Chores are a waste of time

... right after you finish the laundry and dishes, vacuuming and mopping the floor, picking up the groceries ...
… right after you finish the laundry and dishes, vacuuming and mopping the floor, dusting, changing the bed linens, picking up the groceries …

For men who thought that sharing housework duties would make your relationship more fulfilling, that’s true … for your wife. A new study, however, found that it could mean less sex for you.

Couples in more egalitarian relationships where men performed “traditionally female chores — such as cooking, cleaning and shopping” reported having less sex than those couples in which the men performed “traditionally masculine tasks — such as yard work, paying bills and auto maintenance.” Men in the survey reported having sex an average 5.2 times a month, while women reported 5.6.

… Wait a minute. 5.2 versus 5.6?

And now we know: cooking, cleaning and shopping cut into valuable affair-having time — time that women now enjoy.

Ladies and their disgusting sexual loopholes

Gentlemen, if you’ve ever worried about s%#tting the bed that you share with a lady — maybe after a certain chilli peppers bet at the Wings Warehouse? — we have one suggestion: do it during sex.

A recent study published in PLoS One found that sexually aroused women were less disgusted while performing gross tasks than women who went in dry. The tasks included ones of a sexual nature (reaching into a bowl of used condoms) and of a non-sexual nature (handling a piece of feces smeared toilet paper). Don’t worry, though: none of the gross things were real. The condoms were merely opened, not used for sex, and the feces was chocolate filtered through a precocious labrador retriever puppy.

Afterwards, the women were asked to rate their disgust from 0 to 100. Sexually aroused women were considerably less disgusted than their dry peers performing sexually gross tasks, but only minorly less disgusted performing non-sexually gross ones. So, returning to the bed soiling example in the opening paragraph: fellas, you gotta make it a passionate dump. Women may think sex is gross, but they’re OK with gross if the mood is right.

This experiment also explains why men perform some of the most disgusting jobs in the world (i.e., garbage collection, flavored condom testing, gynecology, etc.): we’re always sexually aroused. Always.

The high cost of sex

Fornication is not free. When two people fornicate, the price will be high as there is always a cost. The better, the higher the price. The worse, the even higher the price. The freer, the highest of prices.

And, the louder, the higher. To the tune of roughly 4 grand in Australian funny money. Also, the male partner in the pairing will probably throw you under the bus at a moment’s notice.

“It is mostly Jessie,” [Colin MacKenzie] said.

“Hey baby, don’t be mad, it’s a … uh … compliment. Yeah, that’s it. A compliment!”

When life gives men lemons, those men f%&k them

People respond to stress in different ways. Some shut down, and others claim they can only produce under pressure. It turns out that men are more interested in reproducing under stress.

British researchers recently learned that men who are tasked with stressful tasks, like public speaking, become attracted to a wider range of women’s body mass indexes, including women who are larger than what they normally go for. This might come from picturing the audience naked.

Dieting women of the world responded with a resounding, “Are you f%@king kidding me?!”

Ladies need to keep up

Ladies, if you’ve ever wondered why men finish so much faster when it comes to mating, science finally has an answer: “Sex kills.”

That answer comes from Stefan Grief of the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology in Seewiesen, Germany, whose team studied bats that hone in on mating flies for buffet-style dining. At night, the flies hang out on the ceilings of barns, which makes them undetectable to bats. But, when the mood strikes, the flies become loud with passion, broadcasting their location.

This, along with other studies, prove that a number of species are at greater risk of predation during mating as the male is weakened and distracted while thinking of dead puppies so that you can finish, ladies. So, maybe the next time your man finishes too quickly, you should thank him. What if there was a bear nearby?

Take it from Snee: Lent Edition

If you’re of the Catholic persuasion, then you know that we are one week deep into Lent.

For everyone else: every year, shortly after Valentine’s Day, the Almighty decides that he’s tired of putting in all the work into this relationship — including that freaky four-way with his son and a ghost we asked for. After Mardis Gras, God sobers up and turns into the princess from A Knight’s Tale and asks us to prove our love by giving up something we love for 40 days.

I, for instance, gave up the slide whistle this year, which means 40 days of stern erections: a price my wife will just have to pay. In prior years, I’ve given up monologuing in the shower, checking my tissues for productive noseblowings and Chalupas because

  1. It has to be something difficult to live without. (I ate nothing but Gorditos in 1998 to keep to my non-Chalupa agreement.)
  2. It can’t be a repeat.

But, you don’t have to be Catholic to participate. In fact, Muslims have their own version, Ramadan, while Evangelical Protestants swear off of gay sex for their entire lives — which often leads to failure for extending it beyond the Lent season.

It is in this Christian spirit that I’ve prescribed some Lent suggestions to others. Who knows? Maybe it will change their lives permanently for the better. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lent Edition

Ask Dr. Snee: Samson Agontestes

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is it that at the slightest touch, like when I bump them into a shopping cart, does it hurt my balls excruciatingly, but when I’m pounding away during sex, they’re slapping against her and everything feels fine? Do my balls have superpowers?

— Micah C.

The testicles, which you refer to as your “balls,” are incredibly sensitive part of the anatomy that nearly all vertebrate males share. This is why, when someone tells you to “show a little backbone,” you are socially obligated to display your testes in any method of your choosing. I personally prefer “The Brain” because, like a furry misshapen Epcot Ball, it’s fun and educational.

As sensitive as testicles are, you’d assume that a kind and intelligent creator would put them in the center of the body, farthest away from harm, like your heart or uvula. But since God is dead, they dangle there, front and center with maybe a large enough penis to cover them if you’re not wearing briefs. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Samson Agontestes

Monkey see, monkey impulse buy

If Mad Men has taught us anything, it’s that advertising takes a lot of booze, cigarettes and whoring-around. So, it doesn’t surprise us that–when particularly cutting edge or risky–it takes some serious animal research, too.

Just for the record, we think there’s always room for red Jell-O with lady Capuchin genitals.

We just hope it has 10 fingers, 10 toes and four penises

Gallup conducted a special poll to confirm whether or not American parents’ preference for boys has changed since the 1940s. It has not.

But, what is fascinating is how those preferences skewed slightly depending on demographics. Younger respondents wanted boys. College-educated people and liberals wanted girls.

And after those genetic dice are rolled and you start to hate your spouse? Divorced parents were more likely to split custody over sons, but couples with daughters were more likely to divorce, period.

What the poll forgot to mention is that, no matter what you get, they will pee on your stuff.

The Real Story: ‘Person-years’

Sometimes, everything you need to know in a story is right there in the first sentence. Sometimes, its buried further down. And, sometimes, its buried so deep that the story itself is about something else entirely. That’s where “The Real Story” comes in.

According to Time, the story is that China has started distributing free antiretroviral treatments to 63 percent of those in their population who are  infected with HIV. The other 37 percent? Not so much, because they got pre-AIDS from sex or drug use.

In order for this item to be news, this would mean believing that the Chinese government can do anything without at least one evil element.

No, the real story here is how the worldwide medical community rates the effectiveness of antiretroviral treatment: in “person-years,” or “an estimate of the number of years that would have been lost due to early death from AIDS.”

We’re sorry. Your dog may be 12 in “dog years,” but in “person-years?” Barkplug has AIDS.