Does this mean we owe them one?

Big question to everyone: who here has a fondness for Dick Van Dyke?

This could potentially be very important. You see, Dick Van Dyke was off in the sea, minding his own business, surfboarding it up, when he fell asleep. Now, everyone likes a pleasant afternoon nap … but an afternoon nap out on the water is a little bit different. And when you’ve managed to make your way out of sight of land, that starts to fall into the dangerous area.

Here’s where it gets tricky. Van Dyke was then pushed back to shore by a pack of porpoises. Not the rapists of the sea dolphins, but their ugly cousins, porpoises. So, back to my question: does anyone here actually like Dick Van Dyke? We’re at a war here, and every effort might count. As such, if a favor is called in, we may have to be jerks and utter “yeah, but you didn’t actually have to save him.”

Unconvential weapons finally in use

The War on Animals is a total war, which means no one is safe. If you are an animal, regardless of how cute you are, we will hit you right in your breeding grounds. It also means we will use chemical warfare on you, because the Geneva Conventions do not apply to animals.

That’s why we’re hitting those we can’t really reach with chemicals like fire retardants. Yes, we are now attacking deep sea squid and octopi with chemical runoff from our shores. There is no telling yet what kind of effect our efforts will have on them and the rest of the cowards trying to hide from the war deep beneath the waves. We will fight them wherever we have to until the last one is dead.

Let’s just hope the chemicals don’t make these things colossal or super-intelligent.