One box of nightmares, please

Have you made it all the way through the week without a case of the heebie-jeebies? Well, happy Friday, because the Germans are at it again.

By “it,” we mean mailing live tarantulas to the United States by the hundreds.

One box to Los Angeles contained 300 live tarantulas, another contained 250 and a third contained only 22, but they were endangered and ginger.

Seriously, Germany, what’s up?

We won’t go into 1938-1945. But, we were good and tired of David Hasselhoff when you sent him back to us with somehow higher self-esteem. And now you’re mailbombing us with spiders?

That’s it. You’re off our Christmas card list.

The War on Toddlers

Whales are more of a nuisance than anything. They keep beaching themselves or dying of shock from the U.S. Navy’s submarine sonar. But now they are being compared to toddlers.

Yes, toddlers, those freeloading brats. They are poor with language skills, manners, personal hygiene and they are needy–just like whales. And like toddlers, whales are doing exactly what they are not supposed to do: swim toward a big ship after it makes sounds trying to shoo the pesky whales away.

Don’t get us wrong, we are happy to see whales willing to off themselves for our cause, but they are the kamikazes of the ocean. Each sliced up whale results in damage to the ship, which means the cargo is slowed, which means you cannot buy it as rapidly, which slows the economy, ultimately costing you your job.