Guess what the ringtone is

Dummmm-dum. Dummmm-dum.

And now, the greatest tracker of the sea is the Apple-equipped human. Michael Domeier, host of “Shark Men,” has created an app for the iPhone and iPad that can track tagged great white sharks in real time. And baby, there are a lot of tagged great white sharks.

Well, not really. Currently, there are only 20-22 sharks that have been tagged, but each one was personally tagged by Domeier, and he’s not stopping anytime soon. Safety can now be bought for less than 4 dollars. Even better, the ability to destroy one of our greatest enemies can be had for less than 4 dollars.

Sea-to-air attacks

It’s no secret that boating is one of the most deadly pass times around–right up there with HALO skydiving and competitive garbage-disposal clearing–but now that spring is here, we have ourselves some big reminders.

Off the coast of Florida, wife and mother of three was out with her family on a charter boat off watching eagle rays (known for their piercing scream and their sharp talons) jump out of the water, when a big one, up to 300 lbs. estimated, jumped out of the water and tackled her to the deck. Luckily, the woman was not seriously injured, however, the eagle ray escaped to kamikaze another day.

Meanwhile, near Texas, a mako shark, which, you know, have teeth and stuff, jumped into a fishing boat in what ended up a bad career move for the beast. The shark was killed and will be stuffed.

Why are these attacks happening now? Well, though it doesn’t feel like it for much of the U.S., it’s spring, and the animals know it’s time to step up their attacks on humans. Keep your guard up.

Oh sure, support the rapists

Marine biologists are currently arguing that dolphins deserve their own form of equal rights.

Just like Bryan Schools’ desire to wear corsets, they are horribly, horribly wrong.

The basis for the debate is a bit of recent research. Studies have revealed a huge amount of evidence for both the breadth and depth of dolphin intelligence. Dolphins have (according to the crazy people) displayed self-awareness, unique personalities, the capability to think about the future, complex cooperation and group problem-solving, the ability to not only recognize themselves in mirrors but also use it to look at different parts of their bodies and even the capacity to learn symbol-based language.

But wait-there’s more. Apparently, there is also anatomical evidence to support the case for high dolphin intelligence. The ratio of brain mass to the overall mass of the body in dolphins is second only to that of humans, exceeding even that of chimpanzee’s.

This is highly, highly unfortunate news to hear. People don’t seem to realize that dolphins are the jerks of the sea. They’ll regularly group up to take out a shark or whatever prey that they’re hunting. Now, while we at SG do appreciate a civil war of sorts behind the front lines of the enemy, we also appreciate the characteristic of nobility. In that regard, does no one acknowledge the sadistic nature of their penchant for rape? Does no one remember the historical account (only the names and faces of the parties involved have been changed) of when a dolphin raped a hard-working American man for no reason at all? Shameful. Congratulations to Diana Reiss and Lori Marino for orchestrating a massive cover-up of such wanton behavior.

Fail shark to become newest internet meets real life

Let us paint you a picture: you’re sitting out with your buddies in the ocean. You’ve been spear-fishing, searching for some primo lobster and just all around having a good time. I mean, these days, if you can get a little bit of enjoyment out of the peaceful things in life, then that’s a delightfully good thing, right? Besides, it’s not like you’re really doing any harm. In fact, one might even say that as the day is starting to close, it’s been a really good one.

And then, it happens. A bull shark, violating all known and documented characteristics of its nature and physical ability, leaps out of the water, into the air and right into your boat. You’ve done nothing to it, but that doesn’t mean the monster won’t stop gnashing and tearing with its deadly mouth full of multiple rows of razor-sharp teeth. Eventually, reality catches up with the monster, and it finally ceases to exist as a living creature-but the damage is done. Granted, the actual damage done by the fish’s flopping body is minor in nature, but the metaphysical damage is much greater. It will leap out of the water and into your boat for no damn reason at all. If this picture sounds familiar, then you are clearly Michael Powers.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an unmitigated and completely unprovoked attack upon our own race! We cannot allow this to continue, as flying fish are clearly working in league with sharks to teach them how to use their own techniques for the destruction of mankind. Frankly, it’s time for only one course of action-shark fin sandwiches.

We still don’t like Jessica Alba

We weren’t big fans of Jessica Alba (well, aside from her body) before, but now, we’ve got even more of a reason to dislike her: she’s helping the other side.

That’s right, Jessica Alba is actively helping animals in the war they wage against us. We can forgive some celebrities who fight for “animal rights,” they’re not really humans, and therefor not really on our side to begin with, but Jessica, sweet Jessica, how could you do this to us?

The actress may face charges in Oklahoma City for putting up shark posters on electrical boxes throughout the city. What possessed her to do this? She was part of a group of guerrilla propagandists spreading the message that shark numbers are dwindling around the world.

