The hot new trend in Washington, D.C. is to hop the White House fence. It’s the federal equivalent of running on to the field during a baseball game, except the security is in better shape and more heavily armed. But lately those in charge of keeping the presidential mansion safe have gotten heat for some big failures.
Most notably was Omar Gonzalez, a mentally ill veteran, who got into the White House and sprinted into the East Room, before an off-duty Secret Service agent tackled him. A guy wearing a Pokemon hat hopped the fence a week earlier. And in June, a toddler squeezed through the fence and wandered around before she was wrangled in.
The Jim Beam commercial with Mila Kunis is supposed to be sexy and make me want to buy bourbon (as if I didn’t already). It doesn’t really have that effect on me. In it, she tells the camera how awesome bourbon is while wielding hot and sharp metal objects, and brands one barrel of Jim Beam with her name. She then threatens the barrel that she’ll be back for it in four years. This doesn’t seem like the place for an expectant mother. Guess she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. If you were busy announcing a Baywatch movie this week, odds are you missed it.
On the next episode of Dallas
The Ebola outbreak in Africa has killed hundreds and sickened far more in Africa. It’s the worst outbreak ever. But Americans were safe from the virus until a man in Dallas was diagnosed with it this week. He told doctors over a week ago that he was feeling sick and had traveled to Africa, but was sent home with antibiotics instead. Now about 100 people, including school children, are being watched after having contact with the man. Everything really is bigger in Texas, including the f*%#-ups.
In the line of fire
This week, Julia Pierson resigned from her post as Secret Service director following a recent batch of security lapses in her agency, including a crazy guy with a knife getting all the way to the East Room after jumping the White House fence. Her testimony before a Congressional committee and her resignation were translated by the crazy guy who made up sign language at Nelson Mandela’s funeral.
His eyes were glassy from pool water
Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps was arrested and charged with driving under the influence in Baltimore this week after police caught him speeding early Tuesday morning. The incident isn’t Phelps’ first run in with the law. It’s not even his first DUI. Because of his legal problems, his sponsorship deals have gone from Wheaties to Beerios.
Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?
Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.
Equal time rule A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition
For all the talk this year about whether or not President Barack Obama supports small business owners, apparently there’s no satisfying those small business owners with actual patronage.
Mike Cunningham II owns one of the oldest beer tents you’ve never heard of at the Iowa State Fair … that is until President Obama stopped by, had a couple of beers, and was criticized for costing what Cunningham estimated as $25,000 in beer sales because his Secret Service detail effectively shut the Bud Tent down during his visit.
Folks, you can’t waste that piss away that kind of publicity. (Unless that publicity is, of course, an ice cold Bud Light.)
But, while the beer may not have been flowing as well as Cunningham would have liked, at least one person managed to get drunk, judging by Sen. Chuck Grassley’s tweeting:
“How does PresO justify havin secret service shut down the bud tent @ the state fair nd the owner told me he loses 50,000 n 1 nite.”
Have you ever wondered what a “social media guru” or “expert” does? As far as we can tell, they follow random people on Twitter and post links to buzzspeak essays by other (presumably) unemployed “SEO managers.”
Once they’re in, you’ll probably forget all about them, like that guy you met that one time at that place with the shots served in test tubes. (Quickest abortion turnaround time, yet!) And then they watch for any pictures of illegal activity or status changes that conflict with your alibis.
So, next time you get a friend request, ask them, “Are you a cop?” If they say no, then they’re probably lying because they’re undercover, so you should destroy your computer.
It’s October. That means it’s time for Octoberfest. It also means time for playoff baseball and football is just starting to get interesting. For those reasons I am significantly more comfortable now with the fact that summer is over. I still wear my Speedo around the house, though. If you were busy running from one natural disaster or another this week, odds are you missed it.
Look what we found
It’s been a tough week for Lucy, the oldest known human ancestor skeleton. First, Lucy of the Beatles song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” dies (the song was playing on the radio when archaeologists discovered Lucy, hence her name), now she’s not even the oldest skeleton anymore. Scientists went public this week with the discovery of Ardi, who is 1.2 million years older than Lucy. She is also named after a Beatles song, though. “Ob Ardi, Ob Arda” was playing on the radio when she was found.
Keep your Worldwide Pants on
David Letterman shocked his audience last night when he announced he was the victim of an extortion attempt. He said about three weeks ago he got a package saying if he did not pay up, the person would make his sexual trysts with show employees known. According to reports, the extortion letter also included the Top Ten reasons why he should pay $2 million.
You have been poked by federal investigators
The U.S. Secret Service determined this week that a Facebook poll asking if President Barack Obama should be killed did not pose a threat to the president. Instead, the federal agency just found it as annoying as every other poll, quiz and game your friends try to send you on Facebook.
If you were the leader of a country, what would you do? Would you be a noble leader? A benevolent dictator? Or would you be a notorious drunk and go on a bender while on foreign trips?
Former Russian Boris Yeltsin chose the latter. According to witnesses who are apparently just now releasing this story, a drunk Yeltsin was on a trip to Washington in 1995 when Secret Service police found him wandering around–at night–in his underwear–trying to get some pizza. Somehow the drunken bear made it past his own embassy’s security. Whoops.
Over the past eight years, we’ve learned a little something about our intelligence agencies: they’re behind the times and often inept.
Well, worry no more! The CIA, FBI and 14 other intelligence agencies are using an online social network called A-Space to share their intelligence ideas. It’s modeled after Facebook and Myspace, which are known throughout the Internet for their security and validity of ideas.
“Instead of posting thoughts about the new Avenged Sevenfold album or Jessica Alba movie, CIA analysts could use A-Space to share information and opinion about al Qaeda movements in the Middle East or Russian naval maneuvers in the Black Sea.”
Sleep easy, America. Our next intelligence issues are going to be settled by that attention whore in the NSA who has 1,000 friends (and near topless pictures!). Or maybe some Secret Service crank whose ex-girlfriend suddenly has ties to Hamas.