Science: Stop with the sex already

Ready to have your day ruined? Good, because we’re about to do just that.

According to a a recent study, you will never be more satisfied with your sex life than when you are getting it only once a week. We’ll repeat that: Once a week is the peak of sexual happiness. Researchers at the University of Toronto-Mississauga studied couples sexual habits, and found that both parties reported the most satisfaction, all things considered, when they were knocking boots only once every seven days. Any higher frequency, and things just weren’t as great. We don’t need to tell you that less than once a week didn’t make people happy, either. This is the second study in recent months telling us to cool it between the sheets. But what does science know?

But that’s probably just as well, because chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis are on the rise in the U.S. for the first time since 2006. We blame retirement homes. Hope you weren’t eating while reading this.

Airport shows sex scene on monitors, no one complains

Airports are miserable places. They are filled with delays, lines, and worst of all, other people. But the Portugese are way ahead of us when it comes to making going to the airport a more pleasant experience.

While waiting for their luggage at an airport in Lison, Portugal, new arrivals were treated to a graphic sex scene playing on the monitors around baggage carousels. It played for several minutes before someone fixed it. According to airport authorities, no one complained about the choice of entertainment.

Luckily, we show signs of catching up here in the U.S. A few weeks ago, sounds from an adult video were played over the loudspeakers in a Target in California. Because we’re prudes, people complained.

Keep your hands off the sexy robots, scientists say

The world's first sex machine.
The world’s first sex machine.

Admit it, you’ve thought about banging C-3PO. And that’s exactly what scientists are worried about.

While the scientific community is afraid that machines will one day rise up and enslave us, it’s also worried that we’re going to use them for sex until then. (That would kind of justify their uprising, now that we think about it.) Researchers Kathleen Richardson and Erik Billing have launched the Campaign Against Sex Robots, which isn’t even a fun acronym. They want to spread the word that creating pleasurebots may not be the best thing for humanity.

“The danger of sex robots … [is] a reality — a reality where the human (male) user is expected to turn on his woman robot companion for his own, lone, pleasure. I think most of us would agree that this is very far from a healthy, mutual, sexual relationship,” said Billing.

Woah, “relationship?” This was supposed to be purely about sex. No one likes a clingy robot.

Science: If you want a happy marriage, don’t have more sex

If you’re married and having a lot of sex, odds are you’re not as happy as you think you are. Hey, we’re not saying it, science is.

According to a study at Carnegie Mellon University, heterosexual married couples who increased the frequency of their having of the sex reported a slight decrease in their overall happiness and satisfaction with the intercourse. Meanwhile, a similar group that had the sexy sexy (medical term) at their normal frequency reported no real change in their happiness or satisfaction.

So there you have it, married people. Your relationship is destined to be just one long plateau, no good days or bad days, for all eternity. Doesn’t that sound exciting?

If they’ll make you a sandwich, they’ll probably put out

Lifehack: Tucking antibiotics into grilled cheese is an easy way to help bad pill swallowers take their VD meds.
Lifehack: Tucking antibiotics into grilled cheese is an easy way to help bad pill swallowers take their VD meds.

Science makes all sorts of weird, unexpected discoveries in experiments where said discovery wasn’t even being tested or a even a suspected factor. A good example is when some radar technician invented the microwave by accidentally melting a candy bar in his pocket, earning himself a cool, $2.00 bonus from Raytheon, too.

In that tradition, researchers at some social networking site we’ve never heard of (so it must be parent-free) called Skout discovered, while asking people about their grilled cheese habits, that 32 percent people who love grilled cheese have sex at least six times a month, but only 27 percent of non-grilled cheese lovers do the same.

It’s also possible that people who eat a lot of grilled cheese do so because it’s the only food they can afford with their sexy, sexy lifestyle.

‘Til death do you f*ck

"Got any plans after Jeopardy?"
“Got any plans after Jeopardy?”

Take a look at yourself. You’re not getting any younger. From this point on, this is most likely the best you will look for the rest of your life, and it’s the same tomorrow and the day after, just with incrementally diminishing results.

In short, with each and every passing day, fewer people want to have sex with you. Yep, the sex train has left the station, and you’re sitting with your bags in Hoboken.

But, when all is said and done, there’s one person who will take the bus to Poundtown with you, so long as you make the 50-year anniversary: your spouse. After all, who else is gonna do that (read: wrinkled you) when you’re 70 – 85 years old?

Survey: People value vacation time way more than they should

Everyone wishes they had more vacation time (except for Americans, who don’t use a great deal of theirs), but some of them want it so much that they would give up on the things that make vacations so much fun.

According to a not-very-scientific survey, nearly a quarter of workers would go without sex for just one more day of vacation. That’s just crazy talk, the internet is proof of that. Meanwhile 54% said they could go without junk food, showing once again that no Americans participated in the survey. When it comes to booze, a whopping 48% said they would be OK without it, as long as they got 24 more hours of being paid not to work.

This is what’s wrong with the world.

Hey, baby … no, wait. Come back.

Oh, yeah? If guys can't make sexy talk, then how did the Village People write an entire song about it?
Oh, yeah? If guys can’t make sexy talk, then how did the Village People write an entire song about it?

The Guys like to think of ourselves as debonair masters of seduction. Which is why we’re kind of surprised that our sexy voices don’t work. That’s according to some alleged research by psychologists at Albright College.

In the experiment, 20 men and 20 women tried their sexy voices — you know: deeper, smokier, less-Jerry Lewis-y (but not by that much) — on an audience of 40 people. And, according to those 40 people, men just couldn’t summon sexy if sexy were a rabid dingo and they were wearing a suit made of babies. “In fact,” said study author Susan Hughes, “although not significantly, it got a bit worse when men tried to sound sexy.”

But, we’re not feeling daunted. Perhaps it works for The Guys because we’re too sexy looking, so using ineffectual sexy talk makes us more accessible, sort of like Anne Hathaway’s … everything.

Press 1 to talk to your sexy physician

Maybe you’ve heard about this Obamacare thing. What you may not know is that covers sexy talk on the phone.

California’s health care exchange, called “Cover California,” had a lot of people rushing to sign up before the deadline a few days ago. The hearing impaired were given a number to help them sign up. It was one digit off.

After dialing, people were greeted with the following message:

Welcome to America’s hottest talk line. Ladies, to talk to interesting and exciting guys free, press one now. Guys, hot ladies are waiting to talk to you. Press two to connect free now.

When it comes to medicine, sometimes the old ways are the best. Health thyself.

The McBournie Minute: You have been poked

In the U.S., we tend to think of the British as uptight or overly formal, which may not be entirely accurate. It’s not our fault, they don’t really send us the best examples of their culture, even though we ceded PBS to them. If they’re not doing something magical, or being incredibly charming in a shy way, they are looking down at us for showing emotion or not having an unspoken caste system.

Sure, they gave us one of the greatest bands of all time (the Spice Girls), but aside from that, we just don’t see the passion in their culture. This could be why we see them as being generally cold or aloof to each other.

Yet paradoxically, some of them check Facebook while (whilst, for our outraged British readers) having sex. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: You have been poked