Shepherds to meddlesome eagles: Pew pew!

Shepherds in Scotland are tired of eagles making off with their lambs. They’re so tired of it that they’ve decided to step up their game: with laser beams.

White-tailed eagles keep stealing lambs from flocks of sheep in Scotland, and the Scots have decided to try shooting laser beams at them to keep them away. The plan is to point lasers at hills to creep out eagles and keep them away from the countryside, where they go after livestock. The thinking is that eagles will think there’s a prog rock laser show going on (eagles hate those, of course) and avoid the area altogether.

If this plan doesn’t work, they’ll use a death ray.

Sheep will put paparazzi out of business

The sheep are watching you, and they probably know who you are, according to science. But it gets worse, they know who our celebrities are.

Researchers at Cambridge University have found that sheep are able to recognize the faces of famous people. They trained eight sheep to recognize the faced of former President Barack Obama, actor Jake Gyllenhaal, actress Emma Watson, and some British journalist you’ve never heard of. They then held up pictures of two faces, and wouldn’t you know, the sheep were able to correctly identify which one was the celebrity.

This means they have facial recognition abilities similar to our own. And they never seem to blink.

Who’s up for a haggis sundae?

Americans are proud of their ability to ruin anything that tastes good, such as doughnut-flavored beer. But we don’t have the market cornered just yet.

In Scotland, they now have haggis-flavored ice cream. Finally, a desert that tastes like sheep guts mixed with onion, oatmeal, spices and more, all wrapped up in a sheep’s stomach.

Sheep farts are ruining the planet

The world is a dangerous place, as this blog is fond of reminding you. And while so-called scientists may tell you that one of the biggest dangers to the world in general are humans and the emissions we produce. There’s another threat out there folks: sheep farts.

A federal study of sheep genomes found exactly what makes a sheep produce so much methane, which is a greenhouse gas, and also very smelly. Researchers now believe that we can create low-emissions sheep.

Perhaps we should take the more fiscally responsible route to solving this problem by wiping sheep from the face of the Earth.

Sheep go after priceless artwork

The enemy is after mankind’s most precious works of art. It’s like The Monuments Men, only with sheep instead of Nazis.

Several sheep invaded the Louvre in Paris last week, using their shepherds as patsies. The shepherds claimed to be protesting agriculture policies in France, which could put them out of business. It’s not hard to see here that the more likely scenario is that the sheep seduced the farmers and convinced them that they had a reason for protest, so that the sheep could run amok.

Wake up, sheeple!

Sheep with built-in mood lighting

This sheep exists as a warning to never drink the highlighter water out of old liquor bottles.
This sheep exists as a warning to never drink the highlighter water out of old liquor bottles.

Shepherds who tend flocks of sheep at night (sure, “night flocking”) will have an easier time finding their girlfriends, and it’s all thanks to science and its ongoing mission to make everything glow.

Researchers at the Animal Reproduction Institute of Uruguay inserted genes from the Aequorea victoria jellyfish into specially bred sheep. When exposed to UV light, the sheep glow a bright yellowish-green color.

We hope this trend continues until eventually all animals glow under black lights. It’ll make it easier to identify our enemies in the War on Animals, especially because they’re nearly immune to questioning. (Just try getting answers out of a stoat. They’re notoriously tight-lipped.)

British PM fails to drown sheep

Only farmer Julian Tustian was happy to see that British PM Cameron failed to kill Swampy. (Why do sheep farmers wear camouflage? Ewe don't want to know.)
Only farmer Julian Tustian was happy to see that British PM Cameron failed to kill Swampy. (Why do sheep farmers wear camouflage? Ewe don’t want to know.)

Politically, it seems that British Prime Minister David Cameron can’t do anything right. His economy sucks and his poll numbers are sinking fast. And now? He can’t drown a sheep, not even with the help of two police bodyguards and Grade A swamp mud.

‘When I got there, David (Cameron) was in the swamp, waist-deep in mud, along with the two police,’ farmer Julian Tustian told the Daily Telegraph. ‘He was brilliant, pulling, pushing and shoving. He was covered in mud, he looked a mess.’

Nevertheless, the sheep got free and will live as a constant reminder of Cameron’s failure to drown nature’s third dumbest mammal. (The first two are ibexes and guinea pigs.) Until the U.K. repairs this leadership vacuum, the U.S. will not be able to trust them as an ally in the War on Animals, no matter how many critters they bake into pies.

There is nothing about this story that I don’t like

The headline? Love it.

The byline? Love it.

The credible source? Love it.

The source of the story? Love it.

Why do I love it? Because, according to the story, UFO experts tell us that aliens are attacking our sheep. I’d repeat that sentence, but, well, sometimes the proof is just in the pudding.

Shagging a sheep does not make someone a sex offender

But, man oh man, is it still ever just wrong. And outside of West Virginia no less? Unheard of.

A court ruled this week that a man who sodomized a sheep will not have to register as a sex offender because the sheep cannot be considered a victim of sexual assault under Michigan law. We hope that after the injured livestock gets back on her feet she organizes a protest—or at least buys the dude a box of inflatable sheep sex dolls, or maybe just becomes an anti-bestiality activist.

The guys can only hope that the man was using some truly brutal interrogation techniques on such an obvious war-time opponent. After all, love cannot bloom on the battlefield.