Dear Dr. Snee,
Why is it that at the slightest touch, like when I bump them into a shopping cart, does it hurt my balls excruciatingly, but when I’m pounding away during sex, they’re slapping against her and everything feels fine? Do my balls have superpowers?
— Micah C.
The testicles, which you refer to as your “balls,” are incredibly sensitive part of the anatomy that nearly all vertebrate males share. This is why, when someone tells you to “show a little backbone,” you are socially obligated to display your testes in any method of your choosing. I personally prefer “The Brain” because, like a furry misshapen Epcot Ball, it’s fun and educational.
As sensitive as testicles are, you’d assume that a kind and intelligent creator would put them in the center of the body, farthest away from harm, like your heart or uvula. But since God is dead, they dangle there, front and center with maybe a large enough penis to cover them if you’re not wearing briefs. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Samson Agontestes
GREG: Hey, Ted! Get a load of the new bus driver!