Tagged: sex

| Filed under Sex Sells, War on Robots

Robots need love, too

Robots are taking our jobs, and will eventually rise up and enslave us one day. But can they be fun in the meantime? We create robots to disarm bombs or fly and drop bombs. We build some robots to look like us, so we don’t feel lonely. And because we’re humans and it’s what we do, we’re working to build sexy robots. But what if they’re not in the mood?

A Spanish engineer has created a robot that you can have sex with, but you have to get it in the mood. “Samantha” looks like a mannequin, but apparently is anatomically correct, and needs some romance and even hugging and kissing in order to get turned on. Also, she likes to plan Ed Sheeran songs on Pandora.

If this hasn’t made you question why Samantha even exists, she can be yours for just over $5,000, which can probably buy you better companionship with real people.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Study: Netflix is C-blocking you

Technology has shaped the modern world, and it has brought us a golden age of entertainment. But these technological advancements come with a steep price. “Netflix and chill” might be a lie, it turns out.

According to a new study, we’re not having as much sex as we used to. In fact, if you’re married, you’re in the biggest sexual rut of your life. (We’re not saying it, science is saying it.) In 1990, American married couples had sex an average of 73 times a year, but that dropped to just 55 times a year in 2014. Among the reasons for this decline in sexual activity researchers blamed were on-demand entertainment, such as your DVR, Netflix or even YouTube. Because we’re not as bored at night, we’re no longer turning to our spouses for entertainment.

Also listed as a C-block was having children. Parents are having kids later in life these days, and taking care of young kids really kills the mood.

This raises the question: Being a parent might extend your life, but is that life really worth living?

| Filed under Sex Sells

Swedish town may enact the paid funch

Sweden, the land of cheap furniture and imaginary terrorist attacks, could soon have another great thing going for it.

One town council member there has suggested that citizens be allowed to take an hour off from work to go home and bang. Sweden already has a mandated coffee breaks during the day, but this could take things a step further. Under the proposal, workers would have a paid one-hour break to go home and spend time with their partner, and we all know what that really means. Critics say the rule would be unenforceable, as workers could simply spend their paid break doing anything.

Besides, they should only need a minute or two, or is that just us?

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Science: Doing it is key to heart health

If you want to keep your heart healthy, you should be having sex more often, according to researchers.

Prospective cardiologist Johannes Hinrich von Borste has reviewed the data, and found that the having of the sex helps lower blood pressure. In part, because it’s a workout, but also because of the chemicals your brain releases. Von Borste also recommends eating raw garlic daily to keep your heart healthy, but doesn’t mention how you’re supposed to be knocking boots more if you have the garlic burps.

Not that The Guys have any trouble, amiright? High five!

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Tiny spaces edition

The government says you can just use a toothpick after eating this.
The government says you can just use a toothpick after eating this.

The 2016 Rio Olympics are finally here, and it’s going to be a literal s&%$ show. From the toxic water, to the incomplete facilities and the guest appearance of the Zika virus, this just isn’t looking good. Given what we’ve seen so far, I will be shocked if we don’t see some sort of major security or public health issue arise as a result of these games. Maybe we need to stop doing this, or just having them in the same place every time. If you were busy picking a fight with a baby this week, odds are you missed it.

Obama administration’s greatest accomplishment
This week, a bombshell of a story was released, finding that for the first time since 1979, the federal government’s dietary guidelines did not include flossing your teeth. The government acknowledged that there was no scientific evidence that flossing daily made a significant impact on one’s oral health. So that thing you never did in the first place? Keep on not doing it.

Dr. Moreau’s funding restored
The National Institutes of Health this week lifted its ban on funding experiments creating part-human, part-animal embryos. This is great news, because I was having a lot of trouble creating my army of centaurs with my own measly funds.

Virginia is for lovers of meth
The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested this week after authorities said he tried to give an undercover police officer methamphetamine in exchange for sex. That mayor’s name: Rob Ford.,

| Filed under Sex Sells, War on Robots

Rise of the sex machines

Sex robot Jude Law has seen some things. Horrible things.
Sex robot Jude Law has seen some things. Horrible things.

