We’re back here again, in a news comedy column, avoiding talking about something horrible that happened a few days ago. It’s Friday, and we’ve had plenty of time to overload ourselves, so I won’t bum you out. I’ll just say that we need to make changes happen now, and I’ll move along to the funny stuff. If you were busy calling your boss a moron this week, odds are you missed it.
The final away message
AOL announced this week that it is shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all in December. Your parents were reportedly very upset by this announcement.
The woke yogurt
This week, yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”
The tomb of Santa Claus
Archaeologists this week announced that they believe they have found the tomb of Saint Nicolas in Turkey. They say his remains are likely in a church, and have further work to do to confirm it. So there you have it, kids: Santa Claus is real, he’s just dead. Sleep tight!
Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition
According to the U.S. economic system, capitalism, there is only one god: market forces. If a business succeeds, it means that the almighty consumer has chosen it (praised be their spending). So it might surprise women that, despite now outnumbering men in the office, they still don’t get to touch the thermostat at work.
Naturally, the response on social media was to blame sexism. (Racism and transphobia charges are still pending, but you can bet your ass there’s somebody on Tumblr arguing it right now.) And, while it does seem sexist to tell women who are cold in the workplace that maybe they should suck it up and put on a sweater, there are actually larger factors at play here that negatively affect both men and women in the workplace.
I graduated college 10 years ago. A lot has happened in that time. Society is very different from what it was then. Smartphones didn’t really exist yet. MySpace was dominating Facebook, and no one had heard of Twitter. Our culture was in some ways monolithic, since we still relied on traditional media forms to learn about trends and such. I’ve changed, too, but I don’t think anywhere near as drastically.
I didn’t have a cell phone in high school. When the bottom fell out of the economy, I was already on my second job in my career in journalism. I’ve never agreed with being called a “Millennial,” because there’s a big difference culturally between myself and people five years younger than me. Ten years gone, I’m certain that college life looks very different than it did when I was there–it’s probably changed more in the past decade than any other 10-year span.
It’s well established that standards for sexual attractiveness in men and women differ, and would seem to have done so well along the way back down the evolutionary chain; an older, established male has a stronger troupe, while younger females have more breeding years in them.
Members of the National Republican Congressional Committee showed their old-timey hands in a press release this week.
The congresspeople condemned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s thoughts about Afghanistan, stating that they “could only hope [Gen. Stanley A.] McCrystal is able to put her in her place” [emphasis ours].
This raises several questions:
1. What is Speaker Pelosi’s place? Is it to vote with Republicans? That wouldn’t make sense. Could it be back in California where she wouldn’t be the Speaker of the House anymore? Or would they be safer if she was in her kitchen?
2. Why does she need to go wherever her place is? Did she interrupt a man? Show a little too much spunk? Is it her “time of the month,” which is totally gross to think about?
3. Why can’t the Republican side of congress put her in “her place” themselves? Why do they need to bother the commander of U.S. troops in Afghanistan? Or is she too much woman for pansy-ass civilians to handle?
Look, I know we’ve had our differences in the past. You wanted to be vice president, and I wanted an Earth where there’s no country ass-backwards enough to let that happen. Tomato/tobacco, right?
I’m not writing this to discuss the last election. Bygones are bygones … Well, except you’re not bygone, bygod, now are you? In fact, it seems like you want to be President in 2012 if your non-Alaskan activities are to be interpreted correctly.
This, of course, makes perfect sense, since the military can’t order soldiers to serve with people they don’t like, right? We’re sure that racist soldiers don’t have to serve with openly black soldiers, right? And sexist soldiers don’t have to serve with women, correct?
Sure, there was that one time a Protestant soldier had to serve with Catholic and Jewish platoon mates, but we all had a laugh about that … eventually.
Fortunately, today’s military worries about the special interests of her soldiers, protecting them from the big scary gays, so they can serve in s–tholes like Iraq without fear (or understanding).