Segway hacked, does this mean they’re no longer cool?

We’ve said this roughly 689,524 times on this blog before, but this time we’re right: We’ve probably reached the end of humanity. It’s been nice knowing you all. Whatever historians are alive centuries from now will mark the beginning of the end with the hacking of a Segway.

That’s right, the Segway, the rolling scooter thing widely used in all facets of society today, has been hacked. We were such fools to trust such a convenient piece of technology! Hackers have been able to stop the Segway MiniPro via an accompanying app that connects you to your machine’s controls. A vulnerability in the software allows a third party to take control of the Segway. Of course, thousands have already been killed, and there is mass panic around the world because such a vital machine is no longer safe.

Mark our words, if mankind has any hope, it must relegate Segways to airport security officers and city tour groups.

Science: Only hack-proof security is being drunk

It seems like every day we hear about another major hacking, leading to exposed private information, draining of bank accounts, even the election of Donald Trump. It seems as if there’s nothing secure anymore. Turns out, the ultimate security device is in your liquor cabinet.

There is talk that the next big thing in security will be your own brainwaves. Devices will be able to read your unique brainwaves and know that it’s you. Say you have a brainwave lock on your house. The obvious flaw here is that all someone has to do is force you to be near your place in order to unlock it. The only way to keep that from happening is to alter your brainwaves, namely, by getting drunk. Researchers have found that substances like alcohol, as well as drugs, but mostly alcohol, alter your brain waves to such a degree that you would not be able to unlock your devices.

Your drunk brain is completely unhackable.

More airline passengers loaded than ever

TSA seized almost as many guns as nail clippers last week.
TSA seized almost as many guns as nail clippers last week.

It’s pretty normal to get loaded before a flight. You’re not driving, and you’re about to sit elbow-in-lap with a perfect stranger, which is basically a hook-up. What wasn’t normal — until this week — was to get loaded by bringing your gun on your carry-on. Alas, TSA confiscated a new record of 73 guns in one week in carry-on screenings.

That’s right: 73 people thought they were the one exception to no firearms allowed onboard a commercial flight. 68 of those guns were loaded, and 27 had a round in the chamber.

What’s weird is that, just one year ago, TSA managed to miss 95 percent of undercover agents smuggling in test contraband through security checkpoints. That’s how dumb our nation’s armed patriots are: they still got caught by TSA.

Now the TSA is discriminating against pirates

Despite having an entire day dedicated to talking like them, pirates are still second-class citizens here in America. In recent weeks, we’ve seen pirates get beaten up and have security called on them just for how they dress. The hatred continues.

In Hawaii, a place that ought to have a lot of experience with pirates, one man was flying back from Maui to San Francisco, or at least he tried. TSA agents didn’t like that he had a cannon barrel in his checked luggage even though it wasn’t loaded. A pirate never travels without his guns. After some unwarranted harassment and trampling of his rights as a human, the pirate was allowed to board his flight, but his cannon barrel had to fly back separately.

Look past the eye patch, people!

Hey media, let’s get some things straight

Everyone went crazy about Richard Sherman last week. That wasn’t news, that was a horribly dumb decision by a man that’s much smarter than that.

A teacher that was fired for possibly throwing a shoe at an 8 year old student: that’s not news. That’s cause and effect.

The Super Bowl has an increase of security? That’s not news, that’s what is supposed to happen at a giant event where a ton of people will be.

The first ever openly bisexual player in college football came out to the public? That’s not just news, that’s big news. Good on you, Conner Mertens. May your days be long and successful.

Snapchat hires lobbyists to deliver very bad news to Congress’ members

"What do you mean those pictures of me 'going maverick' are still stored somewhere?"
“Now that I know those pictures still exist somewhere, I really regret not touching up my ‘career.'”

It was only a matter of time before Snapchat, the Internet’s number one site for exchanging pervy pictures would join forces with the U.S. Congress, the number one user of those services over the age of 18.

In the wake of a high-profile hacking that revealed personal data from users, the tech company has hired some hotshot lobbyists, including Heather Podesta*, to help promote Web security policies that would prevent such leaks in the future. Also, to probably explain to some of the older members on the Hill (heh) how hacking Snapchat could put a real wrinkle in their careers.

And by “their careers,” we mean their ball sacks. Wrinkles are still wrinkles.

*You can learn more about Heather “‘It Girl’ of Washington” Podesta at her Wikipedia page that she almost certainly did not write herself.

Mocking the shutdown, fox lives on White House grounds

As further rumors of a deal in Congress to end the government shutdown and avoid the nation defaulting on its loans continue to circulate, we get a reminder of how vulnerable we are right now.

Because there’s no operating budget for the federal government, there’s no one to keep our elected officials safe from our animal foes. Not even at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, D.C. 20500. Turns out there’s a fox living on the White House grounds. It’s been seen near the kitchen garden planted by Michelle Obama. No one’s been able to catch it yet, because that costs money.

People, the animals know we are weak right now. Stay vigilant. Our leaders don’t have our backs.

Turkish bodybuilder boards Angela Merkel’s plane, has a party

If you’re a head of state, you expect your plane to be pretty secure, right? It’s not like Air Force One is just left unguarded. That thing’s watched 24 hours a day. German Chancellor Angela Merkel doesn’t have that kind of luxury.

It recently came to light that in late July, a Turkish bodybuilder high on ecstasy and marijuana, snuck on to Merkel’s plane as it sat abandoned one night at the Cologne airport. He then stripped down to his underwear, sprayed the fire extinguisher everywhere, hit random buttons in the cockpit, released that cool inflatable slide thing, and even danced on the wing.

Dude, Oktoberfest isn’t until late September.

That bombshell may have an actual bomb

It’s time we were all afraid of women with large breasts. There’s a sentence we never thought we’d write.

At London’s Heathrow Airport is genuinely nervous that there may be suicide bombers willing to get breast implants with bombs inside. The thinking is that this would allow the terrorists to get through security scanners without being detected. They could then set off the explosives on planes.

So, we don’t want to be alarmists, but if you see a woman with large breasts, report it to the authorities.

You Missed It: They can hear us edition

Let's just let the NSA insert a funny image.
Let’s just let the NSA insert a funny image.

I was pretty sad to hear this week that Russian President and all-around-good-guy Vladimir Putin divorced his wife, Lyudmila. If this doesn’t strike a fatal blow for the concept of Russian romanticism, I don’t know what will. We had Camelot in the Kremlin, and now it’s gone. Putin will probably end up cruising for chicks with Bill Clinton and Silvio Berlusconi. If you wondered what the “red wedding” was this week, odds are you missed it.

Somebody’s watching me
It was reported this week that the NSA has had access to and collected personal information and history from Verizon Wireless customers, as well as all the big internet data services. In fact, the NSA has been watching us all for the better part of a decade, and the courts are upholding it all. In other news, I’m very glad that there are entire offices at the NSA reading my work. Thanks, guys!

‘I signed an executive order to keep this bar open’
This week, Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick admitted that the day Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was captured, he went home and got “quite drunk.” It’s incredibly insensitive to say he got bombed. So let’s just say he did the same thing as everyone else in Boston did, if they hadn’t been doing that during their lockdown in the first place. Patrick is a man of the people.

Another old rich person
Gloria Mackenzie of Tallahassee, Florida came forward this week as the winner of the $590-million Powerball jackpot. As you might guess from the fact that her name is “Gloria” and she lives in Florida, she’s 84. Mackenzie wisely went for the lump-sum option of $370 million, rather than the 30 annual payments of the full jackpot. Mackenzie’s caretakers say they are anxious to collect her winnings.