After years of Jack’s Links’ flirtations in their “Messin’ with Sasquatch” campaign, an international team of
super regular-ass scientists have agreed to meet in Siberia to finally seal the deal and get serious with the legendary beast.
Russia, the United States and China — and four other nations that aren’t normally at each others throats — will form the first coalition of its type: the sharing of research about and hunt of the Siberian Yeti. Local game wardens of the conference location called in the greatest Bigfoot minds of our generation with motion-triggered camera footage of what they believe may be the creature.
Nobody is quite sure what Bigfoot truly is, whether he is a missing link between men and apes, a leftover Neanderthal that managed to get out of our Sapien way or even a medical experiment gone horribly awry. Hell, we’re not even sure if he’s really abominable or just a lovable goof. All we know is that, if they exist, there are only a few of them, so they will be very expensive in rug-form.
There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.
Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.
We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.
And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.
It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins
Readers, we know you’re already pretty smart. You’re reading SeriouslyGuys at work, maybe even in school, and we bet you haven’t been caught yet.
We’ve been high-fiving your intelligence with penis jokes for years, and now 75 percent of surveyed “scientists, business leaders, consultants, writers and technology developers” agree: SeriouslyGuys (and some of the rest of the Internet) makes you smarter.
Of course, there’s still that pesky 25 percent that believes that you use the Internet to serve as your intelligence or reinforce what you already believe. You know that’s not true, and–to prove it–we said so.
Did you see what I did there? Oh my, aren’t I so clever! I’m probably the smartest person in world!
Okay, well, if I’m not, then I’m at least in the running to be smarter than a bunch of scientists from Jolly Ol’ Blighty that used a high-powered satellite to track down the fecal matter of Emperor penguins.
“This is a very exciting development. Now we know exactly where the penguins are, the next step will be to count each colony so we can get a much better picture of population size,” said penguin ecologist Phil Trathan.
Exciting development? More like crappy development, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?!
Very romantic scientists at Stony Brook University in New York discovered that certain amount of married people experience “Endless Love.” They also proved that someone may or may not “Always Love You” and verified that the entire Michael Bolton catalog applies to a handful of test subjects.
For the study, they compared brain scans of couples who had been together for 20 years to those who had just reached third base, maybe made it home once. About 10 percent of the longtime couples reacted the same as new couples when shown pictures of their partners. (Another 10 percent reacted by needing a drink.)
So, if you’re in a committed relationship and feel just as strongly about your partner as when you met, great. For the rest of you, you now have to fake it because your partner will read this report.
Scientists, what do you think you’re doing? Don’t you realize what you’ve done?
Let’s backpeddle a second for all the readers catching us mid-scolding:
Scientists in Japan have successfully cloned mice after freezing the donor to death. To repeat: they’ve brought mice back from the dead. Kind of. Pretty much.
Without death, there’s no way to stop animals from eating the Earth that God fitfully gave to us, humans. In fact, now there’s plans to bring back species we wiped out, like wooly mammoths.
Look, science, you wanna see a hairy elephant? Talk to Lucasfilm. They’ll show you a furry pachyderm with adorable bandage-swathed subhumans riding them. How about that?
Just — for the love of all that is holy — stop bringing non-people back from the dead. It’s not cool.
(Heh, “not cool.” Frozen mice. Still not worth it, science.)
Ever wonder what the 125 scientists at McMurdo base in Anartica do during the winter months when it’s too cold and dark for shipments to come in? They do the same thing you would do: get their freak on.
On one of the last deliveries of the season, 16,500 condoms were shipped to the base free of charge. The story is that they are shipped there and given out for free so people don’t have to be embarrassed buying them in such a small community. However, it should be obvious that with so many scientists running around, there is sure to be some chemistry.