Guns! Sex! It’s ‘Today in U.S. Politics!’

Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain, fired back at his first of four five accusers of sexual misconduct to publicly come forward. The candidate took to email today, courageously reaching out to the public that happens to subscribe to a Herman Cain email newsletter.

In the email, Cain denied Sharon Bialek’s story that he groped her when she asked for employment help, not realizing she wasn’t applying for a job as a sex worker. He laid out her history of financial and legal problems, implying that she is looking to get rich quick. Cain further added that he will address this and the other allegations “head on,” and that he is willing to even go so far as dust under Ms. Bialek’s skirt for his fingerprints.

In Other News:

Attorney General Eric Holder assured the Senate Judiciary Committee that an operation like the botched Fast and Furious “must never happen again,” in part because there are no assault weapons left in the U.S. to sell to Mexican drug cartels.