Some methy business

The 2001 national Sheriff of the Year, Patrick Sullivan, has plead guilty to trading meth for sex and will serve 38 days in the Arapahoe County, Colo., jail bearing his own name.

The only setting more ironic is The Guys’ screenplay where a time-traveling teenage Ronald Reagan is forced by 2012 truancy laws to attend a high school named after him. (He plays a minor role in the school play and ends up elected senior class president.)

What if his name was John Doe this whole time?

Authorities in Utah are perplexed by a prisoner who has been held in jail for more than three weeks for misdemeanor charges because he refuses to reveal his name. He was arrested for trespassing in a parking garage and will remain in custody until he can be identified for court.

The Utah County Sheriffs Department says they have tried everything, including giving him a calling card so that he might call friends or relatives. (He hasn’t.) As they return to the drawing board, they plan to continue introducing him to friends to prompt him to say his name and calling out every name in a baby book until his ears involuntarily perk.

Any information leading to his identification will be rewarded with shares of the magical treasure he’s protecting.

A lactacerbating situation

A woman charged with domestic violence and assault reportedly resisted arrest by spraying arresting police officers with breast milk. To specify: she hadn’t previously pumped it out, but whipped out an actual tittie (the right one, according to the Sheriff) and forcibly lactated on multiple deputies.

The plan backfired when the human breast milk–which is the best for growing police officers–gave the deputies stronger bones and muscles and delayed the onset of their osteoporosis, enabling them to remove her from her car.