Tag: senate

Goodnight, sweet high flying jet prince

“If we can give hundreds of billions of dollars away to banks, under two billion for some more high tech fighter craft doesn’t sound so bad, right?”

“No.”

“Well, how about a jet that doesn’t have that great of a design, but is still functional?”

“No.”

“Aw.”

That’s essentially what happened at Congress on Tuesday. The majority of the Senate, in a 58-40 vote, sided with President Obama and cut the money for making F-22’s. Which, in all honesty, is a smart and logical move. The F-22 is a bucket wheel excavator when we generally just need to dig a few fence posts. It’s totally awesome to see in person when it’s moving, but it’s neither cost-effective nor necessary.

Sorry Michael Bay-looks like you’re gonna need a new Starscream.

You Missed It: What about white guys? edition

If you are reading this, odds are you are not on vacation right now. That’s a good thing, because I am not either, yet it seems that half the world has decided to take their vacation now. If I have to suffer, I’m glad you’re here to suffer with me. If you were busy getting psyched up for the anniversary of the moon landing this week, odds are you missed it.

Next up on C-SPAN theater
Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor faced several days of senators trying to get in the best sound bite while wrapping it up somehow in the form of a question. In response, Sotomayor responded in an honest, totally not-coached way. But through it all, the most important issue emerged: Sotomayor, pinned by questions, was forced to admit that she is in fact a “Latina woman.”

Oh yeah? Well ‘The Dark Knight’ still holds the top spot!
The latest Harry Potter movie, which we believe has something to do with Harry Potter and a prince of half-blood–or something along those lines, brought in $58 million in a single day, making it the best opening for any of the series, and fourth of any movie ever released. This just goes to show, if you make a movie about a kid’s book exciting enough for children, but dark enough and sexy enough for adults, both demographics will meet in a creepy, creepy middle.

If I have to watch that “Roosevelts” Taco Bell commercial one more time …
Major League Baseball, for the most part, was on a break earlier this week, but fortunately, your baseball viewing was in overtime. The Home Run Derby lasted nearly a fortnight, which resulted in Chris Berman running out of “Back back back back”s (followed by the celebrity softball game, which you know you stuck around for), while the All-Star Game itself clocked in at under three hours. Say, did you know that Albert Pujols plays for the St. Louis Cardinals, where the All-Star Game was being played? Did you know that Fox announcer Joe “Slamalama Ding-Dong” Buck’s father was a famous announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals, where the All-Star Game was being played? In case you didn’t, ESPN and FOX saw to it to remind you once or twice.

Only Americans are killed with guns

After last week’s shooting spree at the American Civic Association, an immigrant education center, in Birmingham, New York, Sen. Charles Schumer has proposed a bill to posthumously award citizenship to those who were killed before becoming United Statesians.

Since the U.S. has the highest gun death rate above the other 20 richest nations, it does seem a purely American act to die in a random shooting spree. Let’s bury them each with a Big Mac and call it American tragedy.

Another win for intelligence! We did it!

The big meanies up in Utah decided to create a little thing called HB 353. What is HB 353, other than the worst nightmares of Satan, Hitler and John Lennon all rolled up into one? It’s a video game and movie bill brought about originally by Jack Thompson, in which stiffer fines to video game retailers and movie theaters that gave minors access to games or movies rated above their age level would be added. Also, it’s a giant leap in logic that doesn’t actually look for true accountability (i.e., most parents). So what’s the big hub-bub?

It breezed through the Utah House and Senate by wide margins and it was expected that Governor Jon Huntsman of Utah would back it as well. Not so.

“While protecting children from inappropriate materials is a laudable goal, the language of this bill is so broad that it likely will be struck down by the courts as an unconstitutional violation of the Dormant Commerce Clause and/or the First Amendment,” explained Huntsman. “The industries most affected by this new requirement indicated that rather than risk being held liable under this bill, they would likely choose to no longer issue age appropriate labels on goods and services.

“Therefore, the unintended consequence of the bill would be that parents and children would have no labels to guide them in determining the age appropriateness of the goods or service, thereby increasing children’s potential exposure to something they or their parents would have otherwise determined was inappropriate under the voluntary labeling system now being recognized and embraced by a significant majority of vendors.”

It’s a well known fact that I’m a bit of a major spelling and grammar nazi. Nonetheless, I’ve never been more happy to see sloppy writing. Well, that and some major lobbying by the video game industry. A big and hearty congratulations to everyone who helped knock the bill proposal down. You’ve earned it.

Comedy writers prepare for June 8 Palin speech

Comedy writers ranging from The Daily Show to blogs like this and even your mom’s weekly “hee-mail” are cracking their knuckles, getting ready for a return to the good old days before economic reports and Jim Cramer.

For the first time since two weeks ago, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will return to the public eye on June 8 as the keynote speaker at the annual Republican Senate-House Dinner. Writers are licking their chops, already backfiling graphics requests for Palin’s head photoshopped onto various scenes, like on an iceflow or at a klansmeeting.

In some cases, we’ve received reports of Web sites having already written their articles upon the AP news release. They figure Palin will rehash the latest GOP talking points, plus a few “alsos” and “such ases,” and the rest of their stories would only require minor edits from there.

We, here at SG, however, will just file our story now:

Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin.

Joe the Attention Whore

Joe the Plumber, who became famous this past election for the job he doesn’t actually do and a name he doesn’t actually have, may run for Senate.

Republican Senator George Voinovich (What’s with political names this year?) will reportedly announce that he will not run for re-election. Joe (Samuel) has already expressed interest in Democratic Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur’s seat, and he’s also pretending to be a news reporter in Israel right now. So, when it comes to delusions of grandeur, the sky’s the limit for this plumber ( …?).

Of course, if Joe (Samuel) doesn’t actually win the election, that shouldn’t stop him from calling himself Joe the Senator. Either way, he’s voting to give himself a raise.

Please detonate on or before 12-2-2013

It’s that most wonderful time of year, again. Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? The halls are being decked with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la.

(La-la la la.)

And, of course, Congress is warning us that terrorists could kill us within the next five years using weapons of mass destruction.

A prize-winning panel — at least one that earned a blue ribbon — believes that a biological or nuclear attack is likely between now and 2013. After that, the window of attack is closed and terrorists will have to use pointy sticks or something.

So, remember, these next five years are borrowed time. According to former Senator Bob Graham, we could be looking at “9/11 times 10 or a hundred.”

9,110 or even 91,100, people. We don’t even have calendars that read like that.

In related news, Congress doesn’t know that the elections are already over.

Update (5:51 PM):
OK, just checked the math. Actually,

(9/11) * 10 = 8.181818…

and

(9/11) * 100 = 81.818181…

Still, this does not compute on any reassuring calendar known to Americans.

History repeats itself (yet again [again])

Hey Kentucky SG-ites, it’s time to meet your Senate candidates!

Up first: former tough guy actor Sonny Landham, who is running for Senate in Kentucky, had a burgeoning career in hardcore porn movies, but had that cut short with bit parts in several 1980s movies like Poltergeist, 48 Hours and Predator. He’s not ashamed to admit it either, because that would still make him only the third weirdest member of the Predator cast to be elected governor of a U.S. state.

The Guys are pretty sure he’s talking about his early “blue film” filmography, but, hey, I wouldn’t exactly be proud of being in 48 Hours either.