Shepherds to meddlesome eagles: Pew pew!

Shepherds in Scotland are tired of eagles making off with their lambs. They’re so tired of it that they’ve decided to step up their game: with laser beams.

White-tailed eagles keep stealing lambs from flocks of sheep in Scotland, and the Scots have decided to try shooting laser beams at them to keep them away. The plan is to point lasers at hills to creep out eagles and keep them away from the countryside, where they go after livestock. The thinking is that eagles will think there’s a prog rock laser show going on (eagles hate those, of course) and avoid the area altogether.

If this plan doesn’t work, they’ll use a death ray.

UK wants to shove haggis down our throats

For 45 years, we’ve been protected by our government from the Scots. But that soon could be no more. The haggis is coming.

In 1971, we were starting to pull out of a war we were losing in Vietnam, but on the home front the U.S. Department of Agriculture dealt a deathblow to the Scottish invasion by banning foods containing animal lungs, effectively banishing haggis from American soil. Haggis eaters were forced underground, and they have been pushing for an overturn the ban ever since. Now haggis lovers, and the Scottish government, believe the USDA will say animal lungs are A-OK to eat, if you’re into that sort of thing.

As they did more than 200 years ago, a British government thinks it knows what’s best for Americans. Hold high the ban.

Who’s up for a haggis sundae?

Americans are proud of their ability to ruin anything that tastes good, such as doughnut-flavored beer. But we don’t have the market cornered just yet.

In Scotland, they now have haggis-flavored ice cream. Finally, a desert that tastes like sheep guts mixed with onion, oatmeal, spices and more, all wrapped up in a sheep’s stomach.

It’s official: sex isn’t crap

It's also the Scots' fault when you have to hold hands and "make love for once."
It’s also the Scots’ fault when you have to hold hands and “make love for once.”

Just when you thought the Scottish couldn’t get any smugger (yet manage to stay British), get ready for the mother of all come-ons: the Scots invented sex.

Scientists discovered the oldest species to fertilize each other internally: a species of ancient Scottish lake fish. About 385 million years ago, Microbrachius dicki (yes, dicki) got tired of the old you-lay-’em-and-I’ll-spray-’em spawning technique in favor of a bit of the old in-out, in-out copulation.

Rather than do it people- or drunk people-style — you may call it “doggie” — the male and female fish swam up to each other side by side. And that’s where the magic happened, sidehatch-style:  Continue reading It’s official: sex isn’t crap

Harry Potter and the Self-referential Author

“Muuuuudblooooooooooods!”

The Guys don’t have an opinion on Scotland’s independence — it’s been a long time and many controversial outbursts since Braveheart. But, we do have enough sense that, if we did, we wouldn’t couch that opinion in “Hey, remember those children’s books I wrote?”

J.K. Rowling — author of the only seven books many people have ever read and one or two more that didn’t involve magic, so who cares? — donated at least 1 million pounds to an anti-Scottish independence organization ahead of an upcoming vote for exiting the United Kingdom.

Ms. Rowling, who lives in Scotland and will most likely participate in the vote added that she opposes elements responsible for the independence movement because of their nationalist tendency to question the bloodlines of anyone who wants to stay part of the UK. Which is a solid argument … Until you accuse them of being the villains of your book series, “death-eaters.”

That’s one self-serving way to avoid achieving Godwin’s Law.

Drink with a buddy — for your health

It’s Thursday, and if you haven’t had a beer yet, you probably have a job, because it’s not even noon. However, you’re probably planning on going out from a drink after work, because nothing helps you finish the week strong like a good hangover.

Researchers at the Medical Research Council in Scotland found that men who went to pubs to socialize and drink reported a better mental well-being. The study, which was called Drinking Attitudes in Midlife, or DrAM, (we didn’t make that up, Scottish scientists are just more fun) studied men 30 to 50, and found that the drunken, social atmosphere allowed the Scotsmen to open up about their feelings, and then likely drink them down with some soccer chant nonsense.

If it’s good enough for the Scots, it’s good enough for you, America. Grab a friend and go to the bar — before it’s too late.

Tiger blood hunting for Nessie — for some reason

In a move that is in no way an attempt to get more attention drawn to him, Charlie Sheen selflessly went on a hunt for the Loch Ness Monster, so that we may better understand our enemy, the animal.

Together with actor Brian Peck, Sheen went to Scotland and stayed at a castle on the famous lake. Then, from what we’ve been able to glean from media reports, he walked around, cracked a couple jokes about MIT funding the excursion, and climbed on some Nessie-related things.

For all we know, he’s on the water right now searching for this hidden threat to humanity.

Measuring up ye bagpipes

Depending on who you ask, size matters. That’s what researchers in Scotland found out from 323 lasses, mostly university students.

Assuming that the average wee beastie measures between the lengths of a 20-pound note and a U.S. dollar bill — that sound you just heard is men everywhere checking their wallets for cash — psychologists asked each woman if they were more likely to orgasm vaginally from a longer-than-average or shorter-than-average walloper.

160, or just over half, had actually had a vaginal-only orgasm and enough partners to compare experiences with. “Of these, 33.8 percent preferred longer-than-average penises, 60 percent said size made no difference and 6.3 percent said longer was less pleasurable than shorter” because they just finished banging the census taker and didn’t want to offend him.

100 percent of the lasses agreed, however, that if your penis isn’t Scottish, then it’s CRAAAAAP!

 (Special thanks to Patrick H.)

Part Frankenstein, part mummy, all Scottish

If you thought you had prepared for every possible zombie, vampire or Kardashian outbreak, then you’d better sit down for this: Frankenstein mummies.

Yes, Frankenstein mummies. Part Frankenstein[‘s monster], part mummy, all Scottish. There’s no cereal box spooky enough to convert this threat into marshmallow form.

And you know what? It makes sense. Science has warned us for years about bacterial super strains due to overuse of antibiotics. It was only a matter of time that our monsters developed super strains due to overuse in adaptations of classic literature and American history.