You’re doing it wrong

A bunch of people who are no good at sex are claiming their replacement habits are better than “it.” Among the activities listed in the CNN article are:

  • Wearing sexy shoes
  • Hiking
  • Mountain climbing
  • Looking at a baby’s smile (pervert)
  • Receiving money or praise
  • Shopping
  • Public speaking
  • Fine dining

OK, so even if we’re gonna admit these things are really, really nice, there’s still one question: what if you’re having sex while doing all that stuff?

Porn has taught us one thing: it can’t be better than sex if you could improve it with sex. (Take that, skydiving!) (OR, take that skydiving.)

US teens learn to lie during surveys

According to a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, US teens are more likely to lie about having sex, doing drugs and smoking cigarettes than they were in the 1990s.

“About 48 percent of high school students were no longer virgins in 2007, down from 54 percent in 1991.

“Meanwhile, just 15 percent said they’d had four or more sexual partners, down from 19 percent in 1991.

“And 62 percent of sexually active students said they’d used a condom the last time they had sex, up from 46 percent in 1991.

“Some 35 percent of teens had at least one drink of alcohol in the month before they were surveyed in 2007, down from 42 percent in 1991.

“Marijuana used has fallen to 20 percent of students from a peak of 27 percent in 1999 while methamphetamine use is down to four percent of teens surveyed in 2007 from 10 percent in 2001.

“Nearly half as many students admitted to carrying some kind of weapon: 17 percent in 2007 compared with 33 percent in 1991.”

So, at least teens are smarter than their counterparts in the 1990s.

How To: Beat addiction

So, if you followed last week’s How To, you got your band back together. How’s it going? Oh, you say your big reunion tour’s over already? That’s OK, because every band goes through a couple of false starts before the big reunion (see: every Van Halen attempt to reunite with Diamond Dave).

But before that happens, it’s time to evaluate what went wrong. Just like any breakup, we’ll bet dollars to donuts that it failed for the same reason that led to your first breakup: addiction. Also, you should probably change your socks.

The Guys love you very much, but we hate to see you hurting yourself. That’s why we’ve written this intervention: how to beat addiction. Continue reading How To: Beat addiction

Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

A couple of weeks ago, I addressed how woefully inaccurate my predictions turned out for 2008. I have two responses for that:

  1. Shut up. You try predicting the future. It’s really, really hard.
  2. My vision was tainted by proximity. Predicting 2008 was like trying to read with my nose against the page.

So that is why I am continuing my series of 2028 news predictions. In twenty years, my clairvoyance will be so recognized that Suri Cruise will beg to be the new me. (By then, Scientology will be the equivalent of today’s Mormons.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply

Coc–err, rock the vote

Attention politicians: Are you trying to figure out a way to get re-elected? Or are you looking for some way, any way, to boost your approval ratings before you leave office? You probably want to take the advice of the mayor of a Chilean town.

You may want to consider giving out free Viagra to the voters–this blog would suggest limiting it to the male population. Yes, Gonzalo Navarette, mayor of Lo Prado, is giving the penis pills to citizens of his town, provided a doctor can confirm that each man suffers from erectile dysfunction. Why is he doing this? Because an active sex life helps keep one healthy.

Insert a “poll” joke here.

Take that, Sting

Two days is too long and impossible, even The Guys know that. Well gents, it’s time to stop trying to measure yourself up to the marathon sex the “In the House of Stone and Light” singer claims to be having.

According to this study, sex should take three to 13 minutes on average. Want to make up for that 30 second zinger? Go for 13 and a half minutes, and your average is right on time!

Finland has scandals, too

Let’s say you’re an older man and you have a birthday party. At that birthday party they have, shall we say, women who will dance naked for you. Sounds like you had quite a party, but all parties must come to an end.

Let’s say after the party, you got said dancer’s phone number. Good for you! This must mean she wants to see you again because you are such a great guy, right? Wrong. She probably gave you her number in case you ever feel like giving her more money. One Finnish man learned that sending text messages to a stripper can get you in trouble, especially if you are the country’s foreign minister.

Octopi: Moral degenerates

Scientists with way too much free time on their hands have announced the results of a recent study of octopi and their sex habits. What they found only further shows how evil animals are and how they practice sexual rituals previously only associated with pagans. We need to kill these eight-armed monsters.

First off, they kill each other for women. That’s called jealousy and it is a hallmark of a poor father figure. Most likely these males had alcoholic fathers or deadbeat dads.

What is worse is that often, the males will swim like females in order to get in close and get past bigger males and get in close with the ladies. They will eventually show their true colors, and like some bizarre romance movie, the females love it. Folks, cross-dressing is only OK if you’re J. Edgar Hoover, and last time I checked, he only had two arms and two legs.

The end of French men?

Ever notice how much we write about studies? Well, so long as they reveal things like “French women ‘are the sexual predators now,'” we’re gonna bring them to your attention.

Not only have French women become more sexually aggressive, but the men are calling the whole thing off: one-in-five young French men have “no interest in sex.” Things will reach critical mass very soon as 90% of those women remain sexually active after turning 50.

Unless the men start appreciating French women again, this will not end well for them.

The only thing you have to fear is logic itself

Recently in the world of video games, hardcore conservatives that prefer to speak rather than learn worrywarts are up in arms over Mass Effect, the video game they say is filled with evil and nasty sex and alien nudity. Except it isn’t. In fact, there’s easily steamier scenes shown on soap operas. But hey, why let something small and meddling like the actual content of game get in the way of a good television argument, right (scroll to the bottom of the article)? Oh, and if you can scare folks with an arbitrary and completely irrelevant porn reference, that always helps too.