The henchmen said it couldn’t be done, but they were wrong. Science has finally perfected the shark with a frickin’ laser beam.
Marine biologist and Shark Week regular, Luke Tipple, figured out where Evil Industries had repeatedly gone wrong. Instead of attaching the laser to the head, he hooked it up to the dorsal fin. Tipple says he did it to test his new non-evasive underwater clip, which makes sense if you’re looking to upgrade sharks with lasers to sharks with bazookas or hammerheads with actual hammers on their heads.
Tipple says that the laser is harmless. You know, like how a laser sight doesn’t kill on sniper rifles. Perfectly safe.
For those of you who have been afraid to step into the ocean in fear of the Great White Shark, it’s over. We got him. He is safely behind glass where he can never hurt you again.
Authorities captured what they describe (according to the art of paraphrasing) as a “juvenile offender” off the coast of Malibu, presumably after some eagle-eyed celebrity used their magic better-than-us powers to spot it. The shark was transferred from the Malibu holding pen to the Monterey Bay Aquatic Penitentiary, where fish and really naughty air-breathing criminals are held until they make parole. Or drown.
Unfortunately, we all know that California’s justice system is equipped with a revolving door. Prison officials have already confirmed that they will release the shark as soon as it begins appearing stressed or taking “aggressive actions toward other inmates” — like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Our advice is to get your beach on while there’s still time.
Don’t get us wrong: American racists are some of the finest racists in the world. Sure, Mel Gibson carries most of the team like Michael Vick in the Iditarod, but a ring is a ring, right? So, know that we’re not dissing our ignorant, homegrown bigots.
That said: When it comes to racism, there are racists, and then there are paranoid, delusional racists.
It takes a special level of irrational hatred to believe that the Hebrews next door are attacking your homeland with birds and fish. Not only is it absurd to think that anyone has that kind of Beastmaster control over animals, but that condor doesn’t even look Jewish.
Sharks. They’re not nice at all. In 1975, they prevented us from going out into the ocean for more than anyone would like thanks to a fairly accurate documentary. They’re consistently the go-to subject for the SyFy (and Sci-Fi) Channel’s Monster Movie of the Week, thus encouraging an age of horrid and trite film making. Let’s be honest, they’re essentially the bears of the sea.
Luckily, their reputation may not be the only thing that they share with the animals. A Serbian man was lounging around the beach in Egypt when he decided to go for a dip. Understandable enough given where he is, not as good given that he was reportedly so inebriated that he doesn’t actually remember the details of the story. Nonetheless, according to a friend of his, after jumping off board, he then managed to land on a shark. Drunken trajectory math is the best, because he landed on the shark’s head, killing it instantly.
We like to think that sharks share the weakness of the schnozz with bears, and that their entire head is one big nose. It’s about time someone put those monsters in their place.
In our ongoing coverage of summer, we’ve learned from our hermana site, HombresSeriementes, that the Mexican Navy is hunting sharks.
The current campaign involves three boats, a helicopter and spotters on the beach. It is a retaliatory strike after sharks killed two swimmers and maimed another on the Pacific Coast.
How serious are the Mexicans? “‘We’ve done reconnaissance flights,’ [said] Rear Adm. Arturo Bernal.” That’s right: top brass are on this mission.
It makes you wonder how the United States Navy can just sit back at their bases while the enemy draws silently to our beaches — circling, waiting — when the Mexicans are taking action. One thing is certain: you can’t call them Mexidon’ts.
It is this blog’s sad duty to report that actor Roy Scheider has passed. Scheider is probably the most celebrated film icon in the War on Animals for blowing the head off of a great white shark in Jaws.
The movie is largely credited with reminding people of the dangers in the ocean, where you can always see creatures approaching, especially if you are skinny dipping alone near a large buoy late at night. In our warrior hearts, Scheider will always be remembered for his immortal line as he fired the fatal shot, “Smile, you son of a b–[BOOM!]”
The hospital isn’t saying how Scheider died, but this blog has its own theories.
Speaking of death and animals, mourners at a London funeral were treated to a horrible sight, when horses pulling the deceased’s casket broke into a stampede. The carriage tipped over, bouncing the casket around and throwing flowers here and there.
The bumpy ride to eternal slumber finally ended at the cemetery, but many mourners were so upset they had to be restrained. As this blog always says: don’t let an animal do a job any machine could do. Machines haven’t attacked us–yet.