You Missed It: Sudden withdrawal edition

A sex scandal involving the representative from N.C.'s 2nd district would have been much juicer if Clay Aiken had won.
A sex scandal with McCarthy and the representative from N.C.’s 2nd district would have been much juicer if Clay Aiken had won.

Apparently there’s a pumpkin shortage this year. That seems odd, because every grocery store I’ve seen has been bursting with them. The real problem is how we’re using them. The grocery store just down the road from me is selling painted pumpkins. Painted. Pumpkins. You’re supposed to do two things with a pumpkin: eat it, and carve a jack-o-lantern. When you paint a stupid face on a pumpkin, you can’t do either. Is this a thing now? If you were busy getting released from prison this week, odds are you missed it.

House wrecker
House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy was having a decent week until he removed himself from consideration to be the next speaker of the House. According to reports, Speaker John Boehner’s hand-picked successor received an email this week threatening to expose an alleged affair with Rep. Renee Ellmers. And that is called being majority whipped.

There’s no emoji to get this right
Speaking of getting messages you don’t want, Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz had a headache of his own when his fiance sent a group text to all of the women he is cheating on her with. In her message, Elaina Watley introduced herself, and called out the other ladies for banging her fiance. It appears Cruz will be using his hands for more than just football.

Emo Royale
This week, while promoting his new movie, Spectre, actor Daniel Craig said he would rather slash his wrists than play James Bond again. Perhaps this is a peak at what the new movie will be like. That would explain why Sam Smith’s song for the film is so moody and bland.

Mich. lawmaker tries the ol’ fake male prostitute trick

When is a sex scandal not a sex scandal? When it’s a decoy.

Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser is a Christian, socially conservative Republican and a married father of four. So when an email surfaced suggesting that he bought the services of a male prostitute, eyebrows were raised–especially when it was revealed that Courser and faked and released the email himself. Turns out that he faked paying for gay sex to cover up an affair with state Rep. Cindy Gamrat, who is also married, has three children and is vocal about her faith. Courser’s logic was that after rumors about a male prostitute got out there, news of hetero-lawmaker-on-hetero-lawmaker action would seem tame.

The real tragedy here is that every time an official fakes a gay sex scandal, it casts a shadow of doubt on all the genuine gay sex scandals out there.

‘Very fun fit classy’ congressman resigns

We’re only a month into our latest class of the U.S. Congress, and we’ve got ourselves a sex scandal!

Rep. Chris Lee, R-N.Y., resigned after a camera phone photo of his naked torso was leaked onto gossipy-bitch Web site Gawker yesterday. The married father of one had emailed it to a woman on Craigslist, looking for a date.

While we think it’s ridiculous that any elected official needs to resign for doing something stupid, yet not illegal, we do believe that it’s time to set an age limit on camera phones. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Favre?

Spitzer hooker comes clean

(What? Why are you snickering?)

Just when no one could give a damn about Ashley Alexandre Dupre, the call girl who was linked to former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s downfall, she’s decided to try the next oldest profession: media attention whoring.

Just when Silda Wall Spitzer might have moved on, Dupre’s centerstage again, apologizing through newspapers, Diane Sawyer and anyone else who wants to hear about her music, fashion and — this just in — upcoming books.

She stressed in the Diane Sawyer interview that she will never delve into prositution again, and then followed that up with more details about her “strictly business” sex with Spitzer, including that he didn’t want to talk and that he used a condom when having sex with a whore.

Silda is apparently unavailable for comment as she hasn’t publicly expressed her relief at the release of these details and Dupre’s new fall fashion line.