It’s a trap, older ladies!

The Transportation Security Administration has announced that it will ease up screening procedures on seniors aged 75 and above. Much in the same way they’ve done for kids 12 and under, TSA will no longer force the elderly to remove their shoes or outerwear at security checkpoints, and they will now be able to opt out of pat-downs provided they submit to a second no-touch screening.

But, just when TSA thinks they’ve found a way to improve their perception problem, they introduce a whole new one: passenger ages will be determined by a screener’s visual assessment. Unless … maybe it’s a trap to compliment grandmas, like carding older ladies for booze?

Take it from Snee: We could be safer

Americans are upset at TSA, and it’s not because we’re the only country in the world that requires airline passengers to take off their shoes. We’ve been given a choice between having a digital naked picture taken of us (which will never, ever end up online) or let Bubba Notacop grab a feelsky before we can get through security.

I, however, am not most Americans. You see a police state; I see free hernia checks. (Now who’s providing free health care?) I like the feeling of a security blanket, and to hog more of that blanket, I’ve got a few more recommendations for our Department of Homeland Security. Continue reading Take it from Snee: We could be safer

Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

So, I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not the debonair man of Internet taste and karate that you admire.)

When I returned–with their blessing–to work on Monday, I discovered two reference materials in my inbox:

  1. The latest guide to surviving hurricanes from the NOAA.
  2. This year’s Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.

This week’s column is not about hurricane safety. As someone who lives close to the Tennessee border and an entire state away from the Atlantic, hurricanes are no joke to this funny guy. If a hurricane ever made landfall and didn’t downgrade to a tropical storm this far inland, then it is time to enjoy my last orgy on Earth.

No, it’s about terrorism and–if you don’t like it–how to avoid it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

Don’t look now, but there’s an alien behind you

If you’ve ever wondered exactly how far Jordan is behind the United States in the joke department, the answer is 72 years, 6 months and 30 days.

Jordanian officials nearly evacuated the town of Jafr after their newspaper, Al Ghad, printed on the cover of their April Fools issue that aliens had landed in the town. Once they “arrived,” the aliens reportedly went crazy, Yosemite Sam-style.

Wait, the mayor didn’t even know about an alien invasion in his own town until the newspaper reported it, presumably the next day? What, was he hiking the Appalachian or something?

Nicknames less cool when prosecution uses them

Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Blackwater nicknaming ritual …

Sgt. Blutarsky: From now on, your Blackwater nickname is “Weasel.”

From now on, your name is “Mothball.”

Kroger, your Blackwater nickname is “Pinto.”

Kroger: Why “Pinto?”

Sgt. Blutarsky: [belches] Why not?!

Dorfman: What’s my Blackwater name?

Sgt. Blutarsky: Dorfman, I’ve given this a lot of thought. From now on … your name is “Savage Viking.”

Dorfman: … “Savage Viking?

Apparently, Blackwater’s attorneys think it reflects poorly on their defendants when their mercenary nicknames are used in court during muder trials. Really, who would convict someone named “Murder” of murder based solely on their name? That seems awfully “Extreme” or even “Savage.”

Let this blog state for the record that I want my Blackwater nickname to be Jagged Metal Cock.

(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)