It’s the dog days of summer. I don’t really know what that phrase means, sort of like “the ides of March.” Anyway, there is such a thing as the dog days of summer, and this is it. And usually there’s not a ton of news out there. But that’s certainly not the case this week. If you were busy being accused of holding women captive in a cult-like atmosphere this week, odds are you missed it.
Spice put on ice
This week, Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.
President Donald Trump this week nominated climate change denier Sam Clovis to the USDA’s top science position. “Hooray,” cheered cows across the country, whose farts represent the largest U.S. emissions of the greenhouse gas methane.
Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.
Sean Spicer is now the White House press secretary. You may have seen him yelling at journalists about the size of the president’s genitals recently. We know Spicer hates people who are paid to ethically report things that happen in real life, but he really hates Dippin’ Dots.
For most of this decade, Spicer has waged a one-man war on the self-proclaimed “ice cream of the future.” He first tweeted a broadside at Dippin’ Dots in April 2010, claiming that it is “NOT the ice cream of the future.” He didn’t forget it. Spicer tweeted a similar remark in September 2011, and then in November 2011 cheered and linked to a Wall Street Journal article about Dippin’ Dots filing for bankruptcy protection. Did Dippin’ Dots kill a member of his family or something?
Not one to let an old grudge go, in September 2015 he tweeted at a Washington Nationals game that “If Dippin [sic] Dots was truly the ice cream of the future they would not have run out of vanilla.” Which means that even though he hates the treat, he still went to order it and got turned away, which reminded him of how much he hates it. The man has a complicated relationship with this food.
We understand that ice cream is a serious matter. And running out of your favorite flavor can feel like a national emergency! We’ve seen your tweets and would like to be friends rather than foes. After all, we believe in connecting the dots.