Study: Millennials are killing sex, too

At least once a day you see an article written by some old person blaming Millennials for ruining society, as if they are making conscious decisions to murder book stores or malls and they alone are able to kill off these things. Looks like we’re probably not going to be having sex anymore, either, because Millennials are killing that, too. Thanks a lot, whatever generation is old enough to work but not yet have power.

According to a study of 16,000 people born in 1989 and 1990, who have been tracked since the age of 14, one in eight 26-year-olds is still a virgin. Researchers say it’s a response to the hypersexualized society they have grown up in, and the fear of their performance being ridiculed on social media.

But the real reason is that Millennials hate everything that is good, like record shops, smoking and napkins. This is what happens when you hand out participation trophies.

Study: The Brits would rather watch TV than shag

We live in a world where there is endless entertainment right at your fingertips. Unfortunately, it comes at the cost of our sex lives.

According to a new study in the U.K., people are increasingly using video streaming services between 10 and 11 p.m. That may not sound like anything special, but typically that’s around the time most couples are going to bed and getting it on. The study suggests that rather than sexing each other, people are streaming videos in bed.

On the other hand, good job for having such good programming, British media.

Study: Your lady thinks it’s hot when you do the dishes

There’s nothing sexier to a woman than doing chores together, according to a new study.

If you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to divide the chores evenly, a survey of U.S. couples found. Women who felt they did most of the work around the house were less likely to be satisfied in their relationship, as well as in the bedroom. Men didn’t really seem to associate the amount of chores with any other aspect of their relationship.

The study really highlights how hundreds of women can coordinate responses to a survey in a bid to change their man’s behavior. Sneaky stuff.

App plays music to keep you on rhythm during sex

It’s happened to everyone: you’re putting on some music to set the mood, only to find out that your selection just doesn’t have the beat you’re going for. Bed Beats is here to make this slight inconvenience a thing of the past.

Bed Beats is an app that’s been around for a year or so, but is only getting press now. It plays a the genre of music that you want, at the tempo you want for getting it on. No more getting offbeat (or the other way around) in bed, which someone out there must think is an issue. But if you think Bed Beats is some clever app that selects songs you’ve heard of based on their tempos, you’re wrong. It just has a selection of beats from different genres of music, and you can make it play faster or slower.

This is also helpful if you like to rap while doing it.

Chores are a waste of time

... right after you finish the laundry and dishes, vacuuming and mopping the floor, picking up the groceries ...
… right after you finish the laundry and dishes, vacuuming and mopping the floor, dusting, changing the bed linens, picking up the groceries …

For men who thought that sharing housework duties would make your relationship more fulfilling, that’s true … for your wife. A new study, however, found that it could mean less sex for you.

Couples in more egalitarian relationships where men performed “traditionally female chores — such as cooking, cleaning and shopping” reported having less sex than those couples in which the men performed “traditionally masculine tasks — such as yard work, paying bills and auto maintenance.” Men in the survey reported having sex an average 5.2 times a month, while women reported 5.6.

… Wait a minute. 5.2 versus 5.6?

And now we know: cooking, cleaning and shopping cut into valuable affair-having time — time that women now enjoy.

Ladies and their disgusting sexual loopholes

Gentlemen, if you’ve ever worried about s%#tting the bed that you share with a lady — maybe after a certain chilli peppers bet at the Wings Warehouse? — we have one suggestion: do it during sex.

A recent study published in PLoS One found that sexually aroused women were less disgusted while performing gross tasks than women who went in dry. The tasks included ones of a sexual nature (reaching into a bowl of used condoms) and of a non-sexual nature (handling a piece of feces smeared toilet paper). Don’t worry, though: none of the gross things were real. The condoms were merely opened, not used for sex, and the feces was chocolate filtered through a precocious labrador retriever puppy.

Afterwards, the women were asked to rate their disgust from 0 to 100. Sexually aroused women were considerably less disgusted than their dry peers performing sexually gross tasks, but only minorly less disgusted performing non-sexually gross ones. So, returning to the bed soiling example in the opening paragraph: fellas, you gotta make it a passionate dump. Women may think sex is gross, but they’re OK with gross if the mood is right.

This experiment also explains why men perform some of the most disgusting jobs in the world (i.e., garbage collection, flavored condom testing, gynecology, etc.): we’re always sexually aroused. Always.

The high cost of sex

Fornication is not free. When two people fornicate, the price will be high as there is always a cost. The better, the higher the price. The worse, the even higher the price. The freer, the highest of prices.

And, the louder, the higher. To the tune of roughly 4 grand in Australian funny money. Also, the male partner in the pairing will probably throw you under the bus at a moment’s notice.

“It is mostly Jessie,” [Colin MacKenzie] said.

“Hey baby, don’t be mad, it’s a … uh … compliment. Yeah, that’s it. A compliment!”

When life gives men lemons, those men f%&k them

People respond to stress in different ways. Some shut down, and others claim they can only produce under pressure. It turns out that men are more interested in reproducing under stress.

British researchers recently learned that men who are tasked with stressful tasks, like public speaking, become attracted to a wider range of women’s body mass indexes, including women who are larger than what they normally go for. This might come from picturing the audience naked.

Dieting women of the world responded with a resounding, “Are you f%@king kidding me?!”

Ladies need to keep up

Ladies, if you’ve ever wondered why men finish so much faster when it comes to mating, science finally has an answer: “Sex kills.”

That answer comes from Stefan Grief of the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology in Seewiesen, Germany, whose team studied bats that hone in on mating flies for buffet-style dining. At night, the flies hang out on the ceilings of barns, which makes them undetectable to bats. But, when the mood strikes, the flies become loud with passion, broadcasting their location.

This, along with other studies, prove that a number of species are at greater risk of predation during mating as the male is weakened and distracted while thinking of dead puppies so that you can finish, ladies. So, maybe the next time your man finishes too quickly, you should thank him. What if there was a bear nearby?

Take it from Snee: Lent Edition

If you’re of the Catholic persuasion, then you know that we are one week deep into Lent.

For everyone else: every year, shortly after Valentine’s Day, the Almighty decides that he’s tired of putting in all the work into this relationship — including that freaky four-way with his son and a ghost we asked for. After Mardis Gras, God sobers up and turns into the princess from A Knight’s Tale and asks us to prove our love by giving up something we love for 40 days.

I, for instance, gave up the slide whistle this year, which means 40 days of stern erections: a price my wife will just have to pay. In prior years, I’ve given up monologuing in the shower, checking my tissues for productive noseblowings and Chalupas because

  1. It has to be something difficult to live without. (I ate nothing but Gorditos in 1998 to keep to my non-Chalupa agreement.)
  2. It can’t be a repeat.

But, you don’t have to be Catholic to participate. In fact, Muslims have their own version, Ramadan, while Evangelical Protestants swear off of gay sex for their entire lives — which often leads to failure for extending it beyond the Lent season.

It is in this Christian spirit that I’ve prescribed some Lent suggestions to others. Who knows? Maybe it will change their lives permanently for the better. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lent Edition