When life gives you limes, save the world

You’re tired of 7Up, aren’t you? Not to mention, it’s getting to be late July and you’re already sick of Corona. What are you going to do with all of those limes? Perhaps it’s time you got working on reducing that carbon footprint of yours.

That’s right, the same thing Bud Light has been adding to their product to make it seem enjoyable can help you save the planet. Scientists say adding lime to ocean water may reduce carbon emissions, thereby letting Republicans the oil industry get back to making its money killing us all.

The scientists said they came up with the idea after several rounds passing around a bottle of Jose Cuervo on a recent bender.

“Dude, we should, like, totally add limes into the ocean. HAHAHAHAHA. And then, and then, no, no wait, listen you guys. SHHHHH! And then, all the acid would, like, eat away all the carbon when it rains, and–SHUT UP! And then it would make the world totally safer for everyone.”

(Via Gizmodo)

The McBournie Minute: Finish the space station already

With a space shuttle landing yesterday and the Discovery Channel’s three-part documentary about NASA, When We Left Earth, space has been in the news a lot lately. Of course, space is all about cooperation and brotherly love these days. But for the first 40 years of space flight there was more of an “eff you, we’re going to beat you there” mentality. Perhaps we need to go back to that, if for no other reason than to get things done.

I remember first hearing about the International Space Station when I was in fourth grade, this was 1993 One of my teachers put on the overhead projector a snapshot of how the ISS would look when it was completed. A couple years later, I remember stumbling across it in an encyclopedia, I was probably looking for the definition of “isthmus” or something. There again was a computer-generated model of the huge structure orbiting the Earth. The caption underneath it said it would be completed around the year 2000.

It’s 2008 and the damn thing still is not finished. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Finish the space station already

Rest assured: OSU grads are on the case

NBC’s Brian Williams, who took yet more time off from not reporting real news, delivered a commencement address to Ohio State University in Columbus graduates. He used his podium time to give college students a job: fixing the United States.

Williams claimed that “there is nothing wrong with America that someone from Ohio State can’t fix.” He then laid out the main areas of focus: “energy, politics, diplomacy, science, education, military, transportation,” and climate.

Williams set them loose with a “Go get ’em, OH!” (The graduates, in fact, remained seated until their hangovers cleared up.)  At this very moment, all of these problems will now be addressed by countless OSU graduates with degrees in Communications, Marketing and Literature.

“Well, it gives me something to do while I look for a real job over the next year,” said Artie Muskegee, a graduating OSU Music Therapy student.

Magic beats out science using science

The finger fairy is just like the toothy fairy, but with 50% more syphillis.Once upon a time, there was a gentleman who had unfortunately lopped off the bittiest bit of one of his fingers. Though this may seem but inconsequential to you and I, to Lee, this was horrid. Alas, how could he perform the most dire of functions, such as flipping off other people, scratching his nose or even getting that hard to reach booger in his nose? Indeed, his days were most dark. Lee spent many a-night, always praying and wishing that someday, somehow, his finger tip would come. As often as his days were dark, his wish would go unanswered…

And then, one night, Lee’s brother a magical little pixie sprinkled scrapings involving the cells from the lining of a pig’s bladder pixie dust over his finger tip. This continued for nine more evenings, and then suddenly, POOF, the finger appeared, right out of nowhere! Science could clearly not explain this, as it was nothing but magic! Huzzah!

So children, the moral of the story is this: every night, pray and wish upon that first star that you see every night, and all of your dreams can come true as well … as long as your wishes and prayers involve only asking for your middle finger tip to regrow.

(Story courtesy Adrienne S.)

We only need 49 states, anyway

We already have enough problems dealing with the animals we know about, yet for some reason, people are convinced that there are bigger, scarier animals out there that will be ready to eat us. Sometimes these people are driven warriors trying to root out threats, other times they are godless homosexuals.

An expedition that set out into the wilds of West Virginia (which is a vague term, the whole state is pretty much uncivilized and uninhabitable) to find evidence of Bigfoot. And what do you know, they found some! What are the odds of people under the guise of science going out to seek unlikely results, find some and draw an immediate conclusion?

They found some tracks and heard weird sounds at night. Folks, this is evidence enough for this blog. It’s time to hit these large-footed bastards where they live. Let’s nuke West Virginia!

Today’s Internet weather report

The picture don't lie.Partly cloudy, with a high chance of a lot of Internet black holes. Unfortunately, the pipes and tubes will still somehow be clogged, but that might be able to be blamed more on the Internet Tube Pirates.

It would seem that the Internet is full of more than just porn and pictures of kittens. Scientists (say it with me: SCIENCE!), have created a program that searches for the little holes where your email just goes vanisheroonie. Why is this useful technology? One of the founding premises of the Internet was that it could route around holes, the idea being to make it less vulnerable to things like nuclear strikes. What this research shows is that even without nukes, there’s plenty of holes out there that the Internet already routes around. It’s amazing how anyone can connect anywhere, given how many gaps are out there, servers that just don’t pass on packets properly, etc.

Unfortunately, no one seems to have figured out if the Grid will keep the nuke-proof methodology either on or off it.

Most powerful laser created, can totally beat up your dad

Scientists have created a laser that is the brightest light in the universe. Thanks to the temperatures that it generates, exploding stars and giant planet cores are now open for exploration. Unfortunately, with great power comes great responsibility. Is this laser such a good idea? Let’s go the pro/con route.

Pros: For about a ten-trillionth of a second, it’s 100 times brighter than a gamma ray burst. What does this mean for you? For about a ten-trillionth of a second, you can become 100 times stronger than the Incredible Hulk. Human smash puny hulk!
Con: We are totally going to get aliens called to our planet with this laser. They will be annoyed. They will also probably have brighter lasers.

Con: If stolen, the laser will next show up at a WWE pay per view.
Pro: We may successfully be able to rid the world of the mullet haircut in one weekend.

Pro: Fratboys and 13 year-olds will finally be able to live out their dreams of having a real life Spartan laser.
Con: Fratboys and 13 year-olds will finally be able to live out their dreams of having a real life Spartan laser.

Frat boys, your time has been saved!

010001111Hottie0001111101101Scientists at Tel Aviv University claim that they have taught a computer how to recognize a pretty face. Think of all the time you guys can save not clicking on “Hot or Not” now that machines can do it for us! Success! Now we don’t have to carry the burden of moral judgment upon our shoulders.

Put down that water bottle!

According to two scientists from the Renal, Electrolyte and Hypertension Division at the University of Pennsylvania, there is absolutely no evidence that drinking eight glasses of water a day is good for your health.

But you know what has been proven to be good for you?  (Hint: read the “Filed Under” in this post’s header.)

That’s right: its booooooooooze!

Open wide, human

The machines are rising up against us. Make no mistake about that. We are growing more and more dependent on them to do our everyday work and help speed up the simpler things in life. The more dependent we get, the more complicated the machines’ tasks become.

Now, we are going to be taking it in the hind quarters, literally. Robots are now being developed to give us colonoscopies. Scientists, whom this blog has always suspected are evil, are working on these robots to make the rather uncomfortable procedure “safer.

Sorry, bub. It’s a bad enough thought to imagine a human being doing that to someone, but there’s no way The Guys are ever letting a machine get in there, we don’t care what ivy league school it went to.