Sea lions have terrible taste in music

The Bible tells us that animals have no souls, despite every pet owner in the world trying to humanize their pets with captions on Facebook. We just got further confirmation that they have no souls, and by “they,” we mean sea lions.

Researchers at the University of California-Santa Cruz have been conducting tests on their prisoners, conducting psychological warfare by playing terrible music. What they found is nothing short of shocking. Sea lions are able to bob their heads to the beat of a song they have heard before.

Further, when they hear a new song, a Backstreet Boys song, they are able to bob their heads to that as well. Which means that sea lions like the Backstreet Boys. Not even our interrogation tactics work against them!

Psychological warfare (on animals)

What do sea lions and Hitler have in common? They are both our enemies, and we have their brains inside a jar so we can study them.

Science is now studying the brain of the California sea lion, so that we can better understand how our foe’s mind works. In fact, we have now mapped the sea lion’s brain. Not surprisingly, most of its thoughts are about eating toddlers, followed closely by thoughts of kelp.

More importantly, we now have the ability to see what chemicals we can put in the water to mess with their heads, even kill them. Science marches on!

Yet another war the hippies try to undermine

When an animal wanders onto a busy highway, that’s generally pancake time–a tradition we proudly salute. But, as has been the case since 1967, the rules don’t apply in San Francisco.

It was there that a baby sea lion cutely waddled its way out onto I-880 when there were  a lot of cars on the road. Instead of doing their civic duty and teaching that sea feline a one-time lesson in consequences, they called the police. When the California Highway Patrol got there, they did the right thing and threw the sea lion in the back of their car, not even stopping to Marandize the beast.

Presumably, they were taking the juvenile in for questioning (waterboarding doesn’t work well on aquatic creatures), then the namby-pambies had a change of heart and brought it to a nearby marine center.

The good news is this seems to be a fairly common occurence. That means there’s always next time.

Flippered pirates on the west coast

Sea lions live up to their name as the lions of the sea. They prey on unsuspecting sea zebras and sea antelope, travel in prides and have been known to stalk and attack human children. Apparently, they are also known for their intellect.

A sea lion in Washington state illegally boarded a passenger vessel, probably intending to take the family on board as hostages and for money or a prisoner exchange. Luckily, after an hour long battle, the coup attempt was repelled, and the sea lion went back into the water.

The only problem is, it then let out its mighty sea lion roar and climbed up the boat’s ladder. The shoddy journalism of USA Today fails to tell us what happened after the family was re-boarded, we are left to assume that the U.S. Coast Guard came in and terminated the threat posed by the beast.