Miss him yet?

Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol' Dubya's famous back rubs.
Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol’ Dubya’s famous back rubs.

For nearly eight years, Republicans and other right-leaning types smugly pretended to miss President George W. Bush while also being very careful not to be seen in public with him or associated with him, his spending or his expansion of the federal government in any way. But, it only took potential President Donald Trump (yeah, we said it) to send them running back to him.

The “compassionate conservative” — as proved by his recent forays into painting — is now making appearances at fundraisers for vulnerable Congressional candidates. Some are at-risk of primary challenges by Trump-supporting nightmares, others of disgusted independent and reasonable Republican voters who now associate the entire party with Trump. He’s already helped out Senators John McCain (who really used to hate Bush after the 2000 Republican primary) of Arizona and Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire, and is booked to be seen with Senators Roy Blunt of Missouri, Rob Portman of Ohio and Ron Johnson of Wisconsin.

And we know Fox News misses him after years of fomenting the “grassroots” Tea Party because Brett Baier channeled Dubya to botch a never-in-a-lifetime-(unless-you’re-Richard-Gere) opportunity to interview the Dalai Lama.

To be fair, Trump might have us all finally missing Foughty-Three a little. Not enough to buy a painting, though. (Maybe a print for the bathroom, though.)

N.Y. Dems blame TP shortfall on Republicans

In times like these, belts have to be tightened, and the New York state Senate is no different. However, complaints are arising that budgets have been cut too far on toilet paper.

Senate Democrats are complaining that the Republicans are limiting their toilet papers supplies, and it’s really chapping their hides. It’s gotten so bad that staffers bring their own rolls to work. Republican Senate Majority Leader John Flanagan denies that there is any preferential treatment in toilet paper distribution.

Government waste continues to be a huge problem.

Florida Libertarians select guy who got kicked out of cult

Just as Florida seems to have weird problems that other states just don’t seem to have, they also have strange problems with their politicians. For example, one guy running for office got kicked out of a cult.

Augustus Sol Invictus, which is apparently not his real name, is running for a seat in the U.S. Senate as a Libertarian from Florida. He has also been accused of supporting eugenics, and being kicked out of a cult for a ritualistic sacrifice of a goat. Those accusations aren’t coming from opponents, they’re coming from Florida Libertarian Party Chairman Adrian Wyllie, who stepped down in protest of Invictus’ nomination.

As a Libertarian, shouldn’t Wyllie be for personal freedom and against a political party telling someone what they can and can’t believe? The Guys aren’t making political endorsements yet, but we do admire Invictus’ anti-goat stance.

It’s not a filibuster

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., coaches his copilot through a fleet of Democrat senators as he tries to remember the code for blocking a cabinet nominee without letting on that it's a filibuster.
Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., coaches his copilot through a fleet of Democrat senators as he tries to remember the code for blocking a cabinet nominee without letting on that it’s a filibuster.

The Republican members of the U.S. Senate might have an addiction. The first sign of any addiction is to hide it in plain sight, which is precisely what the GOP is attempting with their latest filibuster, this time against Secretary of Defense nominee, Chuck Hagel.

Knowing that their Congressional members already took a hit as the “Party of No” this past election, but unable to give up the sweet, sweet ride of holding their breath until the president goes away, they blocked the vote to confirm Hagel’s nomination. But, they’re adamant that it’s not a filibuster.

No, they’re claiming the vote was too soon, as Sen. Lamar Alexander, R-Tenn., put it. Or that they want to force the nomination to be approved by 60 votes, as Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla., stated outright. But, no, even though they’re blocking a vote they’ve spent weeks talking about (and trying to link to Benghazi), and even though they want to invoke cloture … it’s not a filibuster.

You know, guys, that the first step to overcoming addiction is admitting that you have a problem, right? And if blocking a cabinet appointment isn’t rock bottom, then the Guys don’t have a drinking problem when we start chugging the vermouth.

Leroy Jenkins not a credible reference for politicians

Colleen Lachowicz is a democrat running for state senate in Waterville, Maine and she also happens to play a lot of World of Warcraft. As per Maine Republicans, this means that she is more than unfit for office, and as such, the Maine Republican Party has set up an entire website dedicated to digging up old forum posts made by Lachowicz.

“Colleen Lachowicz is a Democrat candidate for Maine State Senate. In Colleen’s online fantasy world, she gets away with crude, vicious and violent comments like the ones below. Maine needs a State Senator that lives in the real world, not in Colleen’s fantasy world.”

Yes, this is an actual website set up by the Maine Republican Party.

This whole situation is hilarious in the “you can’t believe it’s actually real” hilarious, kind of like in the beginning for the replacement refs for the NFL. To use the fact that she plays World of Warcraft as a political dig against her? It’d only be an understandable claim if the woman played Second Life.

Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 2)

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Last week, I explained the executive branch. This week, it’s the legislative branch. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 2)

Bullying is kind of religion’s thing

The Michigan Senate passed an anti-bullying bill, yet the father of the boy for whom the bill was named is unhappy, proving you just can’t please some people.

Kevin Epling, whose son Matt Epling killed himself in 2002 after being bullied, objects to a last minute addition to the bill by Republican senators that forbids schools from prohibiting any “statement of a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction.” Epling believes this means that any old bully can still harass their fellow students and hide behind their religion.

But, Epling isn’t a Republican, so he just doesn’t understand why it’s important to protect, say, Muslim students declaring a jihad against Christian or Jewish classmates. Or vegan students threatening any student who participates in Biology lad dissections. What is Epling, anyway? Anti-La Raza or something?

Seriously, what a pussy. (Which we can say as a tenet of our Seventh Day Aggravist faith.)

Prove it by taking a shower with us

There are certain sentences that, when uttered, assure the world that you have no hope of ever winning your election:

  • “I don’t have to tell anyone where I buried her.”
  • “Is it just me, or are Laotians kind of smarmy?”
  • “YEEEAAAAAAARGH!”
  • “I’m not a witch.”

Delaware Republican Senate candidate and late night television darling, Christine O’Donnell released a new ad, saying that she is–in fact–“not a witch.” She went on to claim that she is you.

Yes, you. Unless you’re a witch. Then she isn’t you.

… Or is she? Don’t look in the mirror!

Dumbasses don’t deny dumbass claim

We’re not saying the Birthers are dumbasses, but Colorado GOP Senate candidate Ken Buck did.

Buck expressed frustration with the “dumbass” Birthers that keep showing up to his rallies and making the news. He told a Democrat operative that he wishes they would just shut the f@#k up, asking him or her to “tell those dumbasses at the Tea Party to stop asking questions about birth certificates while I’m on camera.”

Fortunately for Buck, the Birthers are a voting bloc that’s too stupid to be insulted.

9/12 Project Colorado Coalition leader, Lu Busse, only noticed that her candidate used some naughty language [emphasis ours]:

“‘He could have not called us a name,’ said Busse. ‘It would have been better to say, “Why do these people” and he shouldn’t have used a bad name, but I don’t see it as he meant anything personal to me or to the other people in the Tea Party movement.'”

What a dumbass.

Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Note from Snee: Normally, you would find the ranting of a handsome man in this space. However, I’ve been offered the deal of a lifetime this week: selling my space this week to a Congressional candidate and taking the day off. See you next week, suckers!

Hi, I’m Rand Paul.

Some of you might know me because of my father, always-a-Senator-and-never-a-President Ron Paul. Others of you might know me from my practice as an ophthalmologist. (Whew! Thanks, Spell-Check!) And some of you might have already voted for me in the Republican primary and look forward to voting for me in the Kentucky general election.

Thank you for your support so far, but I’m not writing to you today.

Under the advisement of my new campaign manager, the talented and non-classically-attractive Rick Snee, I am writing in this SeriouslyGuys space to express some SeriouslyOpinions. (He assured me that his millions of readers would find this hilarious.) Continue reading Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant