You Missed It: Hit the showers edition

Like this, only yellower.

I accidentally sat next to a bag of drugs on the train home yesterday. For a couple stops, I was sitting in a row with someone next to me, then I noticed a woman get up and get off the train, leaving her row empty. I moved over and noticed a shopping bag with some containers and a couple pill bottles. Oh no, someone left their medication on the train! I picked up a bottle to find the owner’s name and contact information, except there was no label — same thing with the other bottle. They contained pills and powder. What if I just stumbled into a drug deal dead drop? I thought about taking the bag and selling the drugs, but as a suburban 30-something parent, I don’t exactly have the connections to move product like that. So I left it there. Someone’s big weekend plans are definitely ruined. If you were busy giving your buddy the Presidential Medal of Freedom this week, odds are you missed it.

Going for gold
This week, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!

Bots tweet about droids
Computer scientists stumbled across a large botnet of Star Wars-related Twitter accounts, it was reported this week. The researchers were taking a sample of Twitter accounts, when they realized they’d come across over 350,000 automated accounts all tweeting random quotes from Star Wars novels. The bots were created a few years ago, and stopped tweeting months after that. They were probably upset that they were no longer canon.

Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show on Sunday, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. SeaWorld’s really serious about retiring these whales, aren’t they?

Take it from Snee: Save the important whale research!

Thanks to our current anti-scientific environment, we no longer trust the scientific method. First, we demanded that creationism be treated like a tested, mathematical theory like evolution or gravity. Then, we pointed to coincidences like doctors noticing that children displayed symptoms of autism around the same age they receive vaccinations as proof that, ergo, vaccines cause autism.

Even though it’s also around the same age they’re potty trained, yet we don’t blame toilet paper quilting practices for autism.

And now we’ve allowed unscientific rubes to muzzle our most important research in the War on Animals: killing whales and making the rest do backflips.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Save the important whale research!

The cost of the war is crippling

We may be winning the war on animals, but it sure is taking its toll on us, financially.

This war has officially transitioned into one of attrition. With our economic times still being lower than they need to be, we need to finish this battle quickly.

Yes to wetsuit, no to Batsuit nipples

We’ve grown accustomed to losing luxuries after a terrorist attack. Spider-Man doesn’t get to spin a web between the World Trade Center towers. The airport smells a bit more “Croc-y,” especially around the security area.

But, how many freedoms are we willing to surrender? Surely some loss will inspire the American people to stand up and say, “Not on my watch, motherf@%ker.”

Will that loss be wetsuit nipples from SeaWorld babes diving into the water with killer whales and then getting out of the pool?

Hasn’t Tilikum killed enough? Must he also drag dad erections down to the bottom of a metaphorical underwater tank by their less metaphorical pubic hair? We cannot allow the whales to win.