It’s winter here in the Northern Hemisphere, which means we don’t talk about sharks too much. Many of them have gone to warmer waters to eat those tasty Southern Hemispherians. But we’ve got good news out of Massachusetts: the sharks can’t handle the cold.
Remember the end of Jaws when Chief Brody blows up the the monster shark’s head by shooting the air tank in its mouth (spoiler alert)? The “bomb cyclone” is basically the air tank in this case. A frozen shark has washed up in Cape Cod, it’s the fourth such found over the past week or so. They have all been Thresher sharks, which are known as the wusses of the sea. Local researchers believe a pack of these sharks got caught in Cape Cod Bay and “couldn’t stand the wicked cold temprachas.”
So while you dig yourself out of the storm, think about the warm beaches and sharkless waters you’ll enjoy come summer time.
It’s Shark Week, you know, that event on the Discovery Channel that stopped being educational a few years ago and is now just scary. The animals know this, and they’re preying on our fears.
That’s why it’s no coincidence that a shark recently showed up in a grandmother’s backyard. The Virginia Beach woman’s grandchildren were playing outside when they came across the dead body of a baby shark. It was as if it had been picked up and dropped there by some sort of sharknado. The authorities believe it was a bird that dropped its prey.
But if that’s true, that means the animals are colluding to tell us that Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. It’s going to be war.
It’s summer, and that means there are some shark attack stories in the news. It’s good to be ready to fight a shark every time you go in the water, but other animals are far more deadly.
According to statistics on how many they kill a year, the deadliest animals are bees, wasps and hornets, followed closely by mammals except for the third and fourth most deadly, dogs and cows. So basically, if the bees team up with mice, dogs and deer, we’re all doomed.
The internet isn’t a series of tubes, it’s a series of wires. And many of those wires are underwater. The animals know this, and are trying to exploit our weakness.
Apparently, sharks like to eat fiber cables that we use to share cat videos with the world. They either just like to bite things they find, or they enjoy the taste of them. Either way, they are intentionally going after our communications networks, which means a large-scale attack may be imminent. The problem is so bad that Google is now wrapping its cables in Kevlar.
The battle rages on.
It seems like we’ve had a run of bad news lately in the War on Animals, but finally, some good news.
According to a new report, we are kicking sharks asses–not just in the U.S. Worldwide. It’s not even close. Try 100 million to 12 in one year. That’s right, we humans are killing around 100 million sharks for every 12 of us they kill. The same report said that number may even be as high as 273 million sharks.
Let it never be said that we aren’t a vengeful species.
(h/t to Chris B.)
Shark Week is back on Discovery, or the Discover Channel, or whatever they’re calling themselves these days. Which is great, because we need more high-definition, super-slow-motion footage of sharks jumping out of the water.
Last night, things got kicked off with a documentary about the hunt for a huge shark that was blamed for the sinking of a ship off the coast of South Africa. It followed the expedition as they devised and implemented new ways to hunt down the massive shark, thought to be a descendant, or even a living specimen, of the megalodon, which has been extinct for millions of years. It was fairly entertaining.
Then you realized that the whole thing was fake. Discovery kicked off it’s series of factual documentaries about sharks with a mockumentary about an animal that doesn’t exist. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A whopper of a shark
And now, the greatest tracker of the sea is the Apple-equipped human. Michael Domeier, host of “Shark Men,” has created an app for the iPhone and iPad that can track tagged great white sharks in real time. And baby, there are a lot of tagged great white sharks.
Well, not really. Currently, there are only 20-22 sharks that have been tagged, but each one was personally tagged by Domeier, and he’s not stopping anytime soon. Safety can now be bought for less than 4 dollars. Even better, the ability to destroy one of our greatest enemies can be had for less than 4 dollars.
It’s no secret that boating is one of the most deadly pass times around–right up there with HALO skydiving and competitive garbage-disposal clearing–but now that spring is here, we have ourselves some big reminders.
Off the coast of Florida, wife and mother of three was out with her family on a charter boat off watching eagle rays (known for their piercing scream and their sharp talons) jump out of the water, when a big one, up to 300 lbs. estimated, jumped out of the water and tackled her to the deck. Luckily, the woman was not seriously injured, however, the eagle ray escaped to kamikaze another day.
Meanwhile, near Texas, a mako shark, which, you know, have teeth and stuff, jumped into a fishing boat in what ended up a bad career move for the beast. The shark was killed and will be stuffed.
Why are these attacks happening now? Well, though it doesn’t feel like it for much of the U.S., it’s spring, and the animals know it’s time to step up their attacks on humans. Keep your guard up.
Marine biologists are currently arguing that dolphins deserve their own form of equal rights.
Just like Bryan Schools’ desire to wear corsets, they are horribly, horribly wrong.
The basis for the debate is a bit of recent research. Studies have revealed a huge amount of evidence for both the breadth and depth of dolphin intelligence. Dolphins have (according to the crazy people) displayed self-awareness, unique personalities, the capability to think about the future, complex cooperation and group problem-solving, the ability to not only recognize themselves in mirrors but also use it to look at different parts of their bodies and even the capacity to learn symbol-based language.
But wait-there’s more. Apparently, there is also anatomical evidence to support the case for high dolphin intelligence. The ratio of brain mass to the overall mass of the body in dolphins is second only to that of humans, exceeding even that of chimpanzee’s.
This is highly, highly unfortunate news to hear. People don’t seem to realize that dolphins are the jerks of the sea. They’ll regularly group up to take out a shark or whatever prey that they’re hunting. Now, while we at SG do appreciate a civil war of sorts behind the front lines of the enemy, we also appreciate the characteristic of nobility. In that regard, does no one acknowledge the sadistic nature of their penchant for rape? Does no one remember the historical account (only the names and faces of the parties involved have been changed) of when a dolphin raped a hard-working American man for no reason at all? Shameful. Congratulations to Diana Reiss and Lori Marino for orchestrating a massive cover-up of such wanton behavior.
Let us paint you a picture: you’re sitting out with your buddies in the ocean. You’ve been spear-fishing, searching for some primo lobster and just all around having a good time. I mean, these days, if you can get a little bit of enjoyment out of the peaceful things in life, then that’s a delightfully good thing, right? Besides, it’s not like you’re really doing any harm. In fact, one might even say that as the day is starting to close, it’s been a really good one.
And then, it happens. A bull shark, violating all known and documented characteristics of its nature and physical ability, leaps out of the water, into the air and right into your boat. You’ve done nothing to it, but that doesn’t mean the monster won’t stop gnashing and tearing with its deadly mouth full of multiple rows of razor-sharp teeth. Eventually, reality catches up with the monster, and it finally ceases to exist as a living creature-but the damage is done. Granted, the actual damage done by the fish’s flopping body is minor in nature, but the metaphysical damage is much greater. It will leap out of the water and into your boat for no damn reason at all. If this picture sounds familiar, then you are clearly Michael Powers.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is an unmitigated and completely unprovoked attack upon our own race! We cannot allow this to continue, as flying fish are clearly working in league with sharks to teach them how to use their own techniques for the destruction of mankind. Frankly, it’s time for only one course of action-shark fin sandwiches.