Jessica: we know that. We’re trying to finish them off. If you would like to help your buddies, we would be happy to throw you in a tank with them.

Some problems (nearly) take care of themselves

Everyone knows why we have zoos and aquariums–to make sure we know what the enemy looks like. But like prisons for inmates, every now and then they have an escapee.

Most recently, a sea lion, often reffered to as the tiger of the sea, was so smart it broke out of its habitat at the Pittsburgh Zoo–and into a shark tank. Seahawk the sea lion is a crafty creature, which is dangerous. One would hope that the sharks would gobble up this threat as soon as he hit the water, since they so seldomly get to eat sea lion in their cells. But no, the tiger sharks, often called the zebras of the sea because of their stripes, were scared by the sea lion, and instinctively formed a defensive circle around their young.

Seahawk was promptly caught by authorities and clubbed.

This shark tastes a bit rare to me

We talk a lot about how various places are failing to do their part, like say, Zimbabwe. But why don’t we instead focus on the good things. Let’s shift to what’s going right in this crazy, mixed up war.

Some Filipino fishermen caught something they had never seen before. But they did know one thing: it was a massive shark of some sort. So naturally they killed it and ate it. That’s what fishermen do. Turns out it was a rare species called the megamouth shark. Only a handful have ever been seen and the species was only discovered in 1976.

At this point, we have to give it up for the Philippines, they really know how to seek out, kill, and as a bonus, eat the rarest of enemies. It was only two months ago that we reported Worcester’s buttonquail, which had been thought to be extinct was found and eaten by our allies the Filipinos.

So to our Filipino friends, we here at SG salute you, and if there are any leftovers, send them our way.

Hippies are losing the war for us, as usual

It seems simple, really: we trash the environment, we trash the very habitat that our enemies call home. When our beastly foes have nowhere to hide, we can kill them off more easily. That’s just how total war works. We all know that is General William T. Sherman were alive today, he would to the same thing.

But today, another kind of march to the sea is needed. Though it may be winter here, in Australia, it’s summer (toilets also flow backwards, it’s like Bizarro America). Summertime means more people at the beach, which also means an increase in shark attacks.

Surprisingly enough, the reason for the shark attacks is not just that animals are out to get us, but that the sharks are going toward cleaner waters, brought to you by those animal-loving hippie pinko environmentalists and their new laws. It sounds like it’s time for a little civil disobedience, doesn’t it?

Co-Warriors of the Week: Steven Foggarty, Syb Mundy

Sure, in the Northern Hemisphere it’s winter, but in the Southern Hemisphere it’s summer right now. (Also, toilets flow backwards and people drive on the wrong side of the street; it’s basically Bizarro Northern Hemisphere.) Summer means it’s time to surf in Australia, which unfortunately also means it’s time to feast if you’re a shark.

Luckily, most Australians are not sharks, nor are they fans of them. (You may recall that the War on Animals began in Australia after the martyrdom of St. Steven of Irwin.) Aussie surfers have been getting attacked by sharks lately, three in just two days. But the Australians have come out swinging.

Two of the three recent attacks involved punching the shark to get him (or her) to let go. We salute these brave warriors, who in the heat of battle showed the courage to defeat, if not kill, the enemy. And remember, The Guys always recommend carrying Bat Shark Repellent when surfing.

The dead hate the swimming

Dear Britain:

You’re ever so jolly. Always showing a good show, we’re never really too sure if you’re on our side or not. I mean, you’re not still sore about that whole breaking away thing, right? Cool beans. I mean, America, or more specifically, The Guys, just want to help you out. Hey, did you know that the animals have crossed the pond and begun the war on you? I mean, the evidence is right there in front of you!

At one of your aquariums, the face of a ghost was found in a shark tank. That’s some utterly horrifying shite! I mean, think about it–if a ghost is there, then clearly it’s the ghost of a poor soul that was eaten by the sharks. Yeah, that’s right, the sharks are eating your people right under your noses. That’s horrible! What’s even worse are the only two possibilities that can arise if this isn’t stopped:

  1. The sharks will continue to eat people. This will not stop until the entire tank is filled with the disembodied ghost heads of people, at which point, no one in your country will ever get any sleep again due to the ghostly wailing that will constantly happen.
  2. The sharks, secret plants by their insidious animal overlords, have been infected with a virus akin to Solarium. As any fan of Max Brooks knows, this can only lead onto zombies, and eventually, World War Z. Since zombies are cannibalistic in nature, they’ll have no need to attack the animals (unless they’re of the Italios Fulcis species)-but they won’t hesitate to attack us. The animals can simply kick back and allow our forces to be depleted, then sweep in and kill us all.

Come, join with us Britain! Put aside your differences and work together with us to end this war! We need all the help we can get-and we’ll gladly have yours, guv’na.


Chris “Chugs” Taylor

(Story courtesy of Adrienne)