Man buys expensive booze, doesn’t offer us any

There are some things in life that we at SG HQ will just never have. A Ford GT prototype, the ability to pee standing up, a Double-Double Animal style, a rock opera starring Ice T, even our very own continent — sadly all are out of our reach. We just can’t reach that echelon of monetary status.

That said, we are here on our hands and knees, begging for a sip of Lyle Shellenberg’s latest purchase: a 50 year old bottle of scotch. We consider ourselves amateur alcohol connoisseurs and it would only make our destiny if we were to have a glass of that sweet, sweet liquid. Please, Mister Shellenberg, make our dream come true.

Hey, it’s not like we’re asking for a sixer of Pabst. We’ve got class.

How To: Get answers

How many times has this happened to you?You wake up naked on a couch you don’t recognize … well, not entirely naked thanks to a strategically-placed sombrero. It’s daytime, though your hot, stinging brain wishes it wasn’t, but you can’t tell the time: a VCR flashes 12:00 over and over again.

Stumbling around using couch cushions as crotch- and butt-covers, you knock over the world’s largest beer can pyramid, to find the bathroom to this mystery apartment. “PENIS” scrawled across your forehead. You pray that it’s dry erase, but your futile wiping proves that, alas, it is Sharpee. Blood is dried at the corners of your lips, but it does not taste like your own.

You need answers, but how do you get them? That is the subject of this week’s How To: Get answers. Continue reading How To: Get answers