Silvio Berlusconi, the Guys’ favorite Italian prime minister, commented to newspaper La Repubblica that he is 74 years old and “even though I may be a bit of a rascal … 33 girls in two months seems to me too much even for a 30 year old ….”
“On top!” he added after a scripted dramatic pause.
Berlusconi then passed out Italian high-fives to all in attendance, which are like normal high-fives, but inside of an underage prostitute.
There are many different ways to have sex. The Kama Sutra lists hundreds of sexual positions, and that number is doubled if you add “in pudding” to each of them.
But, if your game includes a gun–and you’re not biatheletes–then perhaps it’s time to scale things back.
Arthur Sedille, 23, admitted to police that he killed his 50-year-old wife during sex while holding a gun to her head. Sedille claims that he was unaware that it was loaded and that they had used it often during fantasy sex sessions.
If the only way to get menopausal juices flowing is with a gun, then, son, you married too old.
(With special thanks to Sarah Lena.)
Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.
We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.
We found a new one for you to go after: texting.
Get panicking! Their next text could be the text that makes you a horrible mom or dad.
Angie L. Jenkins told a boy she played World of Warcraft with that she was 21. She’s actually 35. He told her he was 20. He was actually 15. Can we say romantic comedy?
After meeting in 2009, the pair developed a relationship that began online, moved to phone conversation and ultimately ended with a rendezvous in a car park in Amherst, New York, where the pair had sex, despite the unnamed boy being only 16 at the time. Jenkins has since been charged with “using the Internet to entice an underage person into sexual activity”, her undoing being that, during their earlier communications, the boy eventually and explicitly told her he was only 15, yet she kept up her pursuit, later telling a federal agent “it did not matter how old he was”. After all, love cares not for age nor legal status, right?
It’s not known at the moment just how Jenkins, a mother of five, was tracked down, but when the FBI got hold of her World of Warcraft username, all it took was an administrative subpoena to WoW developers Blizzard and they had her name and contact details. So, hey, you night elf and paladin in the corner over there-knock it off!
As providers of news and entertainment, The Guys listen good and hard when it comes to your tastes. In that vein, we bring you TEENAGE SEX!
Talk dirty to them
A New York City judge ruled that it was wrong for the Department of Education to suspend a sex education teacher for using vulgar terms in class. In the reading of his decision, Judge Jack Weinstein said, “At least she didn’t f#@k them.”
That’s a wrap
Washington, D.C. officials are now giving out bigger condoms to high school and college students after receiving complaints that the previous ones were too small and brittle. The male students are happier, adding that now they just need to find people to have sex with their “giant monster dongs.”
There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.
Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.
We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.
And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.
It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins
The pharmaceuticals industry has changed the way we view old age. Old men used to be creepy; now they’re creepy with boners.
As a result of Generation Viagra, women have fallen behind. While the average 55-year-old woman can remain sexually active for an additional 11 years, the average 55-year-old clinically-induced chubbie will continue to hump her leg until the undertaker forcibly restrains him.
If you thought that was bad enough, the fastest growing age group with STDs are the elderly. (Your grandmother apparently prefers to “ride bareback.”)
So, think about that next time you’re visiting older relatives.
As I established last “lightning round,” there are certain thoughts I have that don’t really make an entire Take it from Snee. They’re just ideas I save up from stories I read and, when the week’s particularly slow, I just ejaculate them into one gonzo post.
So, enjoy my brain ejaculations.
I promise to avoid your hair and those pants that are dry clean only. But you’re on your own for your eyes. You don’t like this? Keep ’em shut. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A few more things
As some of you may have heard they just held the Winter Olympics in Vancouver (the one in Canada). You probably heard about all the controversies, triumphs and manufactured story lines NBC could come up with. Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with that.
What I am here to talk to you about is drinking and screwing–Olympic style. You may not know it, they certainly don’t talk about it on television, but the Olympic village is one big romp. This is true. Apparently, a bunch of slender, fit, hormone-crazed people under the age of 27 mate like crazy, possibly in hopes of creating a master Olympic race, possibly because accents are so sexy.
But in Vancouver, the love was not restricted to the confines of the Olympic village. It made its way out to the public, too. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drink and screw like a champion today
So, in spite of rising STD and pregnancy rates, a new study claims that abstinence-only education is “working.”
If you’re anything like the Guys, you’re probably wondering, “How is that working?” Because the study moved the goalposts.
The success of abstinence-only education is now based on how many teens have sex afterwards. You know, because it’s OK if less teens have more babies and genital warts.
It may be like saying that there’s less overall crime, but there’s more rape and murder than ever. But at least we finally got littering under control!
