And by that, we mean beat you senselessly with a shillelagh. No, no, no, of course we don’t mean that. Well, at least for the most part.
Starbucks, the famous coffee giant, has always been in the flavored coffee business, but now, they’re looking to jump into the flavored coffee with flavor business. Having tested the plan here and there in a few Seattle and Portland stores, locations in Atlanta and Southern California will, over the year, have their menu expanded to include items such as beer and wine. Oh sure, there’ll be new food items as well, but pffft, why fill up your stomach with food when you can fill it up with more booze?
The blob is here! Run away!
A mysterious goo emerged out of an erupting geyser in Seattle last Thursday. What did it do then? Oh, nothing much more than inch and bubble its way up a street. Citizens were smartly kept away from the mess, and authorities, after taking a gas reading indicating it wasn’t explosive, concluded that it’s nothing more than soap, water and dirt, created from construction in the tunnel underneath.
You know, that’s interesting and all, but tell me this: did anybody in the immediate area notice an odd disappearance of fire extinguishers and apple seeds? Also, isn’t it always convenient how transients and hobos are always just going missing?
Don’t feed me a bunch of malarkey! What Seattle saw was a carefully orchestrated attack taken by either a meteorite or Cobra! Our only hope now is either the rough and tumble ne’er do wells that are already suspected of vicious attacks or a fast-talking ace pilot.
I’m a capitalist, through and through. That’s the one creed that I subscribe to. I believe in the free market society. I believe in the trading of goods and services via currency. I believe that the market will decide on what is best.
I don’t believe in hippies. They are filthy gypsies that run around without a care in the world, not realizing the effect that has on our society. They crowd up already busy streets and drain our nation’s resources (there’s only so much peanut butter in the world, people!). Worst of all, they parade around and drown themselves in patchouli oil.
DAMN YOU PATCHOULI OIL!
Most of all, I don’t want to have to trade you 5 carrots for riding on my bike for 30 minutes. That doesn’t work. And I don’t care for a marijuana farmer’s market. I don’t want to have to trade 2 lambs for a pound of kif. No, if I want that, I’ll do what every other hard-working American citizen does: move to California, fake an injury and get a prescription from a doctor.
Great. Just what the world needs-more hippy crap.
Seattle is giving Portland a run for its money when it comes to being the most eco-forward city in the Pacific Northwest. With a ban on Styrofoam in restaurants and grocery stores going into effect on July 1, the city’s Metropolitan Market chain and other businesses have come up with a packaging solution-compostable meat trays made of corn. Made by Illinois-based Pactiv, the tan trays can be used for meat, fish and poultry and then tossed into the compost pile along with other food waste.
Chemist and Pactiv rep Dave Powell says that using the new trays is a boon for Seattle’s green reputation, and that while there is controversy surrounding the use of corn for anything other than food production, his company’s customers want more eco-friendly packaging that will break down. Styrofoam doesn’t.
If they wanted something that breaks down, why didn’t they just get me under pressure? Thank you everyone, I’ll be here all night.
Today we lose another valued member of the newspaper society. As many of you have no doubt heard by now, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer (whose name seems a cruel joke about telling you news well after the fact) sells its final print edition today, after more than a century of service.
The P-I, as it is called, is switching to an online-only format and is the first U.S. newspaper to do so. The newspaper is not the first to go under in the recession, and countless more newspapers are teetering on the edge. It’s an inevitable drop that we have all seen coming for 20 years. And while we all are sad, it’s all our faults because we are the ones who stopped buying newspapers. Sure, they have steadily decreased in quality for years and get ink all over your hands, it’s our job as a society to buy these newspapers and support our journalists’ drinking habits.
On another sad note, it is my sad duty to announce that after today, the print version of SeriouslyGuys will no longer be available. We are switching to a Web-only format and experimenting with this whole “blog” fad that seems to be hip with the kids these days. You will be able to find us at www.SeriouslyGuys.com.
Long ago, SeriouslyGuys reported on a growing trend in Seattle – sexy coffee shops! Unfortunately, it seems as if the dream is dead. The craze in the Pacific Northwest for buck-naked baristas has apparently gotten out of hand as “Espresso Gone Wild” is being told to cover up or shut down. This brings a tear to many an eye. While the business owner should probably be arrested for that ridiculous name, I’m sure that the servers were nothing but innocuous at best. Won’t someone please think of the children health code violations imminent burns?
Here are SeriouslyGuys, we like to inform the general populace on how not to live your life, usually using examples found in society. Today will be no different, as an argument between a pothead and his live-in gamer buddy will educate us on how not to resolve our differences as these two do.
According to Seattle police, after one too many disagreeable bong-hitting sessions, the roommate who gets high only on life (and his gamerscore–and quite possibly crack, too) shattered said bong on the sidewalk. Bong-smasher was met the next day with a wet Xbox that “smelled like urine” and controllers that were partially glued to … something. No arrests have been made, though cries throughout the Internet have been made, all uttering distasteful comparisons to “Marijuana Jones and his mad HAX”.
Committing armed robbery makes you a tough customer. Committing armed robbery to steal only eight porn magazines makes you a little bit crazy. Committing armed robbery, stealing eight porno mags, and then riding away on a bicycle? Maybe you should rethink your career choices. And over just $96? Yeesh.
If there’s one thing I enjoy about art, it’s an artist’s ability to willingly create something guaranteed to offend the masses. It seems easy: find a piece of collectively assumed “common” thought, and then create something that challenges that thought. The difficulty is separating yourself from common sense long enough to finish that project and then defending it when the townfolk have arrived with your rail.
Ryan Hobson has this difficult part ahead of him right now. The artist has a board game on display at the Vermillion Gallery in Seattle, Washington. The game is adroitly titled, “The Serial Killer Trivia Game,” and consists of moving a player piece around the board and answering trivia questions about, go figure, serial killers. If you get the question right, you “kill” someone on that space, which represents a house.
Continue reading Take it from Snee: ‘Serial Killer’ game is A-OK