Tag: sexual abuse

A Boy Scout leader and a Catholic priest walk into a bar …

The Boy Scouts of America have decided to try something new and start reporting their sex offenders to the police. Their previous method mirrored the Catholic Church, which was to

1. Maintain their own private records of sex abuse incidents.

2. Ignore that list and kick out all the gays.

BSA reports that, by turning over criminal justice to the professionals, they’ll be able to concentrate more on identifying atheists by a list of inaccurate stereotypes and purging them from the ranks.

“Figuring out which boys are atheists will be tough, you know, because the uniform coves up their Flying Spaghetti Monster t-shirts and Darwin fish undershorts,” said Chief Scout Executive, Wayne Brock. “Say what you will about the seriousness of child abuse, but at least the pedos got these shy, godless boys to peel off a few layers.”

Gays and lesbians will still not be allowed to join, of course, because Jason Voorhees.

Correlation vs. causation and your priest

Congratulations on your recent adoption of a Catholic priest! Millions of people worldwide have made your choice in religious leader adoption, many because of the ease of care priests require:

  • Priests do not eat large meals. In fact, you can feed them the same bland diet of crackers and wine if you convince them there are USDA-graded chunks of Jesus inside.
  • Priests are not slaves to fashion. Their natural black coats should suffice in most environments. On fancy occasions, a hand-me-down smock should provide adequate body temperature regulation.
  • Priests do not require sexual stimulation. Preternaturally demure, priests do not require the comforts of wives or girlfriends.*

*There have been recent cases over the past 200 years of priests “expressing their sex organs” on children in the home. While experts are divided on what prompts this behavior by certain priests, Christoph Schönborn–the Archbishop of Vienna–believes that celibacy may “allow no outlet for priests’ sexual urges.”

Of course, this does not account for priests only exhibiting untoward advances to children. So, the jury’s still out on whether some priests become pedophiles or if some pedophiles become priests.

Just to be safe, you should always neuter your priest before introducing it into a home with small, easily-knocked-over children. It also saves the furniture from embarrassing stains.