The long war on masculinity continues, as women work harder to make men wholly unnecessary in their lives. This time, it’s in the bedroom.

In as soon as 10 years from now, women will be hooking up with robots more than they are with men, according to futurologist Ian Pearson. He projects that since the sex machine industry is booming, with advancements coming all the time, we’re not far off from having robots resembling humans who can do the deed (SFW if you don’t scroll down). Women will turn to these more and more as the stigma fades over decades, he predicts.

Another job eliminated by machines.

| Filed under Sex Sells

The best part of waking up

Unless you’re a banker or cheese enthusiast, you’ve probably never felt the urge to travel to Switzerland. After a new cafe opens in Geneva, you may actually consider moving there.

A full-service cafe is in the works for the city, and by “full service,” we mean, “full-service.” Coffee enthusiasts would be able to enjoy their morning cup accompanied by oral sex from the prostitute of their choice. The business plan is sure to keep them coming back. Order your unusually expensive coffee, then select on an iPad the prostitute you want for your new favorite morning ritual. The cafe would be the first of its kind in Switzerland if it is approved.

The down side is that the cafe is sure to have long lines due to slow service.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Study: Adult movies make you go to church

People who are frightened of things like to say that we’re not as good as we used to be, saying we’re losing our morality. They love to say technology is the cause of this. But it turns out, it may be making us more religious.

According to a recent study, if you watch porn regularly, there’s a good chance you’ll start attending church regularly. This flies in the face of what Bible beaters have been saying as long as there have been Bibles to beat. A survey of about 1,200 people found a connection between viewing frequency and how often they attend religious services. The theory is that the more people watch, the more they feel guilty and seek religion.

So God may be watching you, but he also knows he’ll see you on Sunday.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Orange is the new red state edition

Fiorina also holds the title for least successful stage dive.
Fiorina also holds the title for least successful stage dive.

I’m surprised by how many people are complaining now that there are no good candidates to vote for in the presidential election. There never were. A year ago, there wasn’t a single candidate that got me excited. I don’t know what dream you people were chasing. From the outset, the most viable candidates on either side were seen as such purely for their last names. And now we can look back on that concern as quaint and innocent. There were never any good candidates, there are just fewer bad ones to choose from. If you were busy celebrating Cinco de Mayo this week, odds are you missed it.

We live in an alternate universe
This week, Donald Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, thus ending Carly Fiorina’s record-short vice presidential bid. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders said the Democratic National Convention will be contested … for some reason. It’s good to see that poor decision making doesn’t belong to one party, isn’t it?

A challenge American can handle
It was announced that the U.S. is in the midst of a cheese surplus. According to the Department of Agriculture, a glut of milk has lead to increased cheese production. At the same time, we’re importing a lot of cheese from Europe. Cheesemongers are flooding the market. So don’t be shocked if you start seeing cheese in exciting new products, like a cheese-stuffed burger, cheese-stuffed fries, or to capitalize on the breakfast food craze, cheese-stuffed pillows.

Drivers will have hands at 6 o’clock
Analysts said this week that self-driving cars will give occupants more free time than ever, and naturally, one of the top activities will be sex. Just imagine how different driver’s ed will be if these guys are right.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Seniors active in the bedroom also active mentally, science says

It turns out that having sex when you’re older can help you fight off dementia, according to a recent study. (We know thinking about old people and sex isn’t a great way to hook you, but this information could come in handy years from now, so read on.)

According to researchers Coventry University in the U.K., people surveyed 50 and 89 who had sex regularly tended to have better cognitive function. In all, more than 6,800 people were surveyed on their sex lives, and given simple memory tests. Both men and women who were sexually active did better on the tests. It’s the strongest evidence yet that you should buy your grandfather the hooker he’s been asking for.

“Science says you have to bang me if you want me to remember you in the morning,” is now an acceptable and true line for you to use when you’re over 50. And there’s nothing wrong with preventative measures if you’re younger.