I’m surprised by how many people are complaining now that there are no good candidates to vote for in the presidential election. There never were. A year ago, there wasn’t a single candidate that got me excited. I don’t know what dream you people were chasing. From the outset, the most viable candidates on either side were seen as such purely for their last names. And now we can look back on that concern as quaint and innocent. There were never any good candidates, there are just fewer bad ones to choose from. If you were busy celebrating Cinco de Mayo this week, odds are you missed it.
We live in an alternate universe
This week, Donald Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, thus ending Carly Fiorina’s record-short vice presidential bid. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders said the Democratic National Convention will be contested … for some reason. It’s good to see that poor decision making doesn’t belong to one party, isn’t it?
A challenge American can handle
It was announced that the U.S. is in the midst of a cheese surplus. According to the Department of Agriculture, a glut of milk has lead to increased cheese production. At the same time, we’re importing a lot of cheese from Europe. Cheesemongers are flooding the market. So don’t be shocked if you start seeing cheese in exciting new products, like a cheese-stuffed burger, cheese-stuffed fries, or to capitalize on the breakfast food craze, cheese-stuffed pillows.
Drivers will have hands at 6 o’clock
Analysts said this week that self-driving cars will give occupants more free time than ever, and naturally, one of the top activities will be sex. Just imagine how different driver’s ed will be if these guys are right.
It turns out that having sex when you’re older can help you fight off dementia, according to a recent study. (We know thinking about old people and sex isn’t a great way to hook you, but this information could come in handy years from now, so read on.)
“Science says you have to bang me if you want me to remember you in the morning,” is now an acceptable and true line for you to use when you’re over 50. And there’s nothing wrong with preventative measures if you’re younger.
Ready to have your day ruined? Good, because we’re about to do just that.
According to a a recent study, you will never be more satisfied with your sex life than when you are getting it only once a week. We’ll repeat that: Once a week is the peak of sexual happiness. Researchers at the University of Toronto-Mississauga studied couples sexual habits, and found that both parties reported the most satisfaction, all things considered, when they were knocking boots only once every seven days. Any higher frequency, and things just weren’t as great. We don’t need to tell you that less than once a week didn’t make people happy, either. This is the second study in recent months telling us to cool it between the sheets. But what does science know?
Airports are miserable places. They are filled with delays, lines, and worst of all, other people. But the Portugese are way ahead of us when it comes to making going to the airport a more pleasant experience.
Admit it, you’ve thought about banging C-3PO. And that’s exactly what scientists are worried about.
While the scientific community is afraid that machines will one day rise up and enslave us, it’s also worried that we’re going to use them for sex until then. (That would kind of justify their uprising, now that we think about it.) Researchers Kathleen Richardson and Erik Billing have launched the Campaign Against Sex Robots, which isn’t even a fun acronym. They want to spread the word that creating pleasurebots may not be the best thing for humanity.
“The danger of sex robots … [is] a reality — a reality where the human (male) user is expected to turn on his woman robot companion for his own, lone, pleasure. I think most of us would agree that this is very far from a healthy, mutual, sexual relationship,” said Billing.
Woah, “relationship?” This was supposed to be purely about sex. No one likes a clingy robot.
If you’re married and having a lot of sex, odds are you’re not as happy as you think you are. Hey, we’re not saying it, science is.
According to a study at Carnegie Mellon University, heterosexual married couples who increased the frequency of their having of the sex reported a slight decrease in their overall happiness and satisfaction with the intercourse. Meanwhile, a similar group that had the sexy sexy (medical term) at their normal frequency reported no real change in their happiness or satisfaction.
So there you have it, married people. Your relationship is destined to be just one long plateau, no good days or bad days, for all eternity. Doesn’t that sound exciting?
Science makes all sorts of weird, unexpected discoveries in experiments where said discovery wasn’t even being tested or a even a suspected factor. A good example is when some radar technician invented the microwave by accidentally melting a candy bar in his pocket, earning himself a cool, $2.00 bonus from Raytheon, too.
Take a look at yourself. You’re not getting any younger. From this point on, this is most likely the best you will look for the rest of your life, and it’s the same tomorrow and the day after, just with incrementally diminishing results.
In short, with each and every passing day, fewer people want to have sex with you. Yep, the sex train has left the station, and you’re sitting with your bags in Hoboken.
Everyone wishes they had more vacation time (except for Americans, who don’t use a great deal of theirs), but some of them want it so much that they would give up on the things that make vacations so much fun.
According to a not-very-scientific survey, nearly a quarter of workers would go without sex for just one more day of vacation. That’s just crazy talk, the internet is proof of that. Meanwhile 54% said they could go without junk food, showing once again that no Americans participated in the survey. When it comes to booze, a whopping 48% said they would be OK without it, as long as they got 24 more hours of being paid not to work.
The Guys like to think of ourselves as debonair masters of seduction. Which is why we’re kind of surprised that our sexy voices don’t work. That’s according to some alleged research by psychologists at Albright College.
In the experiment, 20 men and 20 women tried their sexy voices — you know: deeper, smokier, less-Jerry Lewis-y (but not by that much) — on an audience of 40 people. And, according to those 40 people, men just couldn’t summon sexy if sexy were a rabid dingo and they were wearing a suit made of babies. “In fact,” said study author Susan Hughes, “although not significantly, it got a bit worse when men tried to sound sexy.”
But, we’re not feeling daunted. Perhaps it works for The Guys because we’re too sexy looking, so using ineffectual sexy talk makes us more accessible, sort of like Anne Hathaway’s … everything.