Tag: sex offender

In his defense, he’s got a thing for flat girls

If you’re a convicted sex offender, you probably shouldn’t:

  • be intoxicated in public
  • stumble into a pharmacy
  • kiss a cardboard cutout of a woman in a sunglasses display
  • grope a cardboard cutout of a woman
  • yell and scream when you’re caught
  • do all of the above at the same time

Why? Well, actions like those tend to come with consequences of the monetary kind in the form of a fine and of the legal kind in the form of being arrested. Along with that, if you’re a level 3 sex offender, much like Charlie Price, then it doesn’t reflect well upon your chances of probation ending with a smile and a handshake.

Knowledge for life!

“It’s called dedication. Not that YOU would know anything about that.”

All of you are familiar with the fight or flight concept, right? Personally, I’m a flight-type of guy, but not everyone is. Rick Snee Some people like to put up their dukes like they’re the spitting image of Notre Dame’s mascot. Some people, like me, like to take off as if they were competing against The Flash and Jesse Owens in a track match for omnipotence.

Convicted sex offender Paul Reid is similar to me in that regard. After giving evidence in his trial, Reid slipped his handcuffs and took off. Not one for tomfoolery, malarkey and other such nonsense, Judge Douglas Mark Moore did the only sensible thing a judge should do in the situation: he rugby-tackled Reid down to the ground.

“As he went through the door his honour Judge Marks Moore grabbed him round the throat to try to bring him down.” After falling down three steps together Reid broke free but the judge gave chase. As Reid was about to open a push-handle fire door, Judge Moore rugby-tackled him around the waist and brought him crashing to the ground, landing on top of him.

Look, I don’t know about you, but that’s my anti-crime deterrent.

Supremely good news, bad news

OK, so the U.S. Supreme Court has good news and bad news. Which would you like first?

We’re sorry. You should speak up louder when addressing your computer, especially if you’re at work. We’ll just assume you said, “Good news first.”

The good news is that if you’re a a juvenile delinquent, then you can no longer receive a life sentence for your crimes unless you kill someone … intentionally. So, this is kind of bad news if you’re a parent and lack the stones to “take out” the bad seed you “brought in to this world.” The system won’t do it for you anymore. (That’s not our “bad news,” though.)

The bad news is that you can still be held indefinitely for sex crimes, which are not murder. So, if you’re gonna have sex with your high school girlfriend (assuming you’re in high school or a famous film director), make sure you have her parents’ consent first.

So, keep your hands gloved and your hard drive clean; otherwise, you’re grounded for life.

Shagging a sheep does not make someone a sex offender

But, man oh man, is it still ever just wrong. And outside of West Virginia no less? Unheard of.

A court ruled this week that a man who sodomized a sheep will not have to register as a sex offender because the sheep cannot be considered a victim of sexual assault under Michigan law. We hope that after the injured livestock gets back on her feet she organizes a protest—or at least buys the dude a box of inflatable sheep sex dolls, or maybe just becomes an anti-bestiality activist.

The guys can only hope that the man was using some truly brutal interrogation techniques on such an obvious war-time opponent. After all, love cannot bloom on the battlefield.