Stuffed toy tiger in standoff with police

Law enforcement officers put their lives on the line every day to keep us safe, that includes keeping us safe from animals real and fake.

In Scotland, police responded to reports of a tiger in a cow barn. The property owner took a break from a party he was hosting to check on his cows at night and was shocked to see a tiger stretched out on the floor of the barn, looking quite comfortable. Authorities treated the situation quite seriously, as Scottish countryside is lousy with tigers.

A photograph of the beast was sent to police headquarters and confirmed as legit. Police officers on the scene stayed back from the barn and tried negotiating with the tiger, which refused to come out. After 45 minutes some brave officers got close enough to find that it was just a stuffed toy tiger.

No one knows how the stuffed tiger got into the barn, but it seems obvious that the animals are just testing our response times.

Measuring up ye bagpipes

Depending on who you ask, size matters. That’s what researchers in Scotland found out from 323 lasses, mostly university students.

Assuming that the average wee beastie measures between the lengths of a 20-pound note and a U.S. dollar bill — that sound you just heard is men everywhere checking their wallets for cash — psychologists asked each woman if they were more likely to orgasm vaginally from a longer-than-average or shorter-than-average walloper.

160, or just over half, had actually had a vaginal-only orgasm and enough partners to compare experiences with. “Of these, 33.8 percent preferred longer-than-average penises, 60 percent said size made no difference and 6.3 percent said longer was less pleasurable than shorter” because they just finished banging the census taker and didn’t want to offend him.

100 percent of the lasses agreed, however, that if your penis isn’t Scottish, then it’s CRAAAAAP!

 (Special thanks to Patrick H.)

Part Frankenstein, part mummy, all Scottish

If you thought you had prepared for every possible zombie, vampire or Kardashian outbreak, then you’d better sit down for this: Frankenstein mummies.

Yes, Frankenstein mummies. Part Frankenstein[‘s monster], part mummy, all Scottish. There’s no cereal box spooky enough to convert this threat into marshmallow form.

And you know what? It makes sense. Science has warned us for years about bacterial super strains due to overuse of antibiotics. It was only a matter of time that our monsters developed super strains due to overuse in adaptations of classic literature and American history.

My grenade says you WILL give me more recess time

Remember show and tell? It was so much fun! Every week (or whatever calendar interval you were given), you got to bring in whatever you wanted to brag about-it could be a new toy, an awesome book, your emergency spleendectomy souvenirs, anything. Why, in the third grade, I brought in my pet turtle. Boy oh boy, was my class surprised when my pet turtle was actually my newborn brother (this is not an exaggerated story).

But this kid here? This kid wins it all. The Scottish lad (or lassie) brought in a fragmentation grenade. We’re talking World War 1 era potato masher style.

There’s been no word on injuries or anything like that, but man, Chuck Fenderman is going to have one heckuva time trying to top that next week.

Take that, Jäger stag!

Whenever our War on Animals and Booze News coverage intersect, the results are usually tragic, though still hilarious.

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending.

And “happy ending” is a fitting description of The End of History, a limited edition beer from Scottish company BrewDog. The beer itself is 55-percent alcohol and each bottle is inside of a stuffed animal.

Not Winnie-the-Pooh-stuffed animals. Taxidermist-stuffed animals.

Unfortunately, if you hoped to snag one to toast the end of the War on Animals, you’ll have to pry it out of the cold dead hands of some beer snob collector. The £500 bottles sold out within hours.

You can’t freedom-ize cow guts

The U.S. government is reconsidering its ban on Scotland’s national dish haggis.

The Department of Agriculture has shot down rumors that the sausage – made by rolling the cooked innards of a sheep (its heart, liver and lungs) in oats and pepper, then stuffing it in cow’s intestine and boiling it – will be allowed in the United States any time soon.

The Scottish delicacy has been barred from this country since the late ’80s mad cow outbreak in the U.K. Oh darn.

At the request of Scottish officials, the USDA is reviewing the risks of the dish and the ban on it, according to The Associated Press. USDA spokeswoman Lindsay Cole issued a statement saying reports that the ban will be lifted are incorrect and though the latest science is being examined, no timetable has been set for a decision. Haggis is getting another look in this country because Scottish Rural Affairs minister Richard Lochhead asked U.S. Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack to clarify the government’s embargo, the AP reported.

“We want to allow American consumers to sample our world renowned national dish,” said Lochhead. “They should be assured Scotland has an excellent reputation in animal disease surveillance and prevention.”

Scottish haggis producers are happy at the prospect that it might be allowed in the U.S. after all these years.

“This is long overdue and I’m glad the U.S. authorities are coming to their senses,” master butcher Neil Watt of Watt the Butcher in Montrose, Scotland, told the AP. “The haggis you get in the States does not taste like proper haggis.”

Jo Macsween, director of Macsween’s Haggis in Edinburgh, believes removing the U.S. ban would be good for business and says Americans who visit Scotland are “eager to try” the national dish.

“We believe there is a big market to be tapped,” he told the AP. “Once [Americans] have tasted it, they generally love it and become enthusiasts.”

At least one American isn’t enthused about haggis, however. Former President George W. Bush told the AP he had no desire to try the sausage at the 2005 G8 summit in Gleneagles, Scotland.

“I was briefed on haggis,” he said. Attaboy, George, attaboy.

But are the prison outfits colored plaid?

We’ve heard all the reports of prisoners getting totally sweet perks like cable television, satellite, game consoles and other luxuries that a lot people not in jail normally can’t afford to have. If you’re one of those people that feels righteous indignation about those events, hold onto your hat. There is a plan by the Scottish prison system to raise “literacy” and “numeracy” skills among its prison population by giving the inmates access to Nintendo DS systems. DUM DUM DUM.

The program would be tested in a small number of prison libraries and would involve literacy experts working with the prisoners. Prison officials note that inmates already have access to PlayStations, so going with the DS is seen as consistent and, perhaps, an improvement.

The devices, fitted with “brain training” software, will be put on trial on the advice of Scottish government officials who believe they will reduce the chances of the prisoners reoffending after they have served their sentences by improving their employment prospects. A government study into the education of prisoners, Learning in Custody: Report of the Offender Learning in Custody Workstream, concluded that convicts would benefit from the devices, which are currently being used in many primary schools to raise attainment.

However, not everyone is hunkey dorey with this plan. A Scottish group representing taxpayers calls the plan “ridiculous,” given that many Sottish citizens can’t even afford DSes for their kids in this current economic climate. If they stopped serving haggis, they might get somewhere,  though.

It takes balls to get to bottom of Loch Ness

Actual illustration of the crime scene from local authorities.Loch Ness, fabled home to Nessie, an alleged prehistoric monster that occasionally reveals herself to drunk Scotsmen, is home to an historic find: balls. Lots and lots of balls.

No, we don’t mean that she, Nessie, is actually a he, but that we may not be able to find her because locals having been using the Loch for years as a driving range. Thousands of golf balls litter the floor as far out as 300 yards from the beach.

After a constant bombardment of golf balls, and a lake of recent sightings, SeriouslyGuys has the balls evidence to officially declare Nessie dead. Good going, Scots. Maybe you can start hunting down Bigfoots (Bigfeet?).

It’s either that or, if the submarine expeditions can find something as small as golf balls, could it be that the giant dinosaur doesn’t exist?

Kids these days, with their rock music and their kilts …

Men don’t wear skirts. It’s just not something that is done. Sure it may make more sense ergonomically than constricting pants, but it’s just something that we men don’t do.

Now, on the other hand, it is extremely manly to wear a kilt, particularly if you are Scottish. But in Utah, they don’t take kindly to your cross dressin’ sinful behavior. It was a lesson one student learned recently, when his principal made him change his clothes after showing up to school in such a man skirt.

The principal has since been forced to apologize, because kilts are not offensive or inappropriate, they just cost a couple hundred dollars for one. They won’t throw in the codpieces, either.

Personally, I blame Sean Connery

That little area that most of you know mainly due to Braveheart, Sean Connery and kilts, Scotland, is apparently better than you.

And you.

And you.

Oh, and we can’t forget you.

So, what’s all the acclaim for? A survey found that Scots are the most spend concious Lotharios in Great Britain during these hard economic times. Yes, rather than torture themselves by window shopping, they’d much rather hop into the sack with someone else. We can only assume that they exhibit the principle of “one good turn deserves another”.  Unfortunately, it would seem that it truly is “hard out there for a pimp.”