barack Obama’s grandmother, author Michael Crichton died this week. We all know who he is, so stop pretending. Crichton brought us books like “Jurassic Park,” “Sphere,” “The Andromeda Strain,” the television series ER and even movies like Twister, Congo, and That Forgettable One With Paul Walker in Medieval France–some of which were based on his books. (Check with Chugs for the movies he directed in the 1970s.)

Crichton was a modern day Mary Shelly, except a dude and nearly seven feet tall. He was like Shelly, in that he taught us that science is a really, really horrible thing. We should never trust it, we should always question it because one day it will get us all killed. Oh, and global warming is like eugenics. With that in mind, we bring you how to avoid science. Continue reading How To: Avoid science


Scientists, what do you think you’re doing? Don’t you realize what you’ve done?

Let’s backpeddle a second for all the readers catching us mid-scolding:

Scientists in Japan have successfully cloned mice after freezing the donor to death. To repeat: they’ve brought mice back from the dead. Kind of. Pretty much.

Without death, there’s no way to stop animals from eating the Earth that God fitfully gave to us, humans. In fact, now there’s plans to bring back species we wiped out, like wooly mammoths.

Look, science, you wanna see a hairy elephant? Talk to Lucasfilm. They’ll show you a furry pachyderm with adorable bandage-swathed subhumans riding them. How about that?

Just — for the love of all that is holy — stop bringing non-people back from the dead. It’s not cool.

(Heh, “not cool.” Frozen mice. Still not worth it, science.)

Drinking and Googling: The perfect combination

Good morning, time for a belt. First off, while we advocate the consumption of alcohol, especially on long flights, where it is needed to dull the pain of constant probing, we do not condone hijacking a plane while doing so. However, that may be a new drink name.

Moving along, we’ve got some bad news for you sots out there: your brain is smaller than your teetotaler friends (like you associate with those types). The bad news here is that a study found regular drinkers and even occasional partakers lost brain mass at a faster rate than those lame-os who have never touched the stuff.

But there is hope! Another new study hints that using the Internet regularly can keep your brain smarter for longer in your life. The theory is that it makes you do a whole bunch of complex thinking, so it keeps the brain active, which is apparently good.

This means it is also a great counter to the brain-shrinking effects of alcohol. And we already know that Google Mail will keep you from sending drunk e-mail messages, so now Web surfing drunk is safe and healthy. Hooray for science!

Science is beautiful, you are not

A new highly scientific study proves that men routinely try to sleep with women who are more attractive than they are and won’t let the fact that they are pathetic overweight schlubs stand in their way.

The best part?

All the “data”, all of the information, all of the conclusive evidence for this study was taken from Hot Or Not. No, really. This sounds like that time when I wrote a term paper on the conclusive evidence linking nuns and buckets of chum with the anthropic principle.

Sudden Inmate Death Syndrome

For some reason, people who are brought in are dying shortly after they are arrested. We know, it sounds like a total mystery to us as well.

However, scientists are now looking into similarities between the sudden death of young, healthy men around the world, who suddenly die for no reason when they are in custody, and that of animals who suddenly die when they are captured. Some believe it is a syndrome.

This blog is totally stumped as to what could cause this syndrome. However, it does exonerate police throughout the ages. Yes, no longer will cops have to bear the burden of guilt every time some kid of another race dies in one of their jail cells. Also, just because a suspect swallows an eight-ball right before his arrest doesn’t mean he died of an overdose.

Spooking the cat never became more fun

This is the Hollow Man. He's already ahead of you, science-nerds.Science’s slightly cooler cousin, technology, is at it again. This time, instead of creating jet-packs, invisibility suits are becoming closer and closer to fruition. Bending light never became more fun. While it’s obviously being looked at more for its military purposes, imagine the possibilities of personal use. Bending light never became more fun. As long as we can avoid the more horrifying possibilities (like, well, rape, murder and arson), we can then focus on the more useful purposes of an invisibility suit-such as scaring cats, small children and making shows like “Ghost Hunters” actually slightly correct.

One step closer to the American dream: invisible robot assassins to maintain global order. Yay!

May your liver live on

Imagine a world where you could drink all you want and do no harm to your body (better known as the dreamland of Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass.). Hangovers may never be fully extinct, but distillers are making their products purer and purer all the time. Long term effects (liver damage, wet brain, red face, accidental marriage, whiskey-related impotence) are still a threat.

That is until now. Scientists have successfully stopped the aging process in a mouse’s liver (they know this by counting the rings). Do you know what this means? If we all get mouse liver transplants, we will never have to worry about sclerosis! Perhaps scientists can learn to stop the aging process in other organs, too. That way our hearts would not suffer from pumping so much alcohol through it and our lungs would not suffer from inhaling all that musting, smoky bar air.

We could drink on forever!