‘Bork bork bork’ is Swedish for ‘skeet skeet skeet’

Some of you savvier readers might remember Cryos International — the largest sperm bank in the world — turning down redhead and Scandinavian semen back in September. In response, Swedish scientists have released a study that may make Ole Schou reconsider his policy.

They found that Swedish men who donated sperm generally scored better in the screening process for being more responsible, confident and self-accepted than donors from other countries (like those shiftless Danes over at Cryos), thank you very much.

The researchers would be remiss, however, if they didn’t mention that Swedish sperm requires some assembly after purchase.

Sushi spicy sauce is people!

Tiny, super microscopic people. And in infinite amounts!

A woman is suing Planet Sushi, a sushi restaurant in New York City, over her take-out sushi. She feels that the spicy sauce that came along with her dish had a higher than normal amount of semen in its ingredients.

Mind you, the normal amount of semen in spicy sauce is typically zero.

She states that she noticed something amiss upon first tasting the sushi, after having dipped a piece of the tuna roll into the sauce, and that she spit part of the roll out but swallowed about half of the bite.

Now, the part about noticing something out of the ordinary regarding the sushi throws me off a bit. What does that have to do with anything? Does the sushi contain semen, or at least, more semen than what’s to be expected from fish? Is she implying that the sushi was tainted or prepared in a way that required her to use the potentially tainted spicy sauce? I don’t understand.

Nonetheless, she’s proceeded with a lawsuit, which a judge has allowed despite a request by the restaurant to be dismissed. There are so many questions that need to be answered, and not a one of them contain words I would use at my job.

Reabsorbed? Didn’t see that coming

We’ve all heard of Jenny McCarthy and her anti-vaccination rants. But, did you know that there are many other actors who endorse dangerous health ideas? It’s true! Well, science shall no longer tolerate the reckless endangerment of people who take medical advice from abdominal support systems.

We’d like to single out one item in this year’s Sense About Science list, and that’s cage fighter Alex Reid’s semen absorption (“I’m serious; stop laughing, guys!”) scheme:

“It’s actually very good for a man to have unprotected sex as long as he doesn’t ejaculate. Because I believe that all that semen has a lot of nutrition. A tablespoon of semen has your equivalent of steak, eggs, lemons and oranges. I am reabsorbing it into my body and it makes me go raaaaahh.”

Mr. Reid, while this in no way makes us question your sexuality, we’d like to bring up a story about this one guy we heard about in high school who tried to have sex with his girlfriend, and she wouldn’t let him finish, and he died.

… Seriously, though: that “raaaahh”-ing? Probably a prostate cancer flare-up.

I can tell at least one thing wrong about that headline

Yeah, we know Japan is weird, but as usual, they manage to make weird even weirder. 143 vials of bull semen were stolen from the Miyazaki Livestock Research Institute in 2007. Why this news is coming to light now, and not, say, in 2007, I can’t begin to tell you. We can only assume that it has to be embarrassing enough to discuss the topic in the first place. Maybe Japan was hoping it would turn up somewhere they forgot to look?

Valued at 650,000 yen (the equivalent of a gazillion spacebucks), the vials were frozen in liquid nitrogen and stored in a locked container at the facility’s artificial insemination lab. The cattle that the semen was taken from brought home top honors in a national grading event, hence the reason why their juice was worth such a high price. We can only hope that whoever took the vials did the right thing and destroyed them, thus ensuring a sickly line of bulls to inhabit the world.