Tag: sentence

Supremely good news, bad news

OK, so the U.S. Supreme Court has good news and bad news. Which would you like first?

We’re sorry. You should speak up louder when addressing your computer, especially if you’re at work. We’ll just assume you said, “Good news first.”

The good news is that if you’re a a juvenile delinquent, then you can no longer receive a life sentence for your crimes unless you kill someone … intentionally. So, this is kind of bad news if you’re a parent and lack the stones to “take out” the bad seed you “brought in to this world.” The system won’t do it for you anymore. (That’s not our “bad news,” though.)

The bad news is that you can still be held indefinitely for sex crimes, which are not murder. So, if you’re gonna have sex with your high school girlfriend (assuming you’re in high school or a famous film director), make sure you have her parents’ consent first.

So, keep your hands gloved and your hard drive clean; otherwise, you’re grounded for life.

Bernie Madoff free to con again in 150 years

In what must be the most disappointing sentence in the history of U.S. criminal justice, Bernie Madoff received a mere 150 years of prison time for his crimes of “11-count information charging securities fraud, investment adviser fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, three counts of money laundering, false statements, perjury, false filings with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and theft from an employee benefit plan.”

Worse, yet, is that our nation’s worst white-collar criminal will be held in a U.S. prison, which means he will have access to lawyers and other inmates. He could possibly escape or even plan more economic attacks while behind bars.

And the biggest blow of all? Thanks to this paltry slap-on-the-beRolexed-wrist, our economy is still dire. Don’t these justices understand that the Money Gods require blood